Straight Line of the Day: The Biggest Surprise of the Final Twilight Film…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film…

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  1. …when Xerxes offered Edward the title of Warlord of all Portlandia in exchange for a tribute of earth and fair-trade coffee.

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  2. …Peter O’Toole guest starring as a shirtless vampire. (He’s surprisingly ripped for an 80 year old.)

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  3. Right at the beginning of the movie when Edward, mouth dripping, mumbles, “The blood … was … tainted” and falls over dead. Running 2 hours of Travel Channel highlights from Bolivia to fill out the rest of the film was a real shocker to me.

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  4. …the Vampires blew up the moon so the werewolves wouldn’t be able to have their power. I wonder where they got that idea ;).

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  5. Christian Slater showed up before the battle scene to try and interview the Volturi. His last shot involved him running like a Democrat from responsibility.

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  6. It was weird, but they showed up to fight with their faces painted half blue, and then they all lifted their kilts. I’m still not sure what that was all about, but baby, it was cold outside.

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  7. …was learning all the sparkly blood suckers were just gay lawyers looking for Obama’s navy corpsemen.

    …is seeing all the werewolves in the feminine products aisle every full moon.

    …was when Frank J and spacemonkey got in that fight to be first in line.

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  8. … were the zombies snickering in the background.

    … was that the sparkling was just the aneurysm.

    … was that someone actually spent money to make this “thing”.

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  9. The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film…was Rod Serling narrating at the end how they had been in “The Twilight Zone” and the whole story was from a drug induced coma.

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  10. The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film…was that it got less press than the personal lives of the idiot actors in it.

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  11. The biggest surprise of the final Twilight film is (spoiler alert) the death of most of the major characters at the hands of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

    And yes, I stole that from Jimmy Fallon. But it was too good not to.

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  12. The Biggest Surprise of the Final Twilight Film…
    the loud sucking sound throughout the movie was the movie series actually sucking.
    a space laser evaporated the lot of them in the middle of the movie and none of the people watching noticed.

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  13. …Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.

    …it turns out Rosebud is a sled.

    …Maggie shot Mr. Burns.

    …people actually spent money to see it.

    …they’re reworking the story to turn it into a TV sitcom starring Dane Cook.

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  14. First, Bella busts the vampire guy and the werewolf guy sucking face.

    Then, Daniel Day Lewis shows up as Abe Lincoln and kills them both with an axe, and with a little help from an adz.

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  15. Was that the entire final battle was really about who gets to have their picture on the new Count Chocula Box

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  16. …was the scene where Lawrence Talbot and Count Dracula moved to a country where assisted suicide was legal.

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  17. …was the scene of a pale and sparkly Bob Newhart waking up in bed next to the corpse of Suzanne Pleshette and commenting about the strange dream he just had which was interrupted by a CGI of Rod Serling walking onto the set and making a droll, insightful commentary about having just departed…The Twilight Zone.

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