Part I

“So terrorists are still attacking right and left, people are getting kidnapped and killed, Satan is gaining in the polls, and we can’t hail Aquaman on the Aquaphone,” Bush stated, “I guess it’s up to us to handle this all.” He turned to Scott McClellan. “You need to talk to the press.”
“Yes, sir!” Scott answered and ran out the door.
Bush looked to Cheney. “I’m up for some ping pong.”
Cheney held up a paddle. “Sounds like you’re ready to lose!”

“What’s with the White House’s personal attacks on Satan?”
“He’s a very evil man… or demigod… or demon… or whatever,” Scott said, “And we’re going to call things as we see them.”
“Isn’t ‘evil’ a little harsh?” asked another reporter, “That seems to be bringing negative rhetoric to an unprecedented level.”
“But he’s Satan!” Scott said with frustration, “You just know that he’s cooking up something evil!”
“What the voters seem to know is that everything is falling apart under Bush and that Satan has some real solutions to terrorism while John Kerry served in Vietnam.”
“Is there a question there?” Scott asked angrily.
“Do you have any response to that?”
“Yes. The economy is on track, we have the right course set out for Iraq and the war on terror, and Satan is evil and John Kerry is a goober.”
“Hi, this is Lefty Stevens from CNN,” said another reporter, “Though I can’t figure out how to work it into this topic, I feel the need to bring up Abu Grahib.”
Scott groaned. “Okay, this press conference is over.”

“I don’t like this Satan person,” John Kerry said, “He has that… uh… that thing I don’t have.”
“Charisma?” Terry McAuliffe offered.
“Yes. He’s stealing away my momentum… even though he never served in Vietnam. Why can’t you do something about him?”
“We used to have such good relations,” Terry said, “I guess he’s gotten disappointed at our ability for evil lately.”
“Maybe we could get him to drop out and support us if we burnt down an orphanage,” Kerry suggested.
“Carville and I tried that yesterday,” Terry answered, “That demon bastard is set on running. Don’t worry, though, I have an evil plan to ruin his next big speech… so evil he could have thought of it himself. Muh ha ha ha!”

“The fools! Soon I will have them eating out of my hand!” Satan proclaimed, “With their blind trust, I will lead them to their dooms!”
Bee rolled her eyes. “Your mike is on.”
Satan was stunned for a second. He then turned to the crowd with a smile on his face. “I’m just joshing you guys. Anyway, it is time for real leadership… the real leadership you get from a true moderate who can bridge all gaps. Here now is a member of al Qaeda.”
“It’s great to be here, Satan!” said the terrorist, “You’re a great guy!”
“Now, do you think you guys can stop the killing?” Satan asked.
“Anything for you, our evil master,” the terrorist said, “With you in charge, we’ll give up our violent ways and solve our problems like the Europeans… with long pointless debates!”
The crowd cheered.
“See, terrorism can be solved with out rash action,” Satan said, “and…”
“Can we still kill jooos?” the terrorist asked.
“A few,” Satan quickly answered, and then turned back to the crowd. “As I was saying…”
“Hey, Satan! It’s me!” yelled a voice from the audience.
Satan spotted the interloper and then sighed. “Hello, Bill Clinton.”
Clinton hopped on stage. “It’s so great to see you again. You really helped me out back in the day.”
“Think nothing of it,” Satan said curtly, “Anyway, I’m trying to give a speech here…”
“I know! It’s great!” Clinton exclaimed. He then looked to the crowd. “Satan here is a great guy! I’m still supporting John Kerry, though, because I think he’ll best continue my style of leadership… a style of leadership I describe in my book My Life.” He then held up a copy of his book. “It comes out tomorrow.”
“This isn’t a book promo for you!” Satan shouted.
“You’re right,” Clinton answered, “This is about you, Satan, and not about my book which describes in great detail how I’m the greatest president since… ever! So, any questions about Satan that I can answer by talking about me and my book?”
Satan flung his hands in the air in desperation and then sulked off stage.
“Let’s take a question from Chomps, the world’s angriest Clinton supporter,” Clinton said, “I bet the vast right wing conspiracy is what has really made you mad.” Clinton looked more carefully at his supporter. “Actually, it almost appears you’re angry at me… very angry.”

“I remember when you said he was going to be your next Hitler.”
“I think it goes without saying that he’s been a disappointment to a lot of people,” Satan responded, “I still believe there is some potential for that Hillary.”
Bee shuddered. “She gives me the creeps. Anyway, you need to do something to keep Clinton from stealing your spotlight.”
“What?” Satan asked with frustration, “I could burn him with hell’s fire and he’d just go on all the talk shows telling everyone about it.”
Bee looked over to the stage. “Actually, it appears that he’s being thrashed about by an angry rottweiler right now.”
“Good,” Satan said with a smile, but then a thought struck him. “Hey, if that dog is here, that means…” He then stopped.
“Means what?”
“Oh… nothing,” Satan said as he lightly took hold of Bee and moved her a bit to the side. “Could you just stand here?”
“Why?”
Satan started running, and then Bee turned to look behind here. Charging her was Rumsfeld with a pitchfork in hand. “I’ll teach you to steal my crops when I was a kid!”
“Ahh! Not again!” Bee shrieked and then started running. “That Satan can be such a bastard some times.”

Bush and Scott sat in front of a T.V. playing videogames. Laura Bush then walked into the room. “So have you solved the problem of Satan trying to run for president to bring an end to all humanity?” she asked.
Bush paused his game. “Uh… yes dear.”
She looked at him suspiciously. “You were up all night playing videogames, weren’t you?”
Bush looked to the floor. “Scott made me do it.”
“I kept telling you I wanted to go to bed but you wouldn’t let me!” Scott yelled.
“You can’t just hide from this problem,” Laura chided Bush, “You have to stand up to Satan and tell him he’s a very bad man. Then you have to get him to stop running for president, even if you have to risk your own soul. That’s what a real leader would do.”
“You’re right, dear!” Bush declared as he rose to his feet, “I’m going to stop Satan right now. I’ll show the courage I have by marching right into the terrifying depths of hell and confronting the prince of darkness alone.” He turned to Scott. “Oh, and you’re coming with me.”
“Dammit!”
TO BE CONCLUDED…