Archive of entries posted on 12th October 2004

Dude, I’m So Seeing This Movie

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I’m really getting hyped to see the movie Team America: World Police which comes out this weekend where Hans Blix is killed James Bond style in a shark tank, Michael Moore is blown up, there’s a song comparing one’s love to how much the magnitude that the movie Pearl Harbor sucked, and the main bad guys are puppets of Kim Jong Il and Alec Baldwin.
Anyway, thought I’d share this quote form this article:

And yet, some of Hollywood embrace and even seek out the “South Park” guys. Alec Baldwin, who leads the F.A.G. (Film Actor’s Guild) in the movie and allies with the North Korean dictator, found out he was being depicted in the film. The actor begged to be his own voice in the film.
“Yeah, he did call,” Stone confirms. “He called really early on.”
But they didn’t let him do his own voice, Parker explains. “No, we found a guy who did it better.”

What is a Dundee?

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There are so many news stories out there, but I don’t have time to comment on them all. I would like to congratulate Australian prime minister John Howard, though, on his big reelection. The Australians have been some of America’s best allies, and, if through some horrible circumstance I weren’t able to be an American, being Australian would be my next pick.
I even wrote a half-assed song about it. Let’s sing it together.
IF I WERE AN AUSSIE
If I were an Aussie, in the Outback I would play,
And to each person I met I’d say, “G’day.”
I’d play a mean didgeridoo
And box a kangaroo.
Oh, how much I would do
If I were an Aussie.
Oh, if I were an Aussie, I’d always smile,
Most of all when I’d wrestle a crocodile.
I’d throw a boomerang with glee
And shoot a koala in a tree.
Such great things I’d see
If I were an Aussie.
In Australia, from the dingoes I would run,
And I’d play some rugby for fun
Plus if anything would strike me
I’d exclaim, “Crikey!”
Instead of saying, “Bite me!”
If I were an Aussie.
If I were an Aussie, they’d call me Outback Frank,
And I’d kung fu fight pirates who’d try to make me walk the plank.
Then I’d hunt half bird/half horses that had stripes.
Okay, you got me; I’m out of Australian stereotypes.
But you’d quit your gripes
If I were an Aussie.

Question of the Day

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Is terrorism a nuisance or what?
I remember seeing a comedian on Conan O’Brien’s show pre 9/11 who had a laugh line, “Know what’s annoying? Terrorism.” I guess Kerry wouldn’t have gotten the joke and thought it was an insightful observation.
Am I being unfair to John Kerry?
Probably.
Do I care?
No.
What do you think?

Bask in the Wisdom of Frank

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I was part of a symposium at Right Wing News along with Ace from Ace of Spades, Bill from INDC Journal, Michele from A Small Victory, and, of course, John Hawkins. A symposium is a lot like a summit like John Kerry has been recommending… and it worked! There is now peace in Iraq!
Anyway, go read it!
Hey, I don’t remember saying any of that. How much did I have to drink that night?

If Taxes are Raised it Will Destroy Society and I’ll Hurt Someone
An Editorial by Frank J.

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 I remember getting my first paycheck from the supermarket I worked at during high school. I shouted to the guy who gave me my paycheck, “Hey, goober, I earned more than this!” He then showed me my pay stub with all the tax deductions.

 “What! They took all my money!” I screamed, “Someone must pay!”

 “Looks like you already did,” the guy replied, “Muh ha ha ha!”

 Thus I left the supermarket in full rage and a bit wiser. Ever since then, the gub’ment has robbed me left and right, and I don’t even know where that money goes. They take this huge chunk supposedly for Social Security – money I could be investing now in lucrative mutual funds or buy an X-Box with – and Lord knows I’ll never see it again. They pretend it’s for my benefit, but it’s pure and simple theft. Thus with each paycheck, my anger grows.

 Now, Kerry is promising all these benefits to people not smart enough to get high-paying engineering jobs like me, and he says he’ll pay for it by taxing all these wealthy people I don’t know.

 LIES!

 You just know he’s going to raise taxes on everyone – especially me; you can see it in his evil, Botox-twisted expression of contempt for the common man and humorous blogger. And if my taxes get raised any more, I’m going to get so mad I’m going to punch someone! That’s right; raising taxes will increase violent assault – but that’s not all!

 Higher taxes destroys jobs just like a baseball bat destroys a stool pigeon’s head. Without jobs, we’ll all be roaming the countryside scrounging for food and supplies. Also, with the high gasoline taxes, we’ll fight for fuel just like in Mad Max. And, as soon as weakness shows, you know the monkey will try and overthrow us. They’ve already done so for half of France.

 This does not have to be, though. First, let’s not elect John Kerry and instead chase him away with pitchforks and torches. Then, let’s lower taxes more!

 No, more!

 Still more!

 Actually, let’s get rid of them entirely. If the government needs money for cruise missiles to kill foreigners, I’ll happily write them a check. I just want to make sure it doesn’t go to poor people or children – whom I hate!

 In the least, keep taxes low or I’m going to get in a punching mood… and you may be nearby when it happens!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Clowns: The Eternal Menace” and “Kung Fu Fight Your Way to the Top: A Business Guide for Ninjas.”