Straight Line of the Day: Scientists Say Earth’s Magnetic Field Is Collapsing. The Solution…

Posted on January 30, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Scientists say the Earth’s magnetic field is collapsing. The solution…

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78 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: Scientists Say Earth’s Magnetic Field Is Collapsing. The Solution…”

  1. James says:

    Hilary’s personality

  2. Bob B says:

    …is to deploy every Wheel-O and Fuzzy-Face toy on the planet

    …-we must sent Mylie and Justin to the center of the earth, to use their joint status as the two most attractive people on the planet to jumpstart the magnetic core.

  3. FormerHostage says:

    Have the other planets give us a fair share of their magnetic fields.

  4. FormerHostage says:

    Free birth control!

  5. jw says:

    duct tape. lots of duct tape

  6. FormerHostage says:

    Fill the earch with Brawndo. Brawndo’s got electrolytes

  7. DamnCat says:

    More taxes!

  8. c64wood says:

    Change the liberals voting day to the last Tuesday in November.

    Make the earth spin faster. The centrifugal forces will keep the magnetic field from collapsing.

    So, the sky IS falling

  9. Tater Salad says:

    …farm subsidies for growing more magnets.

  10. Jack says:

    The solution is hand Joe Biden a compass and a pair of fur-mittens, then tell him Santa’s fallen and he can’t get up!

  11. can of spam says:

    … use solar and wind farms to power a gigantic electric loop surrounding the Earth; as the plant rotates through the lectric field, it will generate a magnetic one to bolster its natural field.

    Now, when do I get my grant money to start working on this?

  12. DamnCat says:


  13. Steve H says:

    … have the president announce it isn’t collapsing but expanding inversely to the unemployment rate. The Laws of Physics with thus be altered, problem solved, let’s go golfing.

  14. Steve H says:

    … borrow some from Mars. (oh wait, nevermind…)
    … doesn’t the Tea Party create enough static to counteract the magnetic field shrinkage?
    … have Mellencamp and Galfolf (sp) and Phil Collins do a benefit concert. (Sell metallic commemorative t-shirts and have the wearer spin in place!)

  15. Oppo says:

    EMP cards for the poor.

  16. Oppo says:

    … is to remember that electrons have consequences.

  17. Johnny45 says:

    … is for Obama to give a speech.

  18. Chip says:

    Scientists say the Earth’s magnetic field is collapsing. The solution is simple once you consider how much spin is generated in Washington DC. A very simple machine can be built around the city to capture and convert that spin into enough magnetic field that we should be able to sell the surplus to other countries and at a decent markup.

  19. blarg says:

    …more socialism!

  20. Writer says:

    More Glowbull Warming!

  21. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . is more cowbell.

  22. blarg says:

    …claim magnetic inequality and steal some from another planet.

  23. Oppo says:

    … is an ecstatic electricity generator on Sandra Fluke’s mattress.

  24. Jimmy says:

    $15 / hour minimum wage!

  25. Burt says:

    …we really need to construct a HAARP installation on Antarctica to restore balance.

  26. Burt says:

    …perhaps we should ask Al Gore.

  27. Oppo says:

    … is to have Chris Christie ditch the Van Allen Suspenders and go back to belts.

  28. walruskkkch says:

    Scientists say the Earth’s magnetic field is collapsing. The solution…

    spend trillions of dollars on shovel ready magnetic field projects run by large donors to the Democratic party.

    build a gigantic anti-magnetic wooden rabbit.

    one word….. subsidies.

    blame anti-magnetic whites.

    Hire that Magneto feller.

  29. Burt says:

    I read the linked article. It’s obviously an Infomercial selling tinfoil hats. I’m going to wait until they are available in the “As Seen on TV” aisle at WalMart.

  30. HokieGomer says:

    …is to launch Uncle Joe into high equitorial orbit. The vast void between his ears will pull the field back into a stable position.

  31. DamnCat says:


  32. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …mandate everybody buy magnets or face a fine tax.

    …is to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

  33. Fred Key says:

    Obama, because the earth revolves around him.

  34. Fred Key says:

    Cross the streams. Release the Kraken. Eat the cookies. How should I know?

  35. Anonymiss says:

    Confiscate all of the magnets that republicans are hoarding.

    And I totally am.

    I love magnets.

    But they’ll have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.

  36. blarg says:

    …blame BushCheneyHailburton

  37. Burt says:

    …I could donate my refrigerator, It’s messing up compasses for a two block radius.

  38. coldguy says:

    …is to eliminate income inequality.

    …is to confiscate all guns because guns are made of metal, which is, um, magnety, and then we’ll melt them all into one of those “U” shaped things like the Wile E. Coyote has.

    …come to an un-scientific consensus about the matter which furthers your agenda, then persecute any dissenting scientists and ignore their data, then make destructive economic and energy policy, then use fear and regulatory power to implement those policies.

    …is obviously too complex for you simpletons to understand. Which is why I, Barack H. Obama, will appoint a Global Magnetism Czar, who will advise the Democrat Party on how we can take advantage of this crisis to further our agenda.

  39. Bob B says:

    @35 – Is this why Anonymiss cookies are so darned attractive?

  40. walruskkkch says:

    @35 cold dead STEEL hands?

  41. frogmouth says:

    Magnetic field offsets available from Al Gore

  42. Writer says:

    Too many Dummycraps taxing it away.

  43. Ogrrre says:

    … the solution:
    is the same solution for global cooling or global warming or drought in Africa or Republicans in Congress: shut down the US economy. The science is settled. 97% of scientists agree with me. All of those electronic devices and radio and tv broadcast stations and any other RF source is disrupting Earth’s magnetic field. The fact that this has occurred many times in the past is just an inconvenient fact that has nothing to do with this time; it’s the American economy, I tell you!

  44. Fizz says:

    Send a government funded, nuclear powered vessel, build of unobtanium into the core of the earth to plant nuclear weapons in carefully selected areas of the core to restart the spinning of the core and restore the magnetic field.

  45. Anonymiss says:

    @39 Of course not! My cookies are attractive because they’re GOOD. Good things are attractive, right?

    (and if they happen to improve your iron levels, that’s just a bonus :)

    @40 I like magnets. That doesn’t make my HANDS steel….

    I’m flesh and blood, thank you very much.

    By the way, I hear Harvey likes magnets too. I’m not the only hoarder around here…

  46. Harvey says:

    @45 *uses huge personal collection of magnets to steal Anonymiss’s carefully hoarded magnets – with magnet-power!*

  47. Karen says:

    .. magnetism credits.

    … No clue, but borrow money from China to study the effects of this being Bush’s fault.

    … Hysterical hearsay. And probably arresting the Koch brothers.

  48. CLIFF says:

    Notify Superman @

  49. Steve H says:

    @46 * uses secret methods stolen from the x-men movie to steel (get it?) Anonymiss’s magnets back from Harvey, making the world safe once again *

  50. Harvey says:

    @49 – My magnets! My precious, precious magnets!

  51. Steve H says:

    @49 and I’ll return them to her when Anonymiss (or Keln) sets me up at NP to judge these SLotDs while Anonymiss is recovering from her Cookie Overdose.

  52. Steve H says:

    @50 but I won’t trap Harvey in a plastic jail cell (unless Mrs. Harvey thinks it’s a good idea…)

  53. Harvey says:

    @52 – You may trap away, as I’m currently between Mrs. Harveys

  54. Anonymiss says:

    Ban scientists.

  55. Anonymiss says:

    @53 You say that like you have a new one in mind…

  56. Harvey says:

    I can neither confirm nor deny the status or existence of any applicant.

  57. Anonymiss says:

    @56 Wow. You really DID go to law school. HUH.

    So that’s how it works nowadays, huh? You like, send in your resume or something?

  58. Steve H says:

    @53 – Do like I did. Hang out at Home Depot until a good one shows up. (Preferably alone.)

  59. Harvey says:

    @57 – Actually I learned “I can neither confirm nor deny…” in the Navy. Easy way to maintain security without hurting people’s feelings.

    Anyway, you can send in a resume if you want.

    If it’s attached to a cookie, I… might… read it…

  60. Anonymiss says:

    @59 Cookies at IMAO are for clever commenters, Harvey. I can’t believe I have to explain this to you. So comment cleverly, already… 😛

  61. Harvey says:

    I’d also accept just a cookie as your resume.

    Then I’d DEFINITELY get to it.

  62. Anonymiss says:


    I’m thinking you’ve got this backwards, somehow.

    I’m thinking you should send *me* a resume.

    We’ll see if I have time to peruse it.

    I am awfully busy these days…

  63. Anonymiss says:

    @49 Thank you Steve H. :)

  64. Harvey says:

    @62 Here ya go:

    Harvey’s Resume

    1966-2014 – Being awesome

  65. Anonymiss says:

    @64 Oh BOY.

    You forgot “Humble”.


  66. Harvey says:

    @65 – Ya know, I *was* gonna list that, but then I thought “nah… that’d just sound like bragging”

  67. Anonymiss says:

    @66 Well….I may consider this resume…

    if it came with a cookie. :)

  68. Harvey says:

    @67 – Well, I’ve got some Oreos in the cupboard. Might be a little stale. Will that do? 😀

  69. Anonymiss says:

    Ummm no. Ugh.

    Try a little harder.

  70. Harvey says:

    *checks freezer*

    Homemade sugar cookies

    *checks fridge*

    Homemade vanilla buttercream frosting

    Some assembly required.

  71. Anonymiss says:

    I’ll wait.

    Drums fingers on table…

  72. Harvey says:

    For what?

    Cookies don’t assemble themselves

    *slides knife, frosting, and cookies over towards Anonymiss*

  73. Anonymiss says:

    *Looks at pile of cookie parts* *Looks away*

    Just so you know, I have many virtues. Patience isn’t one of them.

    *Begins drumming fingers on table again*

  74. Harvey says:

    *looks at sassy girl*

    *looks at frosting*

    *grabs a fingerful*

    *dollops it onto Anonymiss’s nose*

  75. Anonymiss says:

    I believe, sir, that you have just started a frosting war.

    Be very afraid…

  76. Harvey says:

    I’ve got vanilla, maple, almond, lemon, and raspberry.

    Choose your weapon…

  77. Anonymiss says:

    Ooh. I want raspberry. It tastes the best AND it stains the most…

    And it stains PINK… 😛

  78. Harvey says:

    Raspberry it is…

    *tosses Anonymiss a tub of pink frosting*

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