Understanding Ohio.
If you get nothing else from visiting this site (BTW we hope the rash clears up – should be nothing) we hope you get a thorough understanding of Ohio and why so many presidential candidates are hanging out there.
it’s time for a RightWingDuck Educational Primer.
People aren’t sure what to call people from Ohio. Some use Ohioans. Others say Ohohos. Still others use, Ohana hanas. Whatever. As long as the first sounds are Oh.
The word ‘Ohio’ comes from an ancient Indian word meaning, “Damn, but these people are white.”
When the early settlers came to Ohio, they had nothing but a loaf a bread and a couple cans of peanut butter.
They are very stingy in Ohio.
They are almost out of Peanut Butter.
Al Gore could have won Ohio last election – but he screwed up the old joke. He told them, “I’m just like Ohio, I’m round in the middle and high on both ends. ”
This did not sit well with Ohiohos.
No President has ever won the election without Ohio. the other 252 Electoral votes are pretty important too. (Authors note: I don’t know how many electoral votes Ohio has – I don’t feel like looking it up. but 252 sounded funny and that’s all that matters)
The Ohio Buckeye has been the source of confusion and more than a little embarrassment. Nobody is really sure what it is.
This has prompted weird remarks such as, “Buckeyes roasting on an open fire.” and “Ohh. Bad shot. He got it right in the Buckeye.”
Rumor has it that it’s some kind of nut. Other’s think it’s some sort of cat.
Presidents have sucked up to Ohio quite a bit lately. The residents are starting to milk it for all its worth.
Last week, Ohoonas, challenged Kerry to a horse milking contest. Nobody has the heart to tell him that it wasn’t MILK he was drinking there mister!!!
They made George Bush scrub down the local car wash. Poor man didn’t know when to stop. He made $5.00 in tips.
Kerry had an advantage at first because Ohoola-hoolas love Ketchup.
Unfortunately, he blew that advantage when he asked, “What the frig is meatloaf.”
The following week, Meatloaf endorsed Bush and performed at the White House.
There are many other interesting things about Ohio. To learn more – surf the comments section of this post and see what others can share.
Or – visit your local library.
This has been a RightWingDuck Educational Primer. I hope you learned something.
I sure didn’t.
Paul.
sorry to hear about Ohio.
BTW, I do the Educational Primers because FrankJ does not allow me to do Franchise stuff such as IMW, FUn Facts, Know thy enemy….
Does Ohio have a river??
map. map. where’s that map.
Bush has defied the laws of the President before, no president has ever won without taking Ohio but the tallest President has always won the election as well, except for when Bush did it in 2000 against Al Bore, and it is even said that because of some blue states turning yellow Bush could win without taking Ohio. you cannot misunderestimate Bush, you might just get bushwacked.
4 more in 04
Hey Paul
Don’t knock the big rollercoaster. It’s actually quite fun according to my sister.
No, I didn’t wimp out. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to wait in line 8 hours.
We tried to close Ohio’s borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There’s a provision in the Constitution that says you can’t close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.”
— Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
hello there fellows, it’s time for an ohioan to give you lessen. you see Ohio is a Republican state, at least historically. our cities are well developed just like any other state. we could kick frances ass any day…so no they don’t own us. and most certainly i hate france with a passion…
i went to Ohio State and the phrase is “once a buckeye always a buckeye”.
see the nut is poisonous and if you defer from it you die. kerry will die if we lure him to become a buckeye because of his flip flopping.
see we ohioans have a plan…get it?
also…Corn is only in the far northern parts and in between some central parts. those are where we send people that voted for al gore. you see after growing corn for a while you forget about the brain washing of the democrats and you start to vote republican
see we have a plan!
There is an exception to the No Cool People From Ohio Rule:
P.J. O’Rourke
Greetings from Ohio!!! I live in the southeastern part of the state, on the Ohio River. Across the river is the God-forsaken state of West Virginia. I have nothing against West Virginians, as my wife was born there, however, they all seem to be afflicted with the same strange disease: an inexplicable love and admiration for Robert “Sheets” Byrd. They genetically are predisposed to voting only for Democrats, then they are puzzled when their entire economy shuts down. Know where it went? Ohio! We pick up all of the people and businesses who are intelligent enough to find their way across the river. This ensures that our gene pool stays fairly clean, while keeping the unsavory types “over there”. BTW- we have hills, big ones, hills so big they can almost be called mountains! They block our view of the sun and provide us with some of the most treacherous and white-knuckle winter driving known to man. Just thought I’d give you a head’s up from a Missouri-born Ohioan, Buckeye, or whatever the hell we are today.
Colonel Klink out!
I was really miffed at the descriptions of Ohio until I realized they’re all true. Except Ohio is a Red state, so don’t call us the enemy. By the way, Paul, don’t forget about soybeans – they’re a type of corn only shorter. We developed them at Ohio State so we could have something to plant in our front yards.
Most fascinating little-known fact about Ohio: an actual war was fought between Ohio and Michigan over who got Toledo – complete with militias and guns and everything (but no casualties). Obviously, Ohio lost.
gee, how many Educational Primers do you have to study to get a degree from RWDU?
My Wife, God help us, is from Ohio, 30 miles or so west of Cleveland.
Poor benighted souls don’t know the Browns really play in Baltimore now, and that those are actually French imposters playing ‘Football’. I mean, look at the scores, they obviuously think they are playing soccer.
Anyway, as long as our first true enemy is trying to influence the election by e-mailing the voters in Clark County, we should be fine. They aren’t so bright there, and it’ll backfire.
I also went to school in Ohio. It is the only place I’ve heard of where the river caught fire! The University of Akron’s name is the Zips–from a zipper manufacturer who donated to the school–but the mascot is a Kangaroo. Someone please explain that. Ohio is pretty cool though because, Drew Cary, a Conservative Libertarian and funny guy, is from there. They also have that cool Goodyear blimp.
the point?
PJ O’Rourke… he left Ohio, didn’t he?
I thought Ohionoonanies spoke French because Ohio was in Canada…I’m sad to hear that they actually are French.
Chrissie Hynde is also from Ohio.
Ohio’s state motto: “You’ll swear you’re in Indiana. Or is it West Virginia?”
Or maybe, “Hey, we’re a state too.”
It’s an interesting place – sort of like if a state were an accountant or accuary or middle management type.
And finally; ‘i went to Ohio State and the phrase is “once a buckeye always a buckeye”.’
Proving conclusively that “buckeye” is a synonym for “loser.” Go Blue (you knew it was only a matter or time.)
DAMN YOU JOHNNY!!! How dare you suggest that we are either Canadians or French? The state of Ohio has just officially declared WAAAAAAR on you… by the way, do you have any tanks or submarines we could buy from you?
Hey I’m from Ohio! And so were many of our presidents. We’re not owned by France and we are not the enemy. Paul Krog, don’t buy into the lies your liberal professors are feeding you about Ohio!!! Except for the corn. It’s true we are completely surrounded by corn.
http://www.50states.com/facts/ohio_if.htm
I go to school in Ohio and we are no more French here than in Florida. So there.
Ohio-
Easily the largest amount of smorgasbord restaurants of any state in the union.
As such, the largest population of stretch pants wearers of any state I’ve witnessed.
Good points-
Devo is from Akron, P.J. O’Rourke emanated from somewhere in that state, and of course Jamal Farouk. Also, you got the endless tragicomedy that is Pete Rose starting in Cincy, and don’t forget they have great tramplings at rock concerts.
Believe the unofficial state motto is “Burn on, Mighty Cuyahoga! Burn as a beacon of freedom and fluorocarbons for all brave men everywhere!”
I go to school in Ohio too…and hey, we’re not so bad!!! We have rollercoasters and Drew Carey, and uh Cleveland, and Lake Erie and great weather (!) and ummmm…did I mention Drew Carey?
Just drove back from Ohio to Maryland… There was a incredible amount of roadkill there. ^_^
Was Callahan auto parts in Ohio, or was that some other state.
Richard:
Remember Tommy we don’t take no…
Tommy:
We dont take no… NO SHIT FROM NO ONE.
…
you can stick your head up a butcher’s ass to get a good look at a steak but wouldnt you rather take the bull’s word for it.
Dammit it.
No, the offical state motto is “Four Dead In”
ironically enough, a buckeye is a peanut butter ball dipped in chocolate. they are actually quite delectable
If you write hi, most people think you’re spelling “shit” instead of “Ohio.”
Having lived in the Buckeye State all my life, I feel that I know much about Ohio. Like our seasons:
Almost winter
Winter
Still winterRoad construction
That last one is when our beautiful state flower, the Orange Barrel comes out in full bloom all over the state.
Schools use the Kangaroo as a mascot because it can only go forwards, not backwards. (Obviously, the kangaroo was not designed by the French.)
“As long as the first sounds are Oh.”
So the guy in Office Space, putting on his “Oh Face” was really just saying he was from Ohio?
Another thing to commend Ohio: the best rock band in the Midwest– Guided by Voices.
Someone please tell Bush that on his next trip to Ohio that ‘saurkraut balls’ are a food item, not something you’ll find in THK’s purse.
According to my research, people from Ohio are in fact called Ohoompa-Loompas.
That explains why Kerry looked so orange for the first debate, he was pandering for the Ohoompa-Loompa vote.
BREAKING NEWS
As you all know, John F’n Kerry is coming tomorrow to speak at Xenia High. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that Vice President Dick Cheney and possibly the big man himself, George Bush are also coming the the weeks to come! This would be most excellent as I hate Kerry with a passion and the best possible way to wash his leftist filth from my swwet town is to have our great leaders here.
I’ve never heard of a wolverine affecting an election. you michigan people are on kerry’s side anyways…don’t even go there michigan people!!!
the poisonous nut always wins by causing those that beat it to self destruct!!!!
down with all who try to take on ohio!!!
For the record, while all of the American plants closed, the Honda Civic plant is still going strong.
Oh, and please do not roll Cleveland and the Cuyahoga “Great Balls of Polluted Fire” River into any description of Ohio. It just ain’t fair.
I married a woman from Ohio. Trust me, that’s not a statement you want to hear coming out of your own mouth.
And every time I drove through Ohio (through is recommended) what wasn’t dug up was on fire.
Craig
Frank, I’m certain that at the moment you must be suffering from some form of monkey induced brain control, so I will forgive your gratuitous insults to my home state. While it’s true Ohio isn’t as exciting as, say, Omaha, we do have some fine restaurants here (Larosas, Montgomery Inn) along with Oprah’s favorite Ice cream (Graeters). We have a theme park with a replica of the Eiffel Tower (only one thirds the size though, but infinitely better as it’s american made).
We have the rock and roll hall of fame, we also have the someday, sure to be legendary story of Pete Rose. Finally, we have the one thing that ensures Ohio a place in the history books.
P.J. O’rourke.
My family moved from The Land of Enchantment to that cold, dark place. Don’t forget, not only did the Cuyahoga burn, but Lake Erie was “dead”. Getting any of that fortified “water” on your skin would have resulted in a sudden bony appearance…Ever wonder where Cleveland’s drinking water came from in those days?
One year, the sky was completely clouded up almost 300 days. People were killing themselves all over the place. It was too difficult to bury them all, so they just started tossing the bodies in the Lake.
The only way to get a little lift without resorting to psychotropics was to take a drive through Parma. There was just something so special about all of those pink flamingos and chrome reflecting balls.
yes mobius, the city in tommy boy is sandusky ohio.
paul krog, i noticed the reference to rutherford hayes’ birthplace/gas station, i just hope that doesn’t mean that “go to school in ohio” = ohio wesleyan. you seem like a nice enough guy, and very few people deserve the pain and suffering of OWU.
when talking about people from ohio, you can’t forget james “maynard” keenan
and lets not forget, OSU did win the championship in one of the greatest games in football history only a few years back. this season isn’t going so well, but i figure we can still continue claiming that for, oh i’d say, at least 5 more years
Waffle King: You don’t know soybeans until you’ve lived in northwest Tennessee… the biggest annual event in my college town (Martin, TN) is the Tennessee Soybean Festival.
Aramm46and2: He does go to OWU (at least for right now. We’re working to remedy that situation). You speak great truth.
Everyone from Ohio who took issue with Paul’s comments: He hasn’t spent much time in southern Ohio, and he’s never been to King’s Island (which kicks serious butt (with the exception of the Eiffel Tower replica)), so he makes his comments having truly experienced only the bad parts of Ohio (read: everything north of Cincy, King’s Island excepted). Also, no one has mentioned Hamilton, which has the best tap water in the country. 🙂
We build Hondas in Ohio. The bad American cars you’ve seen were probably built in Michigan by Union ‘workers’. We all know that the only purpose a labor union serves is to protect the incompetent, is it any wonder they endorse Democrats?
I drove through Ohio once, on my way to Detroit. I remember saying to my wife about halfway through, “Damn this is a lot of corn!”
… and then, “Hey, wakeup! The road is starting to bend left! You don’t wanna miss this!”
But still, it was nicer than Detroit.
“King’s Island” isn’t.
An island, that is.
What are these people thinking??
And yes, it’s better than Detriot.
Hell, anything is better than Detriot.
Ugh.
As for the comment that Ohio took Toledo, it did. That would explain why many Toledoans wish it was still part of Michigan. Yes we got the western part of the UP that helped discover iron/copper and then the auto plants soon came. To be fair, Ohio is an ok state. My problem is with the people who live there. Ohio is not the epicenter of america. Maybe the arm pit.
True Detroit has some work to do. If you know anything about the surronding area of Detorit you would be impressed. Oakland county has some of the highest wealth in the nation. Check it out sometime. But… don’t drive the the D to get to it.
Ok, other than cedar point and kings island, no one takes vacation in Ohio, they drive through it. They do however take vacation in Michigan and Tennessee.