“And now we go to our round table,” Brit Hume announced, “Mara Liasson of National Public Radio, Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard, and Mort Kondracke of Roll Call, FOX News contributors all. Let’s first talk about the final presidential debate. What do you think will be on the minds of the voters?”
“The Mary Cheney mention,” Liasson stated.
“Definitely Kerry’s mention of Mary Cheney and the results,” Barnes said, Kondracke nodding.
“Let’s watch the clip of that,” Hume said.
On screen stood Kerry, looking his haughty best. “For no particular reason,” he said, “I would like to mention that Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian. A LES-BEE-AN! Also, I think Bush’s daughters are lesbians too.”
“That’s only half true!” Bush yelled angrily.
The camera panned to Bush’s daughters in the audience. “I’m not a lesbian!” Barbara shouted indignantly.
“Yeah, Barbara isn’t a lesbian!” Jenna agreed.
“Now you can see Bush getting angry,” Hume pointed out, “Then thinking better of it… and then getting angry again. Let’s listen to his response.”
“There are a lot of problems in America that need to be dealt with,” Bush said, “Such as obesity, as seen with John Edwards’s fat cow wife. And there is the problem of mental illness, such as with Kerry’s own wacked-out crazy wife. And we must stop those who may take advantage of the insane by marrying them for their billions.”
“Through his Botox paralyzed face, you can start to see Kerry get angry,” Hume observed.
“Finally, there is the problem of promiscuity,” Bush continued, “as displayed by Kerry’s own slut daughter – you know, the one you saw wearing that see-through dress to a film festival. She offered sex acts to me after the last debate, but I refused – though the asking price was surprisingly low.”
“Do you know who I am?!” Kerry screamed and charged Bush.
“Of course, we all know how this ended,” Hume said as they cut away from the debate clip, “with Bush pinning Kerry to the ground and then forcing Kerry to face the camera and admit that he’s a little girl. How do think this will affect people’s opinions?”
“I think Kerry had already lost his credibility,” Liasson stated, “and thus people aren’t going to believe him when he says he’s a little girl.”
“Either way, people don’t want someone they can’t trust or a little girl as president,” Kondracke said, “That’s why you see Bush adding to his lead in the polls.”
“Teresa Heniz-Kerry did respond to what Bush said,” Hume commented, “but we can’t play the clip as it’s just an incoherent mix of words peppered with profanity.”
“Beyond this incident, though,” Barnes commented, “I think Bush helped himself by showing a great command of the facts in the debate.”
“I believe you are referring especially to this instance,” Hume said, and a clip started playing.
“Now, I know how Edwards keeps talking about ‘two Americas,'” Bush stated, “but I looked it up. On a world map, there are two Americas – North America and South America – but that’s not my fault. According to scientist, it’s the result of tectonic shifts breaking apart the Pangaea supercontinent… way before my administration. Kerry and Edwards need to stop lying about me!”
“The President really helped himself by breaking apart a lot of Kerry’s talking points in that fashion,” Kondracke said.
“Of course, there is enough time between the debate and the election to render all of that moot,” Hume said, “Let’s discuss how the Bush and Kerry campaigns are acting now. The Kerry campaign seems to be trying to hit Bush hard on stem cell research, having Michael J. Fox speak for them and waving the stuffed body of Christopher Reeves on a stick. Is this a good strategy?”
“It will rally their base,” Liasson commented, “but I think most are going to find it crass.”
“It will completely backfire,” Barnes declared.
“And then there was this appearance by Edwards to the press,” Hume said as a clip started playing.
“…and that is why Kerry must be elected,” Edwards finished saying.
“What’s with the black-eye?” asked a reporter.
“I told you yesterday: I got that when I fell down.”
“Yeah, but today you have another black-eye today.”
“Well… uh…” Edwards then started crying. “Kerry beats me when we drop in the polls!”
“Will the fact that Kerry is abusive to his running mate hurt him in the polls?” Hume asked as the clip ended.
“I doubt it,” Kondracke said.
“I’m thinking of hitting Edwards right now,” Liasson declared.
“I’ve hit him before,” Barnes commented, “and it felt like the right think to do. I think this helps Kerry.”
“Then there is the new Bush advertisement,” Hume said.
On screen was the face of Donald Rumsfeld, his face covered in shadows. “I know where you live,” Rumsfeld growled before the screen faded to black.
“What’s interesting about this ad,” Hume stated, “is that the Bush campaign doesn’t have to pay for it since it’s labeled a public service ad. Is that appropriate?”
“Well, Rumsfeld does know where we all live and probably will hurt us if Bush loses,” Barnes said, “so it seems like a public service to make that known.”
“And it’s effective,” Kondracke declared, “I’m now actively helping the Bush campaign out of fear of my own life and of fear of the welfare of my family.”
“All I know is I haven’t been able to sleep since that ad has been running,” Liasson commented.
“This campaign certainly will be one for the history books,” Hume said and then turned to the camera. “We have to take a break, but stay with FOX News for more fair and balanced coverage… despite what left-wing homos might tell you.”
TO BE CONTINUED UNTIL ELECTION NIGHT…
First?
Cool.
Good one, FrankJ. Guess taking a small vaca with the Babe didn’t slow you down.
You didn’t finish the debate series IMW’s.
I started laughing when I read the title and didn’t stop (one of those “You had me at hello” moments)!
lmao. “I know where you live.” Hilarious.
jonag,
If you watch Team America, it will be a, “You had me at…”
On second thought, never mind.
If I watch Team America will I be able to respect myself in the morning?
Finally, there is the problem of promiscuity,” Bush continued, “as displayed by Kerry’s own slut daughter – you know, the one you saw wearing that see-through dress to a film festival. She offered sex acts to me after the last debate, but I refused – though the asking price was surprisingly low.”
“Do you know who I am?!” Kerry screamed and charged Bush.
“Of course, we all know how this ended,” Hume said as they cut away from the debate clip, “with Bush pinning Kerry to the ground and then forcing Kerry to face the camera and admit that he’s a little girl. How do think this will affect people’s opinions?”
Okay, I wasn’t even drinking anything and I spewed on my keyboard. That is friggin’ hilarious, Frank.
Welcome back and thank you for the good funny.
Hah! that was great
Hey!
Do not be giving disrespect to Michael J. Fox! He is a Righty!
Other than that.. Great IMW, glad your back! Yay!
If Bush had used that line about North and South America in the debate, he’d have a 70-30% lead by now.
“I think Kerry had already lost his credibility,” Liasson stated, “and thus people aren’t going to believe him when he says he’s a little girl.”
BWAHAHAHAHA
You are brilliant!!! When’s your book coming out???
That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Damn, I’m still laughing!
Another dandy… despite what left-wing homos might tell you.
Sometimes I think I’m immune to the Frank J humor — then you hit me with
…waving the stuffed body of Christopher Reeves on a stick. Is this a good strategy?”
And I end up cackling like a Hyena and nobody believes for a second that I’m doing real work.
Well done.
Oh yeah, and the news that Barbara is not a lesbian may be the best thing I’ll hear all week. She’s a scorcher.
“Now you can see Bush getting angry,” Hume pointed out, “Then thinking better of it… and then getting angry again. Let’s listen to his response”
that is the funny that cures
Three spit-takes. Best IMW ever.
The funny is strong today, FrankJ.
The fans want to see a ‘Fight Club’ scene. There is strong parody potential there.
007,
But I’m pretty sure that Bush isn’t actually Kerry.
“Will the fact that Kerry is abusive to his running mate hurt him in the polls?” Hume asked as the clip ended.
“I doubt it,” Kondracke said.
“I’m thinking of hitting Edwards right now,” Liasson declared.
“I’ve hit him before,” Barnes commented, “and it felt like the right think to do. I think this helps Kerry.”
High comedy!
Thank you Frank that made my funnybones bounce 🙂
On screen was the face of Donald Rumsfeld, his face covered in shadows. “I know where you live,” Rumsfeld growled before the screen faded to black.
Hahaha!!! Can you produce this image for a halloween caption contest? Maybe get Chomps in there somehow, in cosutume? (or not, as I doubt Chomps to be the easiest thing to costume!)
Just a thought…
You know, it won’t be long before you get a lucrative job offer to take your act on the road. KILLER stuff!!!
“In a battle of wits, gentlemen, you are unarmed.”
-G. Gordon Liddy
LokiDoki, Michael J. Fox isn’t a righty. Alex Keaton was a righty, but he was only a character in a TV show. Michael J. Fox has attended all the mandaory Hollywood reeducation camps and speaks only the approved words now.
But really funny, Frank J.!
Yeeehaaaa.
Great stuff, I feel like hitting Edwards too. But I wanna hit all lawyers.
Danjo
Good god, I’m not sure I have ever in my life read anyhting as funny as that Rummy ad. Can we get some people to run that one independant of the campaign? I can just see it now…
Voiceover: “Why should you vote for President Bush, you ask? Well, this guy thinks you should…”
Heavily Photoshopped Rumsfeld: “I know where you live…”
screen fades to black…
Republican Logo
Caption: “Vote Bush. Trust me on this one.”
So, whaddya think? Think we can scrape up enough cash to run that one? 😉
Great, Frank, just Frank. The Chris Reeves stick is actually so close to the truth it is outrageous.
I love the Rummy ad as well, then a flash of Chomps afterwards? : )
“I know where you live” LOL. What’s next, “I find your lack of faith disturbing”??
Since Mary Beth Cahill says Mary Cheney is “fair game”, can we get a Celebrity Death Match? With Mary Mapes as a bonus contestant…
So, Barbara’s not a lesbian.
What about that t-shirt girl? I hope she’s not a lesbian.
Unless she’s your non-lesbian.
I think she is his, non-lesbian
next Rumsfeld commercial, have Chomps with him; “WE know where you live”; faint growl as fade to black…
thanks, FrankJ, keep up the good work.
WOW!
I’m a first time reader and I have to say this is possible one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Ever. According to scientist, it’s the result of tectonic shifts breaking apart the Pangaea supercontinent… way before my administration. Kerry and Edwards need to stop lying about me!
BWAHAHA!!