NARAL (which is not an acronym for a phrase with “abortion” in it) sent me a script to call my Senators with:
Hi, my name is _________ and I’m one of Senator ___________’s constituents. I’m calling to urge the senator to oppose the confirmation of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. I know Roberts has led a distinguished legal career, but he also has a clear record as a legal activist who has advocated for the overturn of Roe v. Wade and has used public positions to further this goal. This is in direct opposition to the position of the vast majority of Americans and Sandra Day O’Connor’s legacy. I ask that the senator oppose any nominee who will not respect my right to personal freedom and personal responsibility.
I’m following this issue closely and will be paying attention to how the senator votes on this issue. Thank you for your time.
I was thinking of actually calling up my Senators and reading that as robotically as possible. Instead, I had a brilliant new idea:
OUTRAGED LETTER TEMPLATE MADLIBS!!!
Okay, everyone list:
1. a name
2. an adjective
3. a plural noun
4. a singular noun
5. an adjective
6. a present-tense verb
7. a plural noun
8. a plural noun
9. a past tense verb
10. a singular noun
11. a singular noun
Got those all written down? (don’t proceed until you do)
Now fill them in this:
Hi, my name is ___1___ and I am very ___2___ about your activities involving ___3___. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own ___4___. Your organization is ___5___ and makes me want to ___6___ you all in your stupid, monkey ___7___. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your ___8___. I’m so disgusted I almost ___9___ on my new ___10___. I hope you all get hit by a ___11___.
Put your results in the comments and then call and read your message to NARAL – (202) 973-3000.
I dare you!
Hi, my name is Hank and I am very purple about your activities involving trees. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own noodle. Your organization is voluptuous and makes me want to cough you all in your stupid, monkey eggs. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your clouds. I’m so disgusted I almost shot on my new bee. I hope you all get hit by a saw blade.
Hi, my name is Hulk Hogan and I am very fruity about your activities involving ducks. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own AC adapter. Your organization is minatory and makes me want to felch you all in your stupid, monkey smokes. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your cakes. I’m so disgusted I almost faltered on my new detritus. I hope you all get hit by a flotsam.
HAHAHAHAHHAA!
Hi, my name is JIM CAREY and I am very WET about your activities involving LIGHTPOSTS. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own POO. Your organization is FLUFFY and makes me want to SQUISH you all in your stupid, monkey LUGNUTS. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your F***TARDS. I’m so disgusted I almost blew on my new BUFFALO. I hope you all get hit by a(n)AXE.
HAHAHAHAHAH!
– MuscleDaddy
Hi, my name is John Kerry and I am very funny about your activities involving tomatos. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own keyboard. Your organization is tall and makes me want to flee you all in your stupid, monkey sycamores. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your ice axes. I’m so disgusted I almost oblivionized on my new church. I hope you all get hit by a fan.
Hi, my name is FLABIO and I am very STUPID about your activities involving GUNS. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own ANUS. Your organization is WEAK and makes me want to STAB you in all your stupid monkey NUTS. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your BRAINS. I’m so disgusted I almost BEAT on my new GOAT MOLESTER. I hope you all get hit by a TERRORIST.
This shizzle is hilarious, yo!
From this web site:
Hi, my name is T-SHIRT BABE and I am very UNFAIR about your activities involving T-SHIRTS. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own PODCAST. Your organization is UNBALANCED and makes me want to UNMEDICATE you all in your stupid, monkey GUN SAFETY TIPS. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your LIBERALS. I’m so disgusted I almost ANNOYED on my new FRANKJ. I hope you all get hit by a SARAHK.
Hi, my name is Tamiqa and I am very flatulent about your recent activities including dogs. Frankly, I hope you eat your own clown. Your organization is reckless and makes me want to stab you all in your stupid, monkey octopi. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your guns. I’m so disgusted I almost smashed on my new rotunda. I hope you all get hit by a space shuttle.
Hi, my name is Dick Durbin and I am very crazy about your activities involving oranges. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own monkey. Your organization is smelly and makes me want to laugh you all in your stupid, monkey coconuts. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your boxes. I’m so disgusted I almost cried on my new bird. I hope you all get hit by a brain.
I . can’t. stop. laughing!
Hi, my name is Aunt Jemima and I am very flatulent about your activities involving waffles. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own tire tool. Your organization is slipperyand makes me want to disembowel you all in your stupid, monkey door knobs. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your rain goloshes . I’m so disgusted I almost melted on my new bacon. I hope you all get hit by a moose pucky.
Hi, my name is Shekky Goldman and I am very Furry about your activities involving Ducks. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own beer. Your organization is pleasane and makes me want to run you all in your stupid, monkey hounds. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your twenty-dollar bills. I’m so disgusted I almost farted on my new computer. I hope you all get hit by a laugh.
Hi, my name is Justin and I am very snarky about your activities involving wombats. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own eraser. Your organization is wonky and makes me want to bite you all in your stupid, monkey monkeys. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your beehives. I’m so disgusted I almost lauded on my new leprechaun. I hope you all get hit by a sopapilla.
First, let me say brilliant idea!
Now on to the madlib.
Hi, my name is Karl Rove and I am very brilliant about your activities involving penguins. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own dog. Your organization is athletic and makes me want to walk you all in your stupid, monkey women. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your children. I’m so disgusted I almost nuked on my new bird. I hope you all get hit by a chicken.
Hi, my name is Raul and I am very flippant about your activities involving mangos. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own necktie. Your organization is strenuous and makes me want to bungee-jump you all in your stupid, monkey asteroids. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your ligaments. I’m so disgusted I almost yodeled on my new spoon. I hope you all get hit by a stapler.
Hi, my name is Tupac Shakur, and I am very marinated about your activities involving telephones. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own paperweight. Your organization is wonderful and makes me want to conjugate you all in your stupid, monkey planets. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your molecules. I’m so disgusted I almost reclined on my new memorial. I hope you all get hit by a cloud.
Hi, my name is Whoopi Goldberg and I am very purple about your activities involving carbunkles. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own buttsteak . Your organization is smelly and makes me want to fondle you all in your stupid, monkey robots. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your boy bands. I’m so disgusted I almost defenestrated on my new stapler. I hope you all get hit by a magic marker.
Hi, my name is Bob and I am very tasty about your activities involving ronin. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own lantern. Your organization is explosive and makes me want to eat you all in your stupid, monkey cars. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your lighting rods. I’m so disgusted I almost poofed on my new radio. I hope you all get hit by a fire.
Hi my name is Han Solo and I am very sexy about your activities involving wookies. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own ewok. Your organization is furry and makes me want to shoot you all in your stupid monkey robots. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your storm troopers. I’m so disgusted I almost light sabered on my new jedi. I hope you all get hit by a death star.
“hi, my name is Sir Elton John and I am very stupid about your activities involving horses. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own chimichanga. Your organization is smelly and makes me want to gesticulate you all in your stupid, monkey ostriches. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is jsut a ploy to raise money to pay for your wombats. I’m so disgusted I almost masticated on my new poleaxe. I hope you all get hit by a platypus.”
this is my friend’s:
Hi, my name is THE SHATTERER OF WORLDS and I am very androgynous about your activities involving over-priced water bottles. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own lute. Your organization is anti-personnel and makes me want to coagulate you all in your stupid, monkey fleas. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your quadruple bypass surgeries. I’m so disgusted I almost fornicated on my new carpet. I hope you all get hit by a xylophone.
Hi, my name is Bill Braskey and I am very sleepy about your activities involving dvds. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own Winnebago. Your organization is homely and makes me want to dive you all in your stupid, monkey monkeys. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your testicles. I’m so disgusted I almost exploded on my new dog. I hope you all get hit by a condom.
Hi, my name is Rusty Shackelford and I am very Grape-Flavored about your activities involving tapeworms. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own skidmark. Your organization is Scrumtrulescent and makes me want to pee you all in your stupid, monkey Bunnies. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your Moose. I’m so disgusted I almost excommunicated on my new Moose. I hope you all get hit by a Galaxy
Hi, my name is Mr. T and I am very colorful about your activities involving buildings. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own tree. Your organization is nice and makes me want to run you all in your stupid, monkey peas. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your ferns. I’m so disgusted I almost sank on my new airplane. I hope you all get hit by a spaceship.
Hi, my name is “Emo Philips” and I am very “sparkly” about your activities involving “corn”. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own “feet”. Your organization is “dorky” and makes me want to “decapitate” you all in your stupid, monkey “costumes”. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your “botox injections”. I’m so disgusted I almost “sneezed” on my new “gerbil”. I hope you all get hit by a “gas truck”.
Hi, my name is Damian G. and I am very s****y about your activities involving liberals. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own c**k. Your organization is fugly and makes me want to kill you all in your stupid, monkey brains. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your morons. I’m so disgusted I almost screwed on my new spacemonkey. I hope you all get hit by an idiot.
Hi, my name is WINKIE, THE MAGIC DOG/MULE/HAIR CATCHER and I am very YELLOW about your activities involving WALRUSES. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own DEATH. Your organization is GAY and makes me want to HUMP you all in your stupid, monkey BODIES. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your DIRIGIBLES. I’m so disgusted I almost BLEW on my new TRAMPOLINE. I hope you all get hit by a DEMOCRAT.
Just for the record, I don’t actually want to hump any gay organizations in their stupid, monkey bodies. FrankJ tricked me into saying that.
It’s the fun and easy way to be a partisan activist!
Hi, my name is Shaver Dailey, and I am very gooey about your activities involving nuns. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own fluid. Your organization is inflamed and makes me want to seethe you all in your stupid monkey viruses. I know your “outrage” over John Roberts is a ploy to raise money to pay for your pornographic video games. I’m so disgusted I almost farted on my new vomit. I hope you all get hit by a moustache.
…By a moustache, indeed. I’m especially pleased about the line involving pornographic video games. Check me out, I’m speaking truth to power, dude!