RightWingDuck is having trouble logging in, so I’m putting up this post for him. That’s means I get all the credit – Me! Frank J.! You love me now!
So here’s the stupid post…
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Dr. Duck has the answers that can make you wiser. Or at least older. 4 minutes older if you’re an average reader.
But enough about that. The IMAO readers recently posted questions asking advice from me, Dr. Duck. Given my plethora of knowledge, I thought it would be fair to help out as many people as I could.
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Dear Dr. Duck:
1. Since you were hatched in the USA and therefore a citizen fowl, what would you do regarding your lawbreaking fellow Mexican if you were in charge of the ICE (Imm & Custom Enforcement)?
2. Why do I always have to go to the bathroom a lot and immediately after eating at Taco Bell?
3. Donald Duck is not wearing pants at all. I’m afraid to ask, but curious: do you wear pants at all? Please do not post picture.
Posted by: rightwingimmigrant
Interesting question. You know, the last party we had, my wife put my in charge of the ICE. She was very proud of the way I carried out my task. Next party, I might be put in charge of ICE and CUPS.
1. If I ran ICE, the government agency, I would make sure that I focused on the things that really make a difference in the lives of Americans. I’d get a big office. Ooooh ooo, and a computer, with internet access, and I’d try to see if I could fit one of those mini fridges in the corner. yeah, that would be totally cool.
2. Taco Bell has great food. Value meals to avoid are the #5 Enchurrito meal and the #10 Montezuma’s Revenge.
3. Of course, I wear the pants!! Because my wife said I could.
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Did you answer the last batch of questions? Did I miss it?
Posted by: slapout on May 3, 2006 03:27 PM
Unfortunately, along with my extremely tight schedule, I also have an extremely short attention span. Thankfully, so do the IMAO readers. I never posted answers to Ask Editor Duck. I also never posted the next segment to The Code of the Da Vinci Code, or P is for Payback. Trust me, they all would have been funny.
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Dear Dr. duck,
Tomorrow is my last final exam, after which I will be free to work all summer long!!!!! Other than spending more time at work than I want to, what else am I going to do during these long hot months some refer to as “summer”?
Also, if I were to say… attempt to take over the world, where would the best place to start? South America? Asia? Africa?????? Or should I just do a classic “become legitimate ruler of powerful nation and slowly expand personal powers ultimately leading to the destruction of democracy forever”? I am also curious if I could find some dark jedi to be my personal “goons” for this overthrow. Know where any are hiding that are in need of a soon to be world leader to command them?
Posted by: MDA
MDA,
Summer, or as liberals call it, the Global Warming season, brings with it the opportunity to get it away from it all and take some time for yourself. There is nothing better than trying to take over the world. I recommend starting in France. It’s easy work and the food is good. The smell is weird, but you’re used to an American university.
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Why are you teasing us with threads promising to answer our questions, then leaving us high and dry?
What? were you planning to answer the last batch on may first, but contracted out the job to undocumented workers from Canada?
Posted by: shane on May 3, 2006 04:15 PM
Shane, Shane, Shane.
I get real busy around here at IMAO. Between bathing in oil and drowning puppies (I enjoy a life of leisure) how can I be expected to keep up with things? I like Canadians, some of my best friends, Carlos, Miguel, and Carlos Miguel, are from Canada. Or at least, their passports are.
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Dr. Duck, I’m a bit concerned because I haven’t received my shipment of stolen Iraqi oil yet. It’s been nearly three months since the last shipment and they used to come regular as clockwork. Without my precious Iraqi oil, how will I bathe or drown puppies, schoolchildren and old people? Can you tell me if you have any idea why I haven’t gotten it yet? Are the good times over?
Posted by: The Apologist
WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING!! THAT I TOOK YOUR PRECIOUS OIL?
Just kidding. Maybe the good times are coming to an end. All good things end. Nothing lasts forever.
P.S. Do you have any more precious oil?
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Is it normal that I can’t even muster up the curiosity to watch cBS news with Katrina Couric?
Posted by: Ricky
No, it’s not normal. I believe you might require lots of therapy. Normal people are supposed to “rubber neck” at the scene of a horrible accident.
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Follow up question to Ricky’s question: is it just me, or does the lady in the ad for conservativematch.com that displays on the right sidebar not look like Mrs Couric? if so, why is she screaming? and why would this make anyone want to risk using their service?
Posted by: shane
Shane,
I believe you are the victim of an active imagination. It’s a sign that you’re going crazy and may need lots of good, quality, expensive Duck counseling. Does she really look like Katie Couric to you?
Be honest, look at the top of this web page at the logo of our heart and flowers. It’s right above the tag phrase, Understanding, Sharing, and Caring.
Tell me. What do YOU see?
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Dear Dr. Duck, I was recently out clodhopping near the pond when I saw you and the V.P. waterfowl hunting.Suddenly Cheney shouted “duck”, and I dove for cover.What happened?
Posted by: DohXs
I think you got hit. Sorry, I can neither confirm nor deny it for sure. For the record, he said DUCK, not DOVE. Why did you DOVE? You DOVED when you should have DUCKED.
Silly, rabbit.
P.S. Say hello to Clod for me.
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Dear Dr. Duck,
First, I’d like to thank you for answering my last query, even though it didn’t help me one bit.
My questions are:
1) The French and German club at the community college I attend hosts a luncheon at TGI Fridays at the end of every semester for all French and German students (don’t ask me why they share a club). At said luncheon, all out food is free, even if we were to order 2 main courses – as my classmate Reinhardt did today. However, we students must pay our own bar tabs. Question number 1 is, why can’t the Frog/Kraut club just take us to the corner pub, get us plastered, and forget the food?
2) I’ve heard before that the book “Atlas Shrugged” is very difficult to read, that it’s long and boring. I just bought it Monday, and I’ve been reading it in my spare time. I’ve gotten through about the first 150 pages, and I’ve not found it to be boring AT ALL. Question 2 is, does it get boring, or are the naysayers pinko commies who just don’t get it?
Posted by: Ursine_East_Facing_North
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That’s why I’m here. I’m always glad to answer your questions and not help one little bit.
The French Club and German Club, in my opinion should do everything together. Especially drinking. This way, the Germans would get out of control, try to purify the bar, kick the Frenchies butt, and .. hey, this is a great idea for a screen play.
As far as Atlas Shrugged I had never read it. So I went down to the local Border’s bookstore (as a Republican, I’m a firm believer in Borders) and looked at it. Unfortunately, the Atlas Shrugged was right next to The Girls of Maxim. Those girls are beautiful. I didn’t read the book but the cover shows a big strong guy holding a planet. So, I guess it’s a good thing, but it could use a girl lying on top of the planet while wearing a bikini. I didn’t look inside but assume it also has lots of scanity clad people and “really heavy thoughts.”
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This question is from my kids, and there is one follow-up.
Does God poop?
If so, what are meteors?
Posted by: Wacky Hermit
Wacky, if I had a nickel for every time a patient asked me that– God does poop, although as he ages, he’s not as regular as he used to be.
Technically speaking, meteors are God Boogers.
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he;lp I hsave supergluedh myyt fimngers togetherfs asnd my backlspace key is breoken. itrs harrd to tyupe, whsat shoulds I dos?
Posted by: Brian The Adequate
If you can’t type, perhaps you should consider Podcasting. We used to podcast. It was a lot of fun.
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Dr. Duck,
I was shot in the leg about a month ago and I didn’t think it was that bad. Heavy drinking and stuff like that kept the pain down. Now it is starting to worry me. It’s turning all green and is putting out quite the stench. Should I continue to drink heavily or do you recommend another form of action?
Posted by: AJ
First of all, I apologize for shooting you. But you were “headed right for me.”
Since the drinking helps deaden the pain, then you’re challenge is to try to blend into society With a leg that is both green and smells of rotting flesh you can either move to Ireland or to France.
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Dr. Duck, when I go to a Chinese restaurant, there are always Chinese people working there. When I go for Indian food, there are always people from India working there. When I go to an Italian restaurant, there’s almost always Italians working there. Yet, I’ve never seen a Mexican working at Taco Bell. What does this mean?
Posted by: Son of Bob
It means you don’t live in California. Here, Mexicans make my sushi, my Italian food, and my Chinese.
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That’s all folks. I hope that once again you have emerged from our session together just a bit wiser.