So Jon Huntsman has joined the presidential race, and people are very excited for aware of his campaign. Anyway, Huntsman will be the perfect candidate for people who… are an immediate relative of Huntsman and would like to show support for him. I just don’t get his candidacy, but the press is very excited.
Anyway, I had my crack research staff find out what they could about Huntsman, and here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN
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Hmm… maybe fun facts was aiming a little too high. Maybe I should have just gone for “FACTS ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN”. Well, his name is spelled “Jon” instead of the more traditional “John”. I’m not sure how that happened. Guess you could ask his parents. If you cared.
Facts about Jon Hunstman: He’s Jon Huntsman, but without the pretentious arrogance. The misspelling proves he’s laid back and at ease with common folks.
If Jon Huntsman were being played by Chuck Norris, he’d be called Jon KILLSman.
Here’s a real fun fact: Harry Reid endorsed Huntsman for the Republican nomination! He must hate Huntsman very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much.
Jon Huntsman: The Democrats’ Choice!
Jon Huntsman: Shifting the definition of RINO even further to the left.
Jon Huntsman: Making Lindsey Grahm and John McCain look like stallwart, principled conservatives.
Jon Huntsman: Because what the Republican primary really needed was someone to outflank Romney from the left.
Jon Huntsman: If you thought T-Paw was boring, wait til you see this guy.
Jon Huntsman’s Famous Quotes:
“I come from a long line of saloon keepers and proselytizers, and I draw from both sides.”
“First and foremost I want to make sure people are taken care of. We’ll find the money to cover them; I want to make sure they’re taken care of.”
“We’ll worry about the budget later.”
“Sometimes, I’m tempted to run downstairs in my robe, … But it’s always a good idea to be dressed before walking out of the family’s apartment.”
“There’s a simple reason our party is nowhere near being a national governing party,” Weaver told Esquire. “No one wants to be around a bunch of cranks.” (Or you, Mr. Huntsman. Bwahahahahahah!)
“Jon” One of the few politicians on either side of the fence who can make obama look cool again. Ask Axelrod.
FunFacts about JON HUNTSMAN:* Approves of the job Barak Obama is doing but still thinks the country is headed in the wrong direction.
* Well, maybe not in the wrong direction but just taking too damn long.
* Does not believe that attacks upon your
liberalopponent is necessary in politics…no matter what those bunch of Tea Party cranks say!* Wears his left shoe on his right foot and vice-versa.
* Is so moderate that his wife occasionally has to hold a mirror under his nose to make sure he’s still breathing.
* Has always had strong convictions on ____________________________ (fill in blank and make campaign contribution).
* Believes that the “little” guys need to be taken care of no matter how much it will cost you.
* In a battle between Jon Huntsman and Jon Aquaman, Huntsman would be so adverse to attacking his opponent that Aquaman could actually stand a chance of kicking his ass.
…and the number 1
FunFact about JON HUNTSMAN…..* Has never tweeted a picture of his junk either privately or en-masse.
Jon Huntsman’s campaign strategy is to rely mainly on name recognition; he’s hoping people will vote ‘Huntsman’ thinking he’s Sarah Palin.
Jon Huntsman’s way of waging war in Afghanistan would be even more weak-willed and politically dominated than Barack Obama’s.
Oh, who am I kidding, no it’s not.
Jon Huntsman: “When you have no idea how you ended up in the voting booth in the first place and just need to pick a name and get out of there he’s … another name you can choose.”
Too long?
Jon Huntsman: “You can vote for McCain again!”
Jon Huntsman: “Maybe Harry Reid was bluffing when he endorsed him.”
– Jon Huntsman: Recommended by 4 out of 5 liberals who chew gum
– Jon Huntsman: Earned Obama Seal of Approval 3 years running
– Jon Huntsman: The Obamanian Candidate
– John Huntsman: Liberaller that you, and a better speller to boot!
– Jon Huntsman: Ask him for the time, and he’ll ask for your watch
– Jon Huntsman: Romney’s stalking horse
– Jon Huntsman: Proving that one should never say that it can’t get worse
Some absolutely true facts about Jon Huntsman:
He dropped out of high school. His daddy was filthy rich and Jonny figured he didn’t need no stinkin’ education.
He actually started a band called Wizards after dropping out of high school.
He is a not-too-distant relative of … get ready for it… Mitt Romney. They’re second cousins or something like that.
He holds the world record for “Least Backbone Among Vertebrate Animals”.
He would still kick the ever loving crap out of Obama in a fist fight.
I might have made one of those up.
Hmmmmm…which one?
* He likes monkeys, wants to de-militarize all dinosaurs, and wants to declare the moon a “Nuclear-Free” zone.
Huntsman:
SurprisinglyWasn’t blasted by lightning when he compared himself to Reagan.Huntsman: The perfect candidate for those uncomfortable with Romney’s principled conservatism
Huntsman: Ummmmm, who?
Huntsman: Makes TPaw look like a TRex!
Huntsman: Will look good with Michelle Bachmann’s very cute heel planted in his nads during the next debate!
Huntsman: Will look good as a Huntsman with Sarah Palin when she invites him to a Snipe Hunt in Alaska and he’s never heard from again!
Huntsman: Makes Mitt Romney…um…look like Mitt Romney a liberal RINO puke!
His first name used to be Mike but he changed it.
I can’t think of anything less manly than being a stalking horse for Mitt Romney.
Fun Fact:
He was born John Untsman, but he decided to move the “h,” and pass the savings on to you!
Say what you want, if he’ll promise to fire Janet Napolitano and Eric Holder he’s got my vote.
Since he is a Mormon, I guess we can all assume he is wearing magic underwear, but won’t be taking pictures of it with his cell phone.
jon huntsman — romney light
jon huntsman — not quite as marxist as obama but he’s trying
jon huntsman — the result of janet reno and bill clinton’s oval office romp.
Hey, if the Democrats keep running as Republicans, can Republicans start running as Democrats?
If so, I can name a few I’d like to offer…
Another Mormon! I see a pattern here and I don’t like it one bit Mister!!! I’m not wearing magic underwear no matter who tells me I have to!!!
Wanted to be John Anderson when he grew up.
Jams out to Perry Como.
Used to be a child model; inspired the Pet Rock.
Spices up his food with a dash of vanilla. (Careful! Let’s not go crazy with it.)
Spent an entire summer sitting on a fence.
Is secretly a Transformer. He turns into a glass of milk.
Was attacked by a vampire. It starved to death.
Has a superfluous third freckle.
Seeks HIGH PRAISE.
Currently considering slogan “Huntsman, a nice choice for President”
He’s the perfect choice for all those conservatives to think that Republicans are just too “republicany” to vote for them
He’d certainly slow down the breakneck pace at which we’re currently headed into ouright socialism so the American people can have more time to get comfortable with the idea.
He’s allow Biden to keep his job as Vice President.
He was voted “most likely to elicit a shrug when his name is mentioned” in his high school yearbook proving his ability to win elections.
Huntsman believes McCain didn’t win because he wasn’t bland enough.
Huntsman believes in human-caused Global Warming
Huntsman believes that it’s not socialism that’s bad, but how the Democrats would implement it that’s the problem.
Liberals can say “Jon Huntsman” without instantly bursting into flames or going into a mouthfoaming rage.
He has a cat named Garfield that eats lasagna. Together, they have a dynamic that most readers of Sunday comics would regard as “mildly inoffensive”
He has the same target demographic as CBS primetime.
He enjoyed the Star Wars prequels more than the original trilogy. Also, Empire makes him uncomfortable.
He thinks the Obama administration is actually afraid of him.
No matter what kind of camera you use to take a picture of him, it always comes out grayscale.
The liberal media hasn’t been this excited about a Republican candidate since McCain announced he’s running for President.
He once had a VERY heated argument over the proper pronunciation of “potato” – in fact he came very close to telling the other person they were wrong.