Straight Line of the Day: The Biggest Surprise of the Final Twilight Film…

Posted on November 20, 2012 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film…

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55 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: The Biggest Surprise of the Final Twilight Film…”

  1. rodney dill says:

    Joe Biden running around screaming Malarky.

  2. g says:

    … The bollywood style dance number at the end, totally didn’t see that coming.

  3. rodney dill says:

    The sequence where David Letterman did Stupid Werewolf tricks.

  4. Lance says:

    …what the hell is a “Twilight” film?…

  5. SOYLENT GREEN says:

    was that Kristin Stewart didn’t do all the Volturi because they said they were directors.

  6. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Not to be outdone by sparkly vampires, the werewolves got their fur permed,

  7. Eric Praline says:

    …Taylor Lautner is actually Keyser Söze.

  8. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Turns out that Bella was Keyser Sozay all along!

  9. rodney dill says:

    The vampire and werewolf Gangnam style scene was more reminiscent of Elaine Benes’ dancing moves.

  10. rodney dill says:

    Vogon poetry doesn’t have much effect on the undead.

  11. rodney dill says:

    Jacob Black screaming “LEEROY JENKINS” everytime he jumped through the air.

  12. DamnCat says:

    Bella was really a man!

  13. Eric Praline says:

    …when Xerxes offered Edward the title of Warlord of all Portlandia in exchange for a tribute of earth and fair-trade coffee.

  14. Genghis Khen says:

    …when Barney Frank shot up in bed and realized it was all a dream.

  15. Marc says:

    …the Spanish Inquisition! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

  16. gsmtiger says:

    ….when Big Bird showed up to campaign Obama from the sidelines.

  17. Eric Praline says:

    …Peter O’Toole guest starring as a shirtless vampire. (He’s surprisingly ripped for an 80 year old.)

  18. chip says:

    …was Dan Akroyd sitting at a desk in the final credits saying “Kristin you ignorant slut.”

  19. rodney dill says:


    They did the mash… They did the Monster Mash…

  20. rodney dill says:

    The vampires slept in binders instead of coffins.

  21. Mrs. C says:

    The whirring sound of Bram Stoker in his grave could be heard over the end credits.

    In order to appeal to a more international audience, they included jiangshi:
    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChineseVampire

  22. rodney dill says:

    The emergence of the vampire cat — Nomsferatu

  23. Eric Praline says:

    …Abraham Lincoln slaying all the vampires with an ax.

  24. K T Cat says:

    Right at the beginning of the movie when Edward, mouth dripping, mumbles, “The blood … was … tainted” and falls over dead. Running 2 hours of Travel Channel highlights from Bolivia to fill out the rest of the film was a real shocker to me.

  25. TimtheBuckeye says:

    Blade popped out and killed them all!

  26. tomg51 says:

    ….was the realization that the migraine it gave you was the cause of the sparkles all along.

  27. artvol11 says:

    …the Vampires blew up the moon so the werewolves wouldn’t be able to have their power. I wonder where they got that idea ;).

  28. Comrade Chairman Obama says:

    Was that this actually IS the last Twilight film. Praise Allah, Let It Be So!

  29. CarolyntheMommy says:

    #7 Ha ha we typed it at the same time!

  30. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Christian Slater showed up before the battle scene to try and interview the Volturi. His last shot involved him running like a Democrat from responsibility.

  31. Son of Bob says:

    …that people are still going to watch Twilight films.

  32. HokieGomer says:

    …was Gary Busey’s cameo dressed as a prom queen.

  33. Greg says:

    Was Edward dropping Bella like a cold fish and running off to San Francisco with that hunk Jacob.

  34. Lane C. Russell says:

    Is when the werewolves start up a casino.

  35. CarolyntheMommy says:

    There was a flash mob dancing to “Thriller” in the middle of the whole thing.

  36. rodney dill says:

    …was when the vampires built a giant wooden Werebadger.

  37. CarolyntheMommy says:

    It was weird, but they showed up to fight with their faces painted half blue, and then they all lifted their kilts. I’m still not sure what that was all about, but baby, it was cold outside.

  38. Dohtimes says:

    …was learning all the sparkly blood suckers were just gay lawyers looking for Obama’s navy corpsemen.

    …is seeing all the werewolves in the feminine products aisle every full moon.

    …was when Frank J and spacemonkey got in that fight to be first in line.

  39. plentyobailouts says:

    … were the zombies snickering in the background.

    … was that the sparkling was just the aneurysm.

    … was that someone actually spent money to make this “thing”.

  40. Writer says:

    … the only Vampires who “Twinkle” in sunlight are also “light in the loafers”

  41. CTCompromise says:

    The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film…was Rod Serling narrating at the end how they had been in “The Twilight Zone” and the whole story was from a drug induced coma.

  42. CTCompromise says:

    The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film…was that it got less press than the personal lives of the idiot actors in it.

  43. arik says:

    The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film is (spoiler alert) the death of most of the major characters at the hands of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

    And yes, I stole that from Jimmy Fallon. But it was too good not to.

  44. phreshone says:

    … is that it was all just Bobby’s dream

  45. phreshone says:

    … is when Col. Henry Blake’s plane is shot down over the Sea of Japan

  46. Bad Science says:

    The Biggest Surprise of the Final Twilight Film…
    the loud sucking sound throughout the movie was the movie series actually sucking.
    a space laser evaporated the lot of them in the middle of the movie and none of the people watching noticed.

  47. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.

    …it turns out Rosebud is a sled.

    …Maggie shot Mr. Burns.

    …people actually spent money to see it.

    …they’re reworking the story to turn it into a TV sitcom starring Dane Cook.

  48. Isaac says:

    First, Bella busts the vampire guy and the werewolf guy sucking face.

    Then, Daniel Day Lewis shows up as Abe Lincoln and kills them both with an axe, and with a little help from an adz.

  49. a gut named Rob says:

    Was that the entire final battle was really about who gets to have their picture on the new Count Chocula Box

  50. rodney dill says:

    …had more bad acting than a William Shatner film festival.

  51. rodney dill says:

    was the subtitle — It Ain’t Over ’til The Bat Lady Sings

  52. Dohtimes says:

    …was the scene where Lawrence Talbot and Count Dracula moved to a country where assisted suicide was legal.

  53. TheMostCowbell says:

    CarolyntheMommy, I have a small to medium to large to extra-large girlcrush on you. That is all.

  54. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    …was the scene of a pale and sparkly Bob Newhart waking up in bed next to the corpse of Suzanne Pleshette and commenting about the strange dream he just had which was interrupted by a CGI of Rod Serling walking onto the set and making a droll, insightful commentary about having just departed…The Twilight Zone.

  55. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    […] Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film…” […]

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