Hello Everybody.
Here are the first batch of answers from THK!! Forgive me if I took the questions in the wrong order.
Ask Teresa Part II
Dear Teresa:
I was wondering, is there something special you like to wear when “intimate” with John? Say a special teddy, or maybe a barbed wire thong?
Billy D
Posted by Billy D at October 15, 2004 12:47 PM
You know making love is that special time of year.
Yes, we do have a lot of special things we do. I pretend that I’m a voter and John wants to get into my ‘Electoral-is’. We play strip search and then rub each other with special Love Oil, that smells wonderful but leaves a slightly orange tint to the skin..
Afterwards (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh — RWD’s finger fell off and he had to rip out his eyes and ears)
[Scene deleted for the sake of humanity.]

Dear Teresa,
Is it true that, on a daily basis you get naked and rub ketchup all over yourself to “keep them from shooting the lasers into your head?”
sted by Muledriver at October 15, 2004 01:13 PM
That’s not Ketchup — that’s Love Oil. See the question above.
[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH]
As far as lasers are concerned, I have no fear of them. It seems that everywhere I go, I see a little red dot aimed at me — I guess it’s how you say “I love you” here in America.
THK

Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,
I am tired of working for a living, and would like to marry a rich widow. How did John get you to marry him? Can you give me any pointers that will help me land an heiress?
Posted by SeeBS at October 15, 2004 01:06 PM
Oh, good for you.
Too many men out there like their women young. I mean really, you marry them young and they’ve already split their fortunes 3 or 4 times. Silly.
If you marry them older, there’s more money in the till.
How do you win a woman’s heart? Gifts? Who are you kidding — you people are poor. You probably spend your time eating macaroni and cheese and fiddling with your TV sets.
John won my heart with romance. He took me to see Vietnam. We strolled through the old Rice Paddies. He showed me his pictures in the North Vietnamese Hall of Fame. How many war heroes do you know received awards from BOTH sides?
THK

Dear Teresa,
When will John Kerry dye himself another bright, odd color? It got my attention. Really, I was impressed. The orange was a nice touch.
Love,
DeoDuce
Posted by DeoDuce at October 15, 2004 12:29 PM
Dear DeoDuce,
Thank you. We loved the Orange color too. Plus it tastes just like ketchup!
THK

Dear Teresa,
I’m having trouble getting my Always Save brand macaroni and cheese to taste right. On the box, it shows a picture of this creamy, smooth bowl of mac and cheese, and mine always turns out lumpy, with unmelted cheese powder stuck inside the pasta. What am I doing wrong?
P.S. Do you know how to use a wire coat hanger to help my rabbit ears get better TV reception? Watching the debates, your husband appeared to be the same color as my mac and cheese.
Posted by Colonel Klink at October 15, 2004 12:35 PM
Dear Colonel Klink.
I will give your question to my Chef at my new restaurant: Stalag 13. No question ever escapes Stalag 13.
As far as rabbit ears, have you tried wearing a blue bunny costume? I found that when John did that — he got a happy reception every place we visited.
THK

Dear Teresa,
At what point will DNC operatives tie you up, gag you, and lock you in a room to keep you from giving any more stupid statements? I hope it’ll be soon because my blood pressure raises everytime you open your mouth.
Posted by Tex at October 15, 2004 01:09 PM
Dear Tex,
Gagging, Tying up? I love celebrity fundraisers! We’ll be out in Texas next week.
As far as your blood pressure — make sure you drink Gin. It’s good for you.
THK

Dear Teresa,
Are you really as hideous as the photos show? Or did you “ugly-down” for the campaign with the mistaken idea that it would make you look more like us common folk?
Posted by FormerHostage at October 15, 2004 01:13 PM
Dear FormerHostage,
Are you coming onto me? (adjusts clothes, unbuttons top button) Would you like to see if I’m real? (winks suggestively)
Former hostage, Would you like to be ‘recaptured’
THK
**
Dear Tereeeeezzzzaaaaa,
I am really impressed by all the languages you can speak. I was told that you also speak Vulcan, Klingon and a dash of Dolphin. Is this true?
Posted by Cabel at October 15, 2004 01:27 PM
Hello Cabel.
Yes, this is very true. Although my Dolphin is rusty, I speak it with a Swordfish accent. As far as Klingon — Edwards speaks Kling on. That’s all he does — cling on, cling on, cling on.
THK
**
Dear Teresa:
The Democrats seem to have lost their moral compass. Could you ask the servants to look under the sofa cushions to see if it fell out of my pocket or something?
Love–
–your horse-faced lover boy
Posted by LCVRWC at October 15, 2004 01:28 PM
Hi Lover Boy,
Are you sure it’s not in your pocket? Let me help you look.
I have your ‘Electoral-is’ right here.
THK
**
Thank you for writing, everybody.
My name is Teresa and I want you to vote for John as your next President. As an incentive, I will give myself to anybody who asks.
First!!
Posted by BREW at October 15, 2004 12:13 PM