Defense Secretary Panetta claimed not to know much about the Petraeus scandal, saying he was “reading the papers like you are”.
So… anybody else feel a little disconcerted that the guy in charge of protecting this country from our enemies is bragging that he has no idea what the hell is going on?
[High Praise! to ThinkGeek]
Sizzling Bacon Tea Towel
One time, a customer “complained” about a perceived overabundance of bacon products on ThinkGeek. “Why so bacon?” he asked. Why? Because WE LOVE IT. And it’s clear that the majority of you love it, too. We’ll continue being bacon until there’s a new bacon, which we think is highly unlikely given the perfection of the current bacon.
Introducing a ThinkGeek exclusive, the Sizzling Bacon Tea Towel! Got greasy hands? Wipe them off on bacon. After all, if pigs are the cleanest animals, then bacon is the cleanest meat. Right? Right. (Don’t overthink it.) Guaranteed to make your hands dry, not greasy, the Sizzling Bacon Dish Towel will make you smile every time you have to do the dishes.
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Asked if she were too old to be House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Sorry, forgot where I found this. If you posted it, claim your bacon in the comments.
UPDATE: per Basil [Bacon!], the punchline was altered for this pic, but less than you’d think.
[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]
Yay! Hunter posted something!
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Last known associates include a man-eating beast and a heartless ax-wielding maniac. May be armed with a bucket of water…
[h/t Ace of Spades HQ]
After I finished laughing at this, it got me thinking. What other famous movie plots could be twisted into something so absurdly different by a short and true, yet highly distorted, plot synopsis? The possibilities seem endless!
Have at it in the comments. I can’t wait to see what you Moon-Nukers come up with!
San Francisco’s Health Commission green-lighted a plan to give people free sex-change operations.
Nancy Pelosi is furious. She was pushing for free botox treatments.
[High Praise! to The Real Revo]
Regarding the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.
A major disaster occurs on the outskirts of one of the most advanced civilizations on earth, and 10 days later there are victims walking 6 miles to find food?
You can benefit from a little luck and a little government in your life but you are a damned fool if you trust in either.
UNIONS ARE GOOD FOR SECURING YOUR JOB!
So what are unions telling people now? “Well, if you did have a job, think of all the benefits you’d have because of us!”
So how did I get a good job and benefits without a union. Oh yeah… BY BEING AWESOME!
Shutting down a business is a great way to hurt rich people while devastating thousands of poor and middle class.
Full Disclosure: I haven’t ate a Hostess product in a long time because gluten. But I’ve really really wanted to 🙁
Is it the right or the left in America who are consistently against groups who want to execute gay people? That answer may surprise you!
I don’t know why everyone is down on radicals. When I was a kid and you exclaimed, “Radical!” that was a good thing.
I think the main attraction for guys with the Movember thing is not shaving for a month. Not even quite sure what the point of it is.
The best way to destroy an economy is to try and control it.
The Lincoln movie is pure Hollywood trash. Like every other movie, it had to end with some big mindless shootout.
Just for fun, what would happen if we impeached Obama and removed him from office before his second term starts?
Now what would happen, theoretically, if we removed Obama from office and Biden got trapped down a well and we couldn’t get him out?
The left’s answer to the Gadsden flag is a flag of a doormat with the phrase, “Gimme free stuff!”
Hadn’t seen this flag before. It’s an early American flag from back when the country was primarily Islamic.
Internet desperately needs drawing of a shot Twinkie the Kid yelling, “Avenge me!”
New Twilight movie sounds bad/funny instead of bad/excruciating like the last one. Luckily, wife is seeing it with friends instead of dragging me to it.
Okay, just to keep track: Whose RTs are endorsements and whose aren’t?
Pro Tip: If you think there’s a possibility I’m joking, I’m probably joking. If you think I might be serious, I’m probably joking.
Didn’t realize Dark Knight writer David Goyer does writing for Call of Duty Black Ops. With how much they make, no reason not have A-list.
WWI was started because of a YouTube video.
Idea: Israel should invite the Palestinians over for a beach party then push them into the sea.
I know it’s a common joke, but just in case anyone takes it seriously, a unopened Twinkie will last a month, at most.
Okay, Twinkies are “edible” for much longer than a month, but the bread will no longer be spongy. I don’t like a stale Twinkie.
I have the week off, but I was planning to spend it eating Twinkies and making shapes with Buckyball magnets 🙁
Are we saying voters aren’t bribed with taxpayer money, or are we just saying it’s not smart to point that out?
Saw a big book labeled “The Old Man and the Sea.” Knew that was a novella, so I opened it to see how large the print was. Ends up it was a false book meant for storing stuff! I’m basically Sherlock Holmes.
“Who are you?!”
::dangles criminal over edge of building::
“I’m Abraham Lincoln.” -scene from Lincoln
I’m not shaving at all as I’m convinced a lot of patchy facial hair looks better than just a wispy mustache. #Movember
So Israel and Hamas are trading blows again, if you haven’t heard. I know…big deal, right? This always plays out the same way. Hamas starts firing rockets and missiles made in Iran into Israel. Most of them don’t actually hit anything, but some do and Israel gets a little grumpy about it and starts blowing up Hamas terrorist leaders and their rocket/missile sites. Which are all conveniently parked next to schools and mosques and old people homes and the like. So there are some “civilian” casualties.
At this point, the international community starts whining about Israel picking on Palestine, and how evil those war mongering Israelis are, and for there to be peace Israel must stop attacking Palestine and “come to the table” and, I don’t know, agree to stop existing or something. And eventually Israel will meet their Hamas targets killed quota and will back off, allowing Hamas to lick their wounds and re-arm, only to do it all again a few years later.
You would think this cycle might eventually break, and by any of the parties involved. First you have the Palestinians themselves. You know…average Joe Palestine. He’s not part of Hamas, he works to feed his family, and is only moderately annoyed with infidels and Jews. But those Hamas blokes keep starting a shooting match with the Jews, and unfortunately the Jews are kind of better at it. But for some reason, Joe and guys like him just go along with Hamas’ antics, like putting rocket launchers next to his kids’ school.
Then there is the international community of leftist windbags who think it’s their job to cry foul every time Israel attempts to defend itself. Because Palestine are the “little guys” in this thing. Regardless of the fact that the “little guys” are the ones who keep starting it. You would think the rest of the world would eventually be like…”fine Israel, just blow them up and put an end to this”.
And then there is Israel. Some say they have incredible patience and restraint. I’m not one of them. The average Johnny Jew knows by now that the only way there will be peace is when Hamas and their ilk lie in pieces. And everyone knows that weapons are being funneled to Hamas by Iran and Syria, and now possibly Egypt. So you would think Israel would finally just start nuking things.
Well, maybe not nuking Palestine, because it’s a little too close to home, and Israel might want that land back eventually without it being irradiated. But Syria and Iran are decent targets. Israel doesn’t even need to nuke major cities. Just go after viable targets and send the message that they will start nuking things from now on every time Hamas fires a rocket. I’d go as far as to say, any time they hear someone in Palestine say the word “rocket” (unless they are singing the American National Anthem), that they will nuke something in Iran or Syria. Maybe even a camel…they like their camels in those parts of the world.
So the shipments of rockets and missiles to Hamas would probably dry up at that point. And Iran and Syria will be too busy worrying about what Israel might nuke next to really be of any concern, so the IDF can go in and just finish off Hamas. I know what you’re thinking…you still have all of the international whiners to deal with. Well, everytime some whiny leftist country complains about Israel nuking a tent in Iran, they should just nuke another one.
I’d even go as far as bringing the war to Twitter. Like, whenever some hippie on twitter is like “Israel iz evl! They shld be wipd out for reelz!”, then Israel should just tweet back something like: “Thanks for your opinion. Because of it, we just nuked a place in Iran that was not nuked yet. Any more opinions?”
I mean, I’m not an expert on this stuff, but that does seem like a working plan.
In my new New York Post column, I discuss how America has found its sweet spot and is exactly where it wants to be.
And aren’t things in the Middle East great right now? Osama bin Laden is dead, and nothing happens there, besides an occasional consulate getting overrun. But I hear that’s because of YouTube videos, so it’s really more Google’s problem.
Read. Enjoy. Discuss.
[High Praise! to Les of Brick Moon]
The title was from Les. I’m pretty sure it’s German for “I’m John Galt!”, which I expect we will all be saying in Spartacus-like fashion at some point in the near future:
