Oops, almost forgot.
Here are the winners of the Celebrity Costume Contest.
**
Most Original..
Ann Coulter in Trinity-like black leather catsuit.
Posted by kyber at October 15, 2004 05:52 AM
**
Best Representation of a John Kerry Supporter.
I’m no celebrity, but I’m thinking about going out dressed like Osama bin Laden. My desert robes will be open to reveal two things: a belt made from red-painted PVC pipe and wire, and a Kerry/Edwards campaign T-shirt.
Now I’ll just have to draw up some “Jihadistanis for Kerry” literature to hand out…
Posted by Guncrazy at October 15, 2004 12:09 AM
**
Most Inspirational..
Ann Coulter in Trinity-like black leather catsuit.
Posted by kyber at October 15, 2004 05:52 AM
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Costume Requiring the Most Work–
Theresa could comb her hair, wash her face, put on some makeup, and go as a possessed Linda Blair.
Posted by greg zywicki at October 15, 2004 10:05 AM
**
Most Creative..
Ann Coulter in Trinity-like black leather catsuit.
Posted by kyber at October 15, 2004 05:52 AM
**
Most likely to deliver a baby in the Hallway Award.
For Halloween I put a life size scarecrow in the hall outside my office last night. This morning it scared the crap out of everyone. Now two weeks of getting used to seeing it there and then on Friday before Halloween I trade places with the scarecrow and grab their arms as they walk by. I did it two years ago in El Paso and one guy actually shit in his pants and his kids cried. Too funny. We will set up a camera to catch the action. One question one of the girls here is 7.5 months pregnant, the baby will be okay if its born here in the hall right?
Posted by Bullshark at October 14, 2004 06:42 PM
**
Okay. You are all winners.
Well, not ALL of you. Just these 4 people.
So send me those questions for an episode of Ask RightWingDuck.
Email me at rightwingduck [at] yahoo [dot] com. But ASK RWD in the subject.

Okay.
Wrapping it up for today.
I didn’t get all of my writing done so I’m not sure if I’ll just post it at my site (www.rightwingduck.com) or if I’ll post it here this weekend.
Need places to visit?
Where do I surf?
Veda has the kookiest site with great ghost stories.
If you want to know more about a man from his handshake, go read Metallica Rat. He’s got a great bit posted.
Oh, if you want a good rant.. GOC really lays into people from time to time. Awesome stuff.
Some sad news too, kinda. Serenity of Serenity’s Journal has announced that she won’t be doing political stuff after the election. Too bad. Nobody puts a head on a plattter the way she does. Good news is that she has other stuff as well.
Want weird? Hattie just posted about dreams she’s been having about FrankJ and SarahK.
Okay. It’s one thing to blog – it’s another thing to DREAM about it.

Hello IMAO Readers,
Here’s the final part of ask Teresa. I think that answers most of your questions. See, this has been very educational for all of us. And soap sales have increased 12% since starting this topic. Thanks for all of your contributions.
Dear Teresa – Part III
**
Dear Teresa,
If your husband uses Botox on his face, where did you get injected with Botox?
Posted by 007 at October 15, 2004 02:02 PM
Dear 007,
Where did I get injected with Botox?
Beverly Hills.
THK
**
Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of an orange Kerry creamsicle?
Posted by johnny at October 15, 2004 02:04 PM
Dear Johnny,
I don’t know. How many licks does it take? Let me find out.
A one. A two. A three. Three!!
I’m still hungry. Hey, is your name Johnny too?
THK
**
Paralysis.
Arthritis.
My respect for Democrats in general.
Is there anything Kerry/Edwards can’t cure?
Posted by right at October 15, 2004 02:18 PM
Dear Right,
Is there anything Kerry/Edwards can’t cure?
Wrinkles.
But that’s why they make Botox.
THK
**
Dear Terr-ray-zuh:
Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Posted by sefton at October 15, 2004 02:19 PM
Dear Sefton:
What is it with you conservatives? Good or Bad? Black or White? Fighting for the us or against?
I believe in nuance.
Frankly, I’m offended by your question.
Witch indeed.
THK
**
Dear Teresa,
I am an eight year old living in Florida. My parents have done what you said and no longer clothe me. I was just wondering when it will be safe again for me to wear shorts. Frankly, I’m tired of kids at school laughing and pointing at me, and I kinda’ miss my Spiderman Under-roos. Thanks.
Posted by Chad at October 15, 2004 01:21 PMDear Teresa,
Dear Chad,
Poor Dear! No underwear. Nothing to keep you protected from the warm roasting sun?
Come here and rest. Soak yourself in this bathtub full of gin. Relax darling. You deserve it.
THK
**
How much play time should children have each day?
Posted by lyana at October 15, 2004 02:18 PM
Hello Ivana,
I find that 30 minutes a day is just about right. Any more than that and the meat just comes out too tough.
Also, try marinating them in Gin for 1 week.
That always helps with flavor.
THK
**
Dear Theresa,
As a poor grad student, I do not have the financial resources to afford both gin AND white raisins. Is there any way that you could give me yours?
Posted by Rob at October 15, 2004 01:34 PM
Dear Rob,
So what? You don’t have resources. Get your priories straight. So you may have to go naked for a while.
Gin and raisins are worth it.
P.S. Look around. I think you might find a pair of Spiderman Underoos somewhere around here.
THK
**
Dear Teresa,
What should I use to get the foie gras (made from rightwing duck livers, of course) stains out of my Belgian table linens?
Posted by jonag at October 15, 2004 02:20 PM
Dear Jonag,
That is the most repulsive thing I’ve ever heard. Really? Belgian Table linens.
I need a good drink. Ooh. Raisins.
THK
**
Dear Dr. Teereeza,
I am concerned about my face. It has kept growing since I was a little boy. Some people make fun of me calling me canoe face, lurch and herman munster. This is hurting my self esteem and a lot of people in the right wing media are making fun of me. Do all billionaire widows find men with a shovel chin attractive? Does it interfear with you ability to flip flop? Please help JFK
Posted by jeff at October 15, 2004 02:25 PM
Dear Jeff,
Don’t’ think of your face as long. Think of it as a saddle. Personally, I feel it interferes with the ability to flip flop — but who wants to climb off anyway?
P.S. Call me (wink)
P.P.S. Is your face your only horse-like characteristic?
THK
**
Dear Teresa,
I have a long haired terrier mix. After I give him a bath I have to use a soft steel brush to get the tangles out. Would you like to borrow my brush?
Posted by truth peddler at October 15, 2004 03:45 PM
Dear Truth Peddler,
Thank you. Aren’t you a sweetheart. You know, I believe that John does indeed need a new toothbrush.
Thank you.
THK
**
Okay guys. That’s it for now. I noticed that nobody is chiming in with ‘First’ anymore. Darn, I could have used that again.
Sincerely,
RightWingDuck.
Remember to drop by my site each day. I post a comedy monologue each day that’s sometimes even funny!!

Hello Everybody.
Here are the first batch of answers from THK!! Forgive me if I took the questions in the wrong order.
Ask Teresa Part II
Dear Teresa:
I was wondering, is there something special you like to wear when “intimate” with John? Say a special teddy, or maybe a barbed wire thong?
Billy D
Posted by Billy D at October 15, 2004 12:47 PM
You know making love is that special time of year.
Yes, we do have a lot of special things we do. I pretend that I’m a voter and John wants to get into my ‘Electoral-is’. We play strip search and then rub each other with special Love Oil, that smells wonderful but leaves a slightly orange tint to the skin..
Afterwards (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh — RWD’s finger fell off and he had to rip out his eyes and ears)
[Scene deleted for the sake of humanity.]

Dear Teresa,
Is it true that, on a daily basis you get naked and rub ketchup all over yourself to “keep them from shooting the lasers into your head?”
sted by Muledriver at October 15, 2004 01:13 PM
That’s not Ketchup — that’s Love Oil. See the question above.
[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH]
As far as lasers are concerned, I have no fear of them. It seems that everywhere I go, I see a little red dot aimed at me — I guess it’s how you say “I love you” here in America.
THK

Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,
I am tired of working for a living, and would like to marry a rich widow. How did John get you to marry him? Can you give me any pointers that will help me land an heiress?
Posted by SeeBS at October 15, 2004 01:06 PM
Oh, good for you.
Too many men out there like their women young. I mean really, you marry them young and they’ve already split their fortunes 3 or 4 times. Silly.
If you marry them older, there’s more money in the till.
How do you win a woman’s heart? Gifts? Who are you kidding — you people are poor. You probably spend your time eating macaroni and cheese and fiddling with your TV sets.
John won my heart with romance. He took me to see Vietnam. We strolled through the old Rice Paddies. He showed me his pictures in the North Vietnamese Hall of Fame. How many war heroes do you know received awards from BOTH sides?
THK

Dear Teresa,
When will John Kerry dye himself another bright, odd color? It got my attention. Really, I was impressed. The orange was a nice touch.
Love,
DeoDuce
Posted by DeoDuce at October 15, 2004 12:29 PM
Dear DeoDuce,
Thank you. We loved the Orange color too. Plus it tastes just like ketchup!
THK

Dear Teresa,
I’m having trouble getting my Always Save brand macaroni and cheese to taste right. On the box, it shows a picture of this creamy, smooth bowl of mac and cheese, and mine always turns out lumpy, with unmelted cheese powder stuck inside the pasta. What am I doing wrong?
P.S. Do you know how to use a wire coat hanger to help my rabbit ears get better TV reception? Watching the debates, your husband appeared to be the same color as my mac and cheese.
Posted by Colonel Klink at October 15, 2004 12:35 PM
Dear Colonel Klink.
I will give your question to my Chef at my new restaurant: Stalag 13. No question ever escapes Stalag 13.
As far as rabbit ears, have you tried wearing a blue bunny costume? I found that when John did that — he got a happy reception every place we visited.
THK

Dear Teresa,
At what point will DNC operatives tie you up, gag you, and lock you in a room to keep you from giving any more stupid statements? I hope it’ll be soon because my blood pressure raises everytime you open your mouth.
Posted by Tex at October 15, 2004 01:09 PM
Dear Tex,
Gagging, Tying up? I love celebrity fundraisers! We’ll be out in Texas next week.
As far as your blood pressure — make sure you drink Gin. It’s good for you.
THK

Dear Teresa,
Are you really as hideous as the photos show? Or did you “ugly-down” for the campaign with the mistaken idea that it would make you look more like us common folk?
Posted by FormerHostage at October 15, 2004 01:13 PM
Dear FormerHostage,
Are you coming onto me? (adjusts clothes, unbuttons top button) Would you like to see if I’m real? (winks suggestively)
Former hostage, Would you like to be ‘recaptured’
THK
**
Dear Tereeeeezzzzaaaaa,
I am really impressed by all the languages you can speak. I was told that you also speak Vulcan, Klingon and a dash of Dolphin. Is this true?
Posted by Cabel at October 15, 2004 01:27 PM
Hello Cabel.
Yes, this is very true. Although my Dolphin is rusty, I speak it with a Swordfish accent. As far as Klingon — Edwards speaks Kling on. That’s all he does — cling on, cling on, cling on.
THK
**
Dear Teresa:
The Democrats seem to have lost their moral compass. Could you ask the servants to look under the sofa cushions to see if it fell out of my pocket or something?
Love–
–your horse-faced lover boy
Posted by LCVRWC at October 15, 2004 01:28 PM
Hi Lover Boy,
Are you sure it’s not in your pocket? Let me help you look.
I have your ‘Electoral-is’ right here.
THK
**
Thank you for writing, everybody.
My name is Teresa and I want you to vote for John as your next President. As an incentive, I will give myself to anybody who asks.
First!!
Posted by BREW at October 15, 2004 12:13 PM

Hello IMAO Readers,
Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here with a new topic.
As you know, Teresa Heinz Kerry (aka, hunka hunka burnin’ love) recently gave some medical advice for treating Arthritis. Soak some white raisins in Gin for two weeks and then eat 9 a day.
Hmmm. This got me to thinking..
What other pearls of wisdom would this woman dispense if given the chance?
Let’s find out. Today’s topic is…
Ask Teresa!!
Go ahead and ask any question.
Relationships? Economy? Children? Anything!
Ask your questions in the comments section. I will provide answers using my top secret resources such as – Dan Rather, The Phone Book, or MSU (Making Stuff Up).
Be sure to check back in on a regular basis. Very regular. In fact, sit there and hit refresh repeatedly. I need volume to keep my Guestblogging gig.
Just kidding.
Please start all questions with.. ‘Dear Teresa’