[Ed. Note: IMAO is often charged with being “one-sided” and “anti-terrorist,” so, in the interest of fairness, I’m allowing Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to write a post uninterrupted on my blog to elucidate on what he said in his recent recording released on the internet.]

 People of Iraq, I wish you to know that we have declared war on democracy and all those who seek to enact it. Democracy is based on the right to choose your religion which is against the rule of God and just plain wacky. The interim government is a tool used by the Americans to promote this lie that is called democracy. We must be wary of this plot and not accept oppression of the crusader harlots and the rejectionist pigs. Anyway, did you see what happened in Florida with their so-called democracy with all those people accidentally voting for Buchanan? Surely we do not want that in the holy land? Plus, Crossfire has been on a decline ever since Buchanan left.

 The evil of the crusaders is not just in their democracy, though. The Great Satan comes in other forms, such as Taco Bell. There they give you a choice of what hot sauce, which is like having a choice of your holy book and is against all that is Islam. For instance, one day, I asked for mild sauce (the Koran) for my burrito (religion of Islam), but instead the crusader harlot gave me fire sauce (American evil). I did not notice this until I bit into my burrito, and, much like a corruption of Islam, it stung my tongue and was now inedible to me. Once, the crusader harlot didn’t even ask me what sauce I wanted. I got home and had none for my burrito. Ever think of having Islam without the Koran? Such is a burrito without sauce on it. Plus, all those beans by themselves give you the toots. Even worse, I once found my bill from the so-called Bell of Taco much larger than I expected. It ends up that the imperialist American pigs charge you extra for every single item when you ask to have guacamole. I’m not really sure how that falls into the religion analogy, but surely this is a plot from the crusaders to take all that we have. Furthermore, that green goo doesn’t look like it was ever anywhere near an avocado! For Allah’s sake, they frick’n put the stuff on with a caulking gun!

 Yes, the evil of the American crusaders is everywhere and encroaching on the good land of Iraq. It is a fight every day to stay from their corruption. The other day, I went into Sears to get more of those caps I like wearing, and an imperialist harlot crusader pig sprays me with a fragrance. This is much like how they wish to impose their religious beliefs upon us without our wanting – something that goes against all the teachings of Islam. Plus, it went right in my @$#% eyes! I don’t care if it’s from Calvin Klein! I can’t see, you stupid @$#%! At least ask before you spray me, infidel!

 And don’t get me started on the dog next door! It’s constantly barking and making nonsense noise, much like the infidel Americans, and I can’t concentrate on my terror plots. What in the name of Allah is that stupid imperialist dog dog barking at anyway? And don’t the owners care of the noise? I’d complain to them, but I’m trying to keep a low profile. When we drive the crusaders away from our lands, that dog is so dead!

 So know, faithful followers of the prophet Mohammed, that the corruption of the crusader harlot imperialist dog monkeys with whipped cream and a cherry on top are everywhere and must be fought against. First, though, we must stop the American plot of democracy to corrupt our ways. Then, we will drive out the crusaders once and for all.

 Oh! And did I tell you about the new propane barbecue I bought? It was only my second time using it, and the starter switch wouldn’t light it. Praise Allah, I was smart enough to have a box of matches on me since I know those always break; why do they even bother with them? I don’t know how all that goes against Islam, but can’t you put two and two together yourselves sometimes? Use your imagination!
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is a syndicated terrorist, contributor to the Reuters news service, and frequently posts on Democratic Underground under the name catmandu57. He is also the author of such books as “If You Are Reading This, You Are an Infidel and Must Die!” and “The Beanie Baby Rainy Day Activity Fun Book”.