Hello IMAO Readers,
Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here with a new topic.
As you know, Teresa Heinz Kerry (aka, hunka hunka burnin’ love) recently gave some medical advice for treating Arthritis. Soak some white raisins in Gin for two weeks and then eat 9 a day.
Hmmm. This got me to thinking..
What other pearls of wisdom would this woman dispense if given the chance?
Let’s find out. Today’s topic is…
Ask Teresa!!
Go ahead and ask any question.
Relationships? Economy? Children? Anything!
Ask your questions in the comments section. I will provide answers using my top secret resources such as – Dan Rather, The Phone Book, or MSU (Making Stuff Up).
Be sure to check back in on a regular basis. Very regular. In fact, sit there and hit refresh repeatedly. I need volume to keep my Guestblogging gig.
Just kidding.
Please start all questions with.. ‘Dear Teresa’
first!!
So instead of Dr. Phil or Dr. Dean Adell or even Dr. Ruth we have
Dr. Treazzzzza!
What a stretch!
Fritz’s Thoughts
Dear Teresa,
I know were all the young boys, soldiers, flowers, and everything else in that stupid hippie song have gone. But where has my funny gone? I need my funny!
Brew
P.S. Could you tell RWD I am just kidding and he is doing a fine job.
Dear Teresa,
My limbs are a-creakin’ bad but I can’t afford gin. Will your husband’s health care plan pay for my gin?
I got raisins. At least I think they’re raisins. I put ’em in some bleach to make ’em white like you said.
Dear Teresa,
When will John Kerry dye himself another bright, odd color? It got my attention. Really, I was impressed. The orange was a nice touch.
Love,
DeoDuce
Dear Teresa,
What is proper protocol for losing an election?
Dear Teresa,
I’m having trouble getting my Always Save brand macaroni and cheese to taste right. On the box, it shows a picture of this creamy, smooth bowl of mac and cheese, and mine always turns out lumpy, with unmelted cheese powder stuck inside the pasta. What am I doing wrong?
P.S. Do you know how to use a wire coat hanger to help my rabbit ears get better TV reception? Watching the debates, your husband appeared to be the same color as my mac and cheese.
Dear Teresa:
I was wondering, is there something special you like to wear when “intimate” with John? Say a special teddy, or maybe a barbed wire thong?
Billy D
Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,
I am tired of working for a living, and would like to marry a rich widow. How did John get you to marry him? Can you give me any pointers that will help me land an heiress?
Dear Teresa,
At what point will DNC operatives tie you up, gag you, and lock you in a room to keep you from giving any more stupid statements? I hope it’ll be soon because my blood pressure raises everytime you open your mouth.
Dear Teresa,
how can you stand to mingle with the great unwashed on those campaign-trail photo ops? I realize you have to do it until your John gets elected but, really, fast-food restaurants? Ugh!
Dear Teresa,
Sometimes when it is cold outside and my pickup won’t start, I have to hold a t-shirt on the carburetor to choke it while somebody else turns the engine over until it starts. Then when my old lady starts hollerin about having to clean black marks off my good t-shirt, I have to give it to her a couple times to make her shut the hell up. So my question is, which is a better drink to serve at the fancy tv dinner that we are gonna have when my bro gets outa prison: a six-pack of Pabst, or a bottle of Thunderbird?
Thanks,
siklilpig
ps… I sure do like the ketchup. It goes good with my morning beer.
Dear Teresa,
are you really as hideous as the photos show? Or did you “ugly-down” for the campaign with the mistaken idea that it would make you look more like us common folk?
Dear Teresa,
Is it true that, on a daily basis you get naked and rub ketchup all over yourself to “keep them from shooting the lasers into your head?”
That’s just something I heard.
Dear Teresa,
I am an eight year old living in Florida. My parents have done what you said and no longer clothe me. I was just wondering when it will be safe again for me to wear shorts. Frankly, I’m tired of kids at school laughing and pointing at me, and I kinda’ miss my Spiderman Under-roos. Thanks.
Dear Tereeeeezzzzaaaaa,
I am really impressed by all the languages you can speak. I was told that you also speak Vulcan, Klingon and a dash of Dolphin. Is this true?
Dear Teresa:
The Democrats seem to have lost their moral compass. Could you ask the servants to look under the sofa cushions to see if it fell out of my pocket or something?
Love–
–your horse-faced lover boy
Dear Theresa,
As a poor grad student, I do not have the financial resources to afford both gin AND white raisins. Is there any way that you could give me yours?
Dear Teresa,
Did I hear your husband say that he “married up”?
One more question: Is this his secret for providing affordable health care?
Dear Teresa,
If your husband uses Botox on his face, where did you get injected with Botox?
Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,
How many lick does it take to get to the center of an orange Kerry creamsicle?
Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of an orange Kerry creamsicle?
Dear TAH-RAYY-ZAHHH:
What is the appropriate tip given to your gigolo after being serviced?
A snowboard? A wind-surfing rig? Office of the President?
Please let me know.
Paralysis.
Arthritis.
My respect for Democrats in general.
Is there anything Kerry/Edwards can’t cure?
Dear Teresa,
How much play time should children have each day?
Dear Terr-ray-zuh:
Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Dear Teresa,
What should I use to get the foie gras (made from rightwing duck livers, of course) stains out of my Belgian table linens?
Dear Dr. Teereeza,
I am concerened about my face. It has kept growing since I was a little boy. Some people make fun of me calling me canoe face, lurch and herman munster. This is hurting my self esteem and a lot of people in the right wing media are making fun of me. Do all billionaire widows find men with a shovel chin attractive? Does it interfear with you ability to flip flop? Please help JFK
Dear Teresa,
I have a long haired terrier mix. After I give him a bath I have to use a soft steel brush to get the tangles out. Would you like to borrow my brush?
Dear Teresa,
I was wondering about your raisin and gin therapy for arthritis. Would vodka be equally efficacious? And what if I, say, didn’t have time to soak them; could I just drink the vodka–or gin, depending on your answer to the previous question—in perhaps the form of a nice dry martini, and just munch the raisins?
One more thing, I’ve just figured out the answer to the question of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but what’s really puzzling me to the point of insomnia is what music would they be dancing to. If you could send me a play list, I’d get busy practicing. It may come in handy some day.
dear teresa
are you related to tootsie? also, since your comment about laura Bush not ever having a real job…I was wondering…what do you do for a living? do you work..or did you marry money too?