Want to hear my verdict on the Presidential debate tomorrow night but can’t wait until Monday? Well, Saturday I’m going to be on Republican Radio. If you don’t get one of their stations, you can listen to them online. I should be on around the end of their first hour, sometime after 1:45PM ET (10:45AM PT).
Better get that sexy radio voice prepared…
Archive of entries posted on 7th October 2004
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Frank Answers: Instant Messaging, Democrat Infestation, Canadian Liberals, Cool Monkeys, and Ninja Stars
Pat B. writes:
The hordes that use Instant Messengers are well, for the most part ignorant. No, not you, don’t worry. But I was curious as to your preferred client? If you answer with “Trillian” I will love you forever (In a manly, respectful way).
What in God’s name is Trillian? I use AIM, but I turn it off a lot because people are always using it to IM me which is really annoying. I got stuff to do, people! I don’t have time to chat with smiley faces and what not. Sheesh…
lottiedottie writes:
As I was driving through town today, I saw that Democrats had established a campaign center. Here! In my town! I’m so disappointed to know that some of my neighbors might have some of those nasty tendencies. So I am wondering what you would suggest I do to combat this heinous incursion. Would it be appropriate to hire ninjas to break in during the cover of night and steal all their propaganda and leave monkeys to tend the shop? I realize that by doing so I would be inviting evil of another kind into my hometown, but wouldn’t this be the lesser of two evils?
P.S. Do you think that it is possible that the Kerry campaign workers are really monkeys in disguise?
As for your P.S., the DNC doesn’t disguise their monkeys.
Anyway, having a Democrat infestation can be annoying, but it’s no reason for ninja shenanigans. Just go to pest control and have them isolate and spray the place. Any remaining Democrats should be destroyed by stamping.
The Bear writes:
As technically I live in the Dominion of Canada, when is the United States (on orders from Secretary of War Frank J.) going to dominate this country and rid us of our oppressors, the Liberal Party of Canada?
I pride myself in being completely ignorant of the politics in all other countries, so I’m not quite familiar with your problem. By my understanding, Canada basically has a one party system that keeps power through a sham democracy. We in America are quite busy bringing freedom elsewhere, so you may be better off trying to handle things yourself. It’s not like your Liberal Party murders dissenters or cut off hands (do they?), so I bet they could be overthrown with a mild (but violent) coup. Why don’t you get working on that, and maybe Canada will then be interesting enough to make the news for a change.
Vegesigo from Birmingham, AL writes:
I can understand your general hatred of monkeys, however, I was watching Lion King last night with my daughter and realized that the monkey in it is quite awesome. He is by far the wisest of all of the animals, is a bit mystical, and knows martial arts. What say you on this?
That monkey is the most dangerous of all, as he makes monkeys look cool. This can have horrible monkey influence on your daughter that may be hard to deprogram. Instead, have her watch a monkey-free movie of good American values such as Die Hard.
The All-Powerful LEM writes:
Hey, Frank! I gots a question for you.
Good. Otherwise you’d be wasting my time.
If I were to convert an automatic baseball pitching machine into a ninja-star throwing Assembly of Death, would the U.S. government buy the patent from me? Since you’re so smart and worldly, I bet you have better judgement on matters like this than I do.
If you don’t think the government already has a machine to automatically throw ninja-stars, you’re a fool. A FOOL!
Their device can throw knives, rocks, and hamsters too.
Sorry to shatter your dream, but, if you break into government buildings and read their secret weapons files, you could save yourself a lot of time in the future.
If you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers… maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.
Did You Know…
…the notion that porcupines have painful spikes is a myth, so hug one today; they’re squeezably soft.
…that if all of Michael Moore’s flatulence was converted into energy, whoever had to do it would be the angriest man in America.
…John Edwards keeps his hair so lustrous by washing it with the blood of the innocent.
Question of the Day
In My World: Slam Dunk
“And now we go to our round table,” Brit Hume announced, “Mara Liasson of National Public Radio, Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard, and Mort Kondracke of Roll Call, FOX News contributors all. Of course, our subject is the Vice Presidential debate.”
“Slam dunk for John Edwards, no question,” Barnes stated.
“I dunno, seemed more like a body slam to me,” Kondracke said.
“I’m not really an expert on this sort of thing, but it looked like a pile driver,” Liasson commented.
“But we all agree, that, whether it was a slam dunk, a body slam, or a pile driver,” Hume said, “Edwards’s head was driven through the table at great force after Cheney grabbed him.”
“And I think Cheney made his point,” Barnes stated, “Contrasting strong leadership with weak furniture.”
“You have to give points to Edwards for how he handled it, though,” Liasson commented, “He took the attack quietly… much unlike his earlier crying.”
“I think that was because he was unconscious,” Kondracke said.
“What about the crying?” Hume asked, “Each time Cheney made an attack on Edwards’s or Kerry’s record, Edwards broke down crying. How do you think the voters will react to that?”
“I think people will sympathize with him,” Liasson stated, “Cheney is a very scary man.”
“I disagree,” Kondracke said, “He made him look weak and, frankly, not presidential.”
“Let’s face it,” Barnes exclaimed, “This was Bambi versus Godzilla. You wanted to avert your gaze from the slaughter, but you couldn’t stop staring from morbid curiosity.”
“Edwards made a few good points, though,” Liasson declared, “between the whimpering that is.”
“But the whole venue was set against Edwards,” Kondracke said, “especially how there was no rule to keep Cheney from thumping Edwards in the head.”
“Which was inappropriate and made Cheney look mean,” Liasson stated.
“On the contrary, I think Cheney looked calm and professional while he beat up Edwards,” Barnes said, “Even after breaking the table with Edwards’s head during his closing statement, Cheney then just fixed his tie and continued talking for the last twenty seconds like nothing strange happened.”
“He was quite calm,” Kondracke agreed, “Almost sedated.”
“A sedated Godzilla,” Hume suggested.
“And that’s what people want now in this war on terror,” Barnes said, “A calm, trustworthy giant beast from Monster Island, not some guy who got beat up in kindergarten.”
“I think Edwards’s toughness as a child is hardly the issue,” Liasson responded.
“I mean last week,” Barnes stated, “He visited a school, and the kindergarteners knocked him down and beat the crap out of him.”
“Let’s move on to Bush’s speech,” Hume said, “Do you think it gives any clue to his strategy for the Friday debate?”
“He is clearly trying to build off the momentum Cheney made,” Kondracke stated.
“And he certainly hinted at something to come,” Barnes commented.
“I believe you’re referring to this statement,” Hume said.
The screen showed Bush standing at his podium. “I have plans for the next debate,” he stated, “Secret, evil plans. Muh ha ha ha!”
“Knowing Bush’s record, I’d be worried that he might hurt himself with his evil plans,” Liasson commented.
“His crazy schemes do usually backfire with hilarious consequences,” Kondracke said.
“I guess we’ll all be watching then to see what happens,” Brit Hume stated and then looked to the camera, “Remember to tune in Friday to FOX News for complete debate coverage, body slams, pile drivers, and all.”
TO BE CONTINUED…