Archive of entries posted on 5th October 2004

Bigger Better Ads

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You may have noticed the new ad with Ann Coulter, and, if you didn’t, I’m doing something wrong. That’s my extra special ad space. Also, I forgot to mention the return of JC T-Shirts with the new shark-eat-shark shirt. Check them out and all my other ads.
There is some misunderstanding on my Blog Ads. I don’t receive money for each click or if they sell merchandise. They are buying ad space from me the same as buying ad space in a magazine. That said, since they were all nice enough to be my sponsors, I think you owe checking out each of my advertisers at least once -a small price for free ice cream.

Frank Answers: Nougat, Aliens, Holster Selection, and the Pope Hat

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Turkeyhead asks:
Is it true that nougat can be chemically altered into symtex with the use of specific enzymes from monkey spit? Is that why they don’t sell Mars® bars at zoos, because that would make the monkey doodie highly explosive?
That’s only half true.
Noah, aka Tsymyn, writes:
During the Cold War, at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, there were many sightings of UFOs over the White House and the Kremlin, leading many to speculate that alien ambassadors had visited both superpowers, preventing a nuclear holocaust. If there is a race of compassionate aliens determined to avert horrible disasters on earth, will they prevent the potential upcoming downfall of the United States of America by A. Restoring sanity to liberals with their mind rays, thereby making them conservatives who will vote for Bush, or B. Vaporizing Kerry with their precision death rays?
U.S. policy has always been to immediately kill any aliens and give them an autopsy while poorly filming it. If the aliens are going to have any effect on the election, it will be while their organs reside in individual, marked jars.
El Jefe writes:
Since Virginia is an open-carry state now, how should I go about wearing my .45 while shooting pool? Hip or shoulder holster? You know, just in case someone starts crying, “Foul!” when it really wasn’t a foul and I don’t want to give the liberal cry-baby hippy-tard ball-in-hand.
First off, shoulder holsters with a horizontal draw are just rude in an open carry situation, as your gun will be pointing at anyone behind you. Also, any shoulder holster is likely to get in the way while playing pool, making that foul more likely. I recommend to go with the tried and true hip holster.
Remember: By Virginia law, you can only legally pistol whip hippies for the offense you mentioned.
Connie du Toit asks:
Why does the Pope wear a fabric covered KFC chicken bucket on his head?
I’m tired of all the ignorance about the Catholic faith out there. There’s a book, Catechism of the Catholic Church, that has everything spelled out for those interested, but no one bothers.
Anyway, the KFC chicken bucket hat harkens back to how Jesus fed thousands after his sermon on the mount from one bucket of chicken. It’s covered with fabric so the KFC logo isn’t seen thus keeping the Catholic Church free from corporate sponsors.

If you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers… maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Iran, North Korea, and Children Shouldn’t Have Nuclear Weapons
An Editorial by Frank J.

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 Some countries should have nuclear weapons, such as America. Then… well, that’s about it, but I guess it’s okay the British have some, and I don’t mind much that India and Pakistan have them as long as they just keep them pointed at each other. But know who shouldn’t have nuclear weapons? Iran, North Korea, and children.

 Iran, North Korea, and children just can’t be trusted with the responsibility nuclear weapons entail. Nuclear weapons can kill millions and put the world into the deadliest war in history, but we can’t trust that Iran, North Korea, and children will be rational enough to understand that.

 Also, look at the history of Iran, North Korea, and children; they often have been reckless with their possessions in the past, and it wouldn’t be too surprising if Iran, North Korea, or children misplaced their nuclear weapons such that they ended up in the hands of terrorists. Sure we could scold them afterwards, but the damage would be done. That’s why we need to keep Iran, North Korea, and children from getting nuclear weapons in the first place.

 Iran, North Korea, and children probably won’t accept this ruling and throw tantrums saying they should be able to have nuclear weapons too. It’s best to just ignore them when they act like that. But, we need to keep a constant eye on Iran, North Korea, and children because they are likely to disobey us if they think we aren’t looking. Perhaps we can motivate them by saying if they’re good we’ll make trade agreements, loosen sanctions, and give them cookies, things that Iran, North Korea, and children want.

 It will take a stern hand to keep Iran, North Korea, and children in line, but the consequences of any of them getting nuclear weapons is too much for the world to bear. It’s best we keep nuclear weapons up on a refrigerator or underground in a reinforced, concrete silo where Iran, North Korea, and children can’t reach them. If they still persist, then harder actions must be taken. As the old saying goes, “Spare the rod, spoil the Iran, North Korea, or child.”
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Monkey Was Dead When I Got Here” and “My Lord, Art is Boring!”