“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message.”
Bush stared silently at the camera for a few moments.
“Dammit! I forgot what I was going to say!” Bush then shook his fist at the camera. “Vote for me if you know what’s good for you.”
“We might want to do a retake on that one,” Dick Cheney suggested, “but I think that new commercial about Kerry voting against military weaponry is good enough for now.”
“And I think we did pretty well testifying before the 9/11 commission,” Bush said, “It just annoyed me how Lee Hamilton and Bob Kerrey left early. I’m sure they got their comeuppance, though.”

“It’s great snubbing Bush to greet the Prime Minister of Canada,” Lee Hamilton said as he sat at a table.
“It sure is,” Bob Kerrey agreed as he sat down too, “but doesn’t the Prime Minister look a bit like an angry rottweiler to you?”
Hamilton stared at him a moment. “A very angry rottweiler.”

“Still, I’m worried about the debates with John Kerry,” Bush continued, “What if he starts throwing other people’s medals at me? He could take my eye out!”
“He might just throw ribbons,” Cheney assured him.
The figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “It is too early to worry about the debates. What may be of interest is how the public views you and your nemesis, the one known as Kerry.” Rove produced a scroll from his cloak. “When likely voters were asked what words came to mind when your name was mentioned, the top five were ‘Dummy’, ‘Rube’, ‘Maroon’, ”tard’, and ‘Trustworthy’.”
“That’s not so bad,” Bush said.
“As for your enemy, the top five words were ‘French-looking’, ‘Haughty’, ‘Aloof’, ‘Wishy’, and ‘Washy’.”
“Heh heh,” Bush chuckled, “Everyone hates that stupid Kerry. So what do I do now, Rover?”
“According to the ancient book of punditry,” Rove intoned, “Whilst the opponent dost destroy himself, the wise dost keep his distance such as not to be injured as well.”
“If I’m understanding that right,” Bush said, “Best move for me right now is to go to my office and play Mario Kart.”
“Our little president is growing up,” Cheney said with a tear in his eye, “I just wonder what Kerry is up to.”

“If I knew my voting record in the Senate was going to be used against me, I would have abstained on every vote!” John Kerry fumed, “That would have been the nuanced approach.”
“You were just voting to destroy America’s military might like any good Democrat,” Terry McAuliffe said.
“Everyone who is or ever has been in the military is a war criminal!” Kerry yelled, “Except for me… I’m a war hero. Too bad I threw away my medals.”
“There right there on the wall,” McAuliffe pointed out.
“Whatever!” Kerry shouted, “All this controversy is making me so mad I think I’ll punch Jeeves.” Kerry then socked his butler in the gut.
“Very good punch, sir,” Kerry’s butler said as he picked himself off the floor, “Would you like to hit me again?”
“Maybe later,” Kerry answered, “First I will consult with my League of Foreign Leaders for Kerry, all of whom I am happened to run into at Deli’s in New York.”
Kerry walked over to the large meeting table. “Here is President of France, Jaques Chirac.”
“That damn Bush ruined my ‘Oil for French Kickbacks’ program!” Chirac yelled.
“And then there is Kim Jong Il of North Korea.”
Kim stared into a mirror and worked at his hair. “Still not poofy enough! And it is all because of Bush!”
“Osama bin Laden is also here for support.”
“I’m just disturbed by all these contracts favoring Halliburton,” Osama said.
“And a mad mullah from Iran is here too.”
“Allah despises tax cuts for the rich!” the mad mullah yelled.
“Then we have Pol Pot’s preserved head in a jar.”
“Bush liiiiiiied, people diiiiiiiied!” Pol Pot gurgled through the fluid that kept his head living.
“As a very special guest we have Hanuman the monkey god.”
“Bush rushed into war and upset the balance of monkeys in the universe,” Hanuman pronounced.
“Finally, I have this letter of support from Saddam Hussein,” Kerry said as he held up a letter, “He couldn’t come since he’s a political prisoner, but he wanted to express his support and say how enthused he his by my dynamic campaign. That reminds me, I wanted to hand out a booklet describing my positions on all the important issues in black and white and sixty-four shades of gray. Jeeves, hand them out.”
“Yes, sir,” the butler answered as he brought forward a wheelbarrow full of what looked like phonebooks.
“By the way,” McAuliffe whispered to Kerry, “Do you have any supporters who aren’t evil?”
The Clintons then walked into the room. “No,” Kerry answered.
Chirac started choking. “I can’t breathe!” he exclaimed, “It’s like something is sucking the air out of the room!”
“So did you all hear about my new book?” Bill Clinton asked. He then spotted Osama. “Hey, remember when I tried to launch a cruise missile at you?”
“Yeah, I got a good chuckle out of that one,” Osama answered while laughing.
“I don’t need you two here,” Kerry said angrily. He then spotted a folder Hilary was holding. “Does that say ‘Plans for 2008 Presidential Campaign’?”
“Don’t be silly,” Hilary said as she hid the folder, “We just came here to watch you implode… I mean give our support.”
“Unless you’re donating money to my campaign, I want you out of here!” Kerry said.
“I’ll give you twenty bucks for that head in a jar,” Bill offered.
“Deal.”