I hate to seem unsupportive and/or not a team player, but I noticed a lot of people chiming in enthusiastically in favor of Frank J.’s quest to become Overlord.
The thing is, I know something you don’t.
Last year, as part of a mission for the Alliance of Free Blogs to rid the world of the Evil Glenn Reynolds, I borrowed a time machine from my friend Physics Geek, and went back in time to make Glenn not evil.
That part of the mission succeeded.
However, there were… consequences.
In the end (and you can read the whole story here), I managed to undo the damage, but not before I’d glimpsed a horrifying future where Frank J. had become the blogospheric overlord. If you’ve got the nerve, you can face the darkness in the extended entry:
Harv [stepping out of time machine]: That was remarkably simple. I should’ve done that a LONG time ago. Wait… I did… Heh, time travel is really confusing. Anyway, thanks for your help, Geek.
Frank G.: Geek? My name’s not Geek. It’s Frank G. Why did you call me that, Frank H.?
Harv: Frank H.? No, my name is Harv. Why did you call me Frank H.? Look… It says right here on my driver’s license… Frank H. Olson, and… HUH?… Why the HELL is my name Frank H.?
Frank G.: Du-UH! The same reason ALL men are named Frank plus an initial. Frank J., the fearsome, despotic overlord (may his name be praised) of the United States of Frank A., has decreed that all men be named as such.
Frank H.: This is insane! Let me borrow your computer.
Frank G.: Sure. Over here.
Quickly, I Googled (actually Frankoogled) up Frank J.’s home page. It had changed a little from the way I remembered it, as it was now titled “IFAO: Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. Under my power. Unable to disobey on fear of death.” As my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged, I read the first few entries with a growing mixture of disbelief and horror:
“I really hate capitalism. Fascism is much better. Mussolini rocked. Now I will dance the Macarena. HEYYYYY Macarena! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.“
“I just murdered a circus clown. You should have heard him squeal like a pig as the knife went in. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.“
“At 10pm tonight, I will go on TV before the entire nation, where you, my fearful and cowering subjects, will watch, mortified, as I drown a puppy. Bark bark, gurgle gurgle. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.“
Frank H.: Holy Hatless Hannah’s Hershey Bar! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Geek… I mean Frank G…. you’ve got to send me back in time again! I made a terrible mistake, messing in God’s domain. I HAVE put things back the way they were!
Frank G.: No problem, the transference chamber’s still warm. Just step on in.
Frank H.: Good. First, though, I really think I need a beer to calm my nerves…
Frank G.: Beer? What is this… “beer“… you speak of?
Frank H.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Quick! Push the button!
Frank G.: Don’t you mean “quickly”?
Frank H.: WHAT?
Frank G.: Just because you’re in a hurry doesn’t mean you can’t make time for proper grammar.
Frank H.: PUSH THE F****** BUTTON!
Frank G.: What’s the magic word?
Frank H. [a hair’s breadth from murder and enunciating between grinding incisors]: Please.
Frank G.: Much better! A polite and grammatically-correct society is a happy society. Rule #21095 of Frank J.’s Super Happy Lucky Fun Little Red Book Of How Not To Be Summarily Executed By The Secret Police. Bon Voyage, Frank H.!
Really, folks, think this one over.
really?
R U sure ur’e not single FrankJ?
As a brand new reader of IMAO I want to thank you for the warning about Frank J.’s danger as Overlord of the Blogododecahedron. I have to be honest with you, until signing in and seeing this post, I didn’t even know that the positing was open. But as I think about it, it makes sense, the Blogododecahedron needs leadership and organization, and Overlord is a pretty snazzy title. Hmph.
Well, if the top condenders are so dangerous, I have a great idea, I think that I’d better take over as Overlord of the Blogododecahedron starting right now, Bra-ha-ha with my army of Certified International Blog Repair Technicians, victory will soon be mine! Bra-ha-ha-ha! Bra-ha-ha-ha.
{This is Peter’s Mom. It’s time for his nappy now. Sorry for letting him disturb you. Ever since we let him pal up with that funny looking kid who calls himself “The Brain” he’s been acting strange.}
We need a Capt. Willard to take out this Col. Kurtz.
Blog with extreme prejudice.
But that would make sarahk Overlordette of the Blogododecahedron and she would have to do zillions of public appearences (1 for each blog in the Universe) wouldn’t she?
Oh man, I laughed so hard FrankH! But don’t you think that FrankJ would have been onto your plan to redirect time and stopped you? hmmmm?
Frank J,
It appears that Harvey is getting a bit uppity. Shall I rub him out for your Overlordfulness?
“The horror…the horror.” -Fat overrated nut-job actor (may he RIP)
Thanks for the warning Harv. BTW is the time-machine still operational?
Frank J, tell me there would still be beer around….
I fully support a world where Frank J. is head of the Blogododecahedron. Beats what we have now.
–ChrTh, er., Frank C.
You can’t be Frank H. I’m Frank H!
I think in a Frank-dominated Universe, there would be many Frank H.’s, some Frank Q.’s, and an odd Frank X. or Frank Z.
But only one Frank J. All those whose name begins with “J” have to use “Y” or “I”.
As self-appointed overlord of the human race (sad shape that it is in is due to my predecessor who was some kind of Democrat), I fully support your bid for blogo-thingy-overlordship. Whatever I can do to help install more conservative overlords, I am happy to help.
From out of the Alliance archives and into a shiny new space at IMAO.
Harvey, this was one of your best efforts. I still like to refer to myself as Frank G.
What, exactly, is wrong with Frank J. becoming a brutal, tyrannical, fascist Overlord? I mean, that’s what we’re looking for.