Hello Readers,
RightWingDuck of R&W Block here, and if you’re stressing out over the end of tax season, please know that we here at IMAO are here to help you!!
I recently asked you for your tough tax questions. Here are the
answers as I deem fit.
Tax Question:
Dude, I was totally going to get a sweet refund, but now I owe taxes
because extra big taxes on my blogging income for it being my own
business. How do I write “@#$% you!” on an e-check?
Posted by Frank J. at April 14, 2005 08:59 AM
Frank:
This is a common question. Despite my inability to spell very basic
words, I am well versed in the basics of written communication.
Every E-check has a portion available for comments. Now, profanity is
not allowed and is filtered, however, it is allowed to spell out the
profanity.
Try this: AtPoundsignDollarsPercentages You!!
Grammatically speaking, you want to avoid putting the @ at the end of
the sentence.
But don’t be angry about paying taxes, instead, be aware of the fact
that as supreme overlord you can claim thousands of visitors as
dependants. Make sure you get their social security numbers.
Sincerely comma
RWD

Tax Question:
Do these slave children I have in my basement count as dependents? Or
just employees?
Posted by Rikor at April 14, 2005 09:18 AM
Rikor:
This is why you guys are so lucky to have me. You can count them as
employees AND dependents. What’s more, since the basement is obviously
a dedicated work area — it qualifies for a home office deduction.
Woohoo! It pays to be Republican!!
Don’t overlook some of those hidden deductions. I’m not sure if you
feed your slaves or if you let them enjoy Euporia, but that could be a
valid business expense. Also, you can deduct your cable TV especially
if you broadcast Larry King interviews as a form of torture.
Working Cheaply,
RWD
Tax Question:
Can I deduct my dog? Actually, he’s not even mine. We’re not even
related. But the little sucker cost me $700 yesterday for surgery.
And I didn’t even get a.. no we won’t go there… from his owner.
If I strangle her, can I deduct that?
And how about the cost of the rope?
Can I deduct the cost of the DSL service I used to post this?
Enquiring minds want to know.
Please post the answers soon. I can be reached at one of the local
jails. Just inquire.
Posted by Horrabin’s Mistakes at April 14, 2005 09:26 AM
Dear Horrabin:
Dogs have a lot of benefits in the eyes of the government. They can
input computer data, help guide blind people, and lick their privates
for hours on end. If they had government jobs, dogs would be running
the joint.
It’s hard to tell from your question what the purpose of the surgery
was. Was it cosmetic? Was he admitted into a hospital for ‘exhaustion’
and then came out with a cuter tail?
I would not recommend buying rope for strangling. Especially since you
can’t count it towards the 2004 tax year. I am also hard pressed to
condone violence against women. It’s just not funny. Perhaps you could
start a delicious rumor that she had her dog enhanced for reasons of
mutual pleasure? Every time she walks him you and the neighbors can
bark at her or sing the wedding march.
BTW, if you get jailed in Massachusetts, consider a same sex marriage
for 2005. That extra state deductions could put you in a better tax
bracket for next year.
Sincerely Yours, In a platonic way,
RWD
Tax Question:
Why are people happy about getting refunds? I mean the government has
been stealing all that money to begin with… so if i were to get a
refund i would be pissed. how about you ducky?
Posted by AJ at April 14, 2005 10:37 AM
AJ,
They’ve been STEALING it? Those atPoundsignDollarsPercentages! You
know, I THOUGHT I heard something going on downstairs, but I thought
it was the dog logging onto the computer. Oh, well. At least you can
get some of it back. That’s what we call a ‘refund’.
AJ, I’m going to say that you have an unhealthy attitude about this.
This can only lead to resentment. Before you know it, Uncle Sam is
asking, “What’s wrong?” And you’re walking around saying, “Well, if
you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”
I prefer to look at Uncle Sam as a member of my family, I call him
“Tio Sam”. He is the one who holds my extra money throughout the year.
I might end up spending this money on beer or voodoo — or I might end
up wasting it. Thus, the “Tio Sam” savings account. Besides, this way,
“Tio” gets to use my money for things like bullets in Iraq. In a very
small way, I feel like a part of me is killing that terrorist
insurgent — and that gives me the “warm fuzzies.”
Stay mellow,
RWD
Tax Question:
Umm. Ok, I run a small import business that brings in agricultural
commodities from Columbia and Peru. The profits from that business are
funneled through several fine, upscale gentlemens establishments. All
of these are under a single umbrella company. My company is
incorporated in Nevada, from which I get a small salary. I run a
second company in St. Kitts that provides that consulting services to
the first company in Nevada. The Nevada company pays a consulting fee
to the St. Kitts company, which in turn pays a large consultants fee
to me. That fee is deposited into a Panama bank, those funds are
reached by a credit/debit card here in the States, so the money never
enters a US bank. Is there anything else I can do to hide my income
from the IRS?
Posted by JamesT at April 14, 2005 11:29 AM
[RWD Finishes taking notes]. You know, a lot of people shy away from
Nevada corporations. But Nevada is home to many good family
businesses, such as restaurants, juice bars, and brothels. Just
kidding, no self respecting individual would visit a a juice bar.
Nevada is a great place to incorporate (State Motto: “This is none of
your business.”)
James, you have graduated from petty thug to top line “legitimate
businessman”. Although your money has taken a colorful and creative
route to get to you, there are some things you should consider to
maximize your efforts.
You have the makings of a good congressman — although it’s not clear
from you question if you already own one. If not, I recommend you get
one, preferably a late model with low mileage.
You should email us your account numbers and pin codes just to
ensure you have a backup plan. Also, include your social security
number. Frank J needs the dependents.
**
Keep those questions coming. The information never stops here at IMAO!