HOLLYWOOD (AP) – United Artists has announced that they are currently filming a sequel to the war movie classic Red Dawn, which will be released in 2009, on the 25th anniversary of the original.
 |
The new movie will be based on several true stories, none of which are connected in real life. In “Red Dawn 2: Beaten By Toys”, a brigade of Chinese Communists will – under the guise of carrying an Olympic torch – rampage through America, conquering city after city with no resistance using only objects which have been banned in American school systems. For example:
* A real WWII grenade with no explosive charge or detonator.
* A butter knife.
* Overly sugared Kool-Aid mix.
* A beeper.
* A Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.
* A squirt gun.
* A pen with the Glock logo.
* Jolt Gum.
* Nails.
* Non-alcoholic jello shots.
* Mouthwash.
* A drawing of a gun.
* A Sharpie marker.
* A ham sandwich.
* Snowballs.
* An emergency roadside kit.
* Midol.
* A pointed finger combined with the word “bam”.
UA publicist Dennis Rice is enthusiastic about the upcoming release. “First, we’re thrilled that we can bring the sort of ‘ripped from the headlines’ relevance that America expects from its movies. Second, it’s a well-deserved fart in the face to the greatest nation on earth, and it’s sort of our way of thanking America for letting us make a living by biting the hand that feeds us.”
“While it’s true,” admitted Rice, “that these sort of movies haven’t been doing well lately, we prefer to look at the numbers and think ‘Hey! We’re WAY overdue for a winner!'”
How come I can’t get to my typekey acct. from here. This sucks. But on a happier note, my computer likes coffee as it didn’t crash from major spewage after reading “well-deserved fart in the face to the greatest nation on earth”. You are too funny Harvey. Of course a fart in the face can cause the offended to nuke your silly little Hollyweird town.
Asian chicks are sooo hot.
Brilliant as always. Sadly, two of the links don’t work properly, though. The ones for Jolt gum and the squirtgun. Just saying.
Anyone who doesn’t give this 5 stars is probably a communist Chinese national.
Or one of James’ “Obamunists.”
Peeps – sorry about the bad links. Fixed now.
You forgot perhaps the most dangerous of all: Skittles.
Man, reading all those stories is almost more stupidity than I can take. It makes me want to take a 2×4 and beat some sense into those moron principals and administrators. I’m thankful my school district didn’t have any really retarded rules like those when I went to school.
You schmuck, you had me fooled for the first half of the headline. Plus you got my hopes up. I keep trying to commit suicide with my finger gun, but I guess they don’t make ’em like they used to in the old U.S.
It would seem that the public schools have a zero tolerance policy where rationale is concerned. Oh well; tax dollars at work & all that.
The best way to get around this stupidity is, if you’re a parent, to really start pushing school vouchers in your area. Maybe a little free-market competition will jar some common sense loose within the socialist union education system.
What’s really sad? The chances of Harvey’s story coming true are higher than we care to admit.
Those blue-shirted, Chinese para-military security guards “escorting” the Olympic torch actually thought they had the authority to violently defend it in our country. The IOC and city of San Francisco (and elsewhere) apparently did, too. I wonder if our State Department agreed to it? If so, who approved it? Because if Condi Rice did, she’s a complete JERK.
“* A pen with the Glock logo.”
Which is why I wear as much gun logo gear as I can, whenever I can.
Harvey, I don’t think you quite understand the devastating impact that handguns can have on our schoolchildren. Imagine, if you will, a world in which anyone can point a finger at you, make a gun-like sound, and then declare you dead! It would be anarchy!
The mother of the boy with the Swimsuit issue is someone I went to school with lol.
I have to stop reading/listening to these news items. Every time I see/hear one, I just want to drive to the school and sock the damn superintendent in the face. I feel sure that my kids (2 years, and 1 month) will never be able to go to public school for fear of this horse shit ruining their lives, but it looks pretty certain that I’ll be paying for it whether I use it or not.
Dammit Harvey! I was all excited for a second.
If every church would start their own school the public school system would collapse and good ridence. Let the kiddies study home-schooling course material in the pews with a few parents present to watch over them. They’d learn more, they’d avoid a tidal wave of daily propaganda, and I’m almost certain the rate of robbery, murder and rape would diminish. That last depends on what kind of church you attend.
#17-
If every community could do that, with just a little oversight & minimal intervention from third party sources, we’d see the U.S. rise to an economic & education level never seen before; local ideas and mores competing with preconceived notions of what’s best: Hmm… Y0U decide what you want your kids to be exposed to…screw teacher’s unions, TV & mass market ideas.
Parents need to be intrinsically involved with the education of their own children… if that means the big F**K You to the public school system, then so be it. Leaving it up to the state… well, we can all see what happens there.
OK i don’t have kids…but I used to be one…OMG I would’ve been in jail by 5th grade for some of this stuff…as the one site pointed out: MIMEO pages…those things were sniff worthy…Sharpies, sorry it takes more than 1 pen to get you high. What about white-out?
I would’ve beens suspended for drawing (art) guns…frequently even as a female.
We in NY have snow frequently in the wintertime, not having to import it, and I still see daily snowball fights during the days locally…thankfully not all schools have adopted the 150% idiot/zero tolerance policies.
Though I like the statement in the snowball article that sums up most of these zero tolerance policies:””Anything that could cause injury, or could cause a student to get upset and instigate a fight, or damage students’ personal property is just inappropriate behavior.””
Think about this for a moment..ANYTHING that could cause a student to get upset. UM other students perfume, ugly clothing, a teacher refusing to call on the smart kid who always raises their hand, the price of milk in the lunch room going up, any and all homework & tests…therefore all of these things should be outlawed and or punished under the zero tolerance policies…right??