Archive of entries posted on 23rd November 2011

Nuke the News: Huntsman Surge(?), Obama Devil Worshiper, and Turkey Threat

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* Hey, there is a story about me and my book in Politico (including some clips from the Michael Medved Show). Read it and pass it around since it’s important news.

BTW, I’m going to be interviewed by Glenn Reynolds today for his PJTV show. That’s right: Frank J. and the puppy blender head to head for the first time!

* So the Republicans had their 832nd debate on CNN last night. It was actually pretty good without anything too significant happening, though. Probably most of note was how Gingrich went all amnesty when talking about illegal aliens, but didn’t step in it as much as Perry. Also, Huntman finally sounded pretty decent on a few issues and now he’s surged to third on Intrade. The guy has a pretty good resume, he just doesn’t seem to like Republicans or know how to talk to them. But maybe he’s figuring it out. He’s Mormon like Mitt Romney, but still isn’t Mitt Romney so he has that going for him.

I think all the candidates have done enough talking by now. When is the physical challenge?

* Obama says his religious faith gives him hope that Republicans will raise taxes. Man, we’ve heard all these Muslim rumors about him, but it ends up the dude is a devil worshiper!

Notice with all the plagues God inflicted on Egypt, even He didn’t raise their taxes.

* Obama told Occupy protesters that “You are the reason I ran for office.” So Obama ran so that smelly, violent hippies could block people from work for incoherent reasons while pooping on each other. Some thought Obama was a sleeper Muslim terrorist out to destroy our country, but terrorists just aren’t that creative.

* The DHS has issued a warning about deep frying turkeys. Deep frying a whole turkey is pretty dangerous. I think it’s estimated that when you deep fry a turkey, you have about a one in three chance of burning down your house and maybe about a one in six chance of destroying everyone you love or care about. So well worth the risk if you’ve ever tasted it.

* Ominous news for Obama at Cafepress: Sales of anti-Obama merchandise outpace pro-Obama merchandise 79% to 21%. Also, sales of ebooks making fun of him are up a startling amount.

Maybe Obama just needs better merchandise. I know: The Official Obama 2012 Turkey Deep Fryer!

* Wisdom of the Day: “Just because I have a windowless van does not mean I’m a child predator. It’s just a horrible coincidence.” –senderblock23

* Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I have a lot to be thankful for lately, and am quite thankful for all the support of you loyal IMAO readers. You guys are the best!

Random Thoughts

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Obama has religious faith that taxes will be raised? I’ve heard Muslim rumors about him, but never devil worshipper.

So is the root of all evil the Koch brothers or Grover Norquist? Liberalism isn’t nuanced enough to have two Satans at a time.

Deep fried turkeys are awesome, but you have about a 1 in 3 chance of burning down your house.

Question for debate: “Are deep fried turkeys worth the risk?” Anyone who answers no should be immediately escorted to Canada.

When weighing the risks of deep frying a turkey, remember that your house is insured.

“Sit down and close your eyes; I have a surprise for you. Now open them.” -cop about to pepper spray a protester

“Why did you pepper spray him?”
“Because he said, ‘Don’t taze me, bro!'”

I just can’t believe those protesters braved pepper spray for their cause of… what are they trying to achieve again?

It’s a shame what’s happened to the Republicans; Lincoln wouldn’t be elected by today’s GOP. Because he’s too racist.

Didn’t know there is children’s NyQuil. Slogan: “Shut them up so you can get some sleep.”

Interesting idea for Republican debate: Out on stage sits a hippie. Near him, a can of pepper spray. And then we see what happens.

Who is Ron Paul? Will someone from the internet tell me about Ron Paul?

I don’t know who I’d pick if I had a choice between Willard and Mitt.

My thought on Huntsman: How can a man fix this country if he can’t even control his own eyebrows?

My solution for the Patriot Act is to rename it something less Orwellian.

“I’m David Koch from the Koch Foundation. My question: Will you do my bidding?”

“We’ve taken out Al Qaeda and now need to take on the new threat, Ed Qaeda.”

What’s the difference between being a commander and being a chief?

Isn’t anyone going to point out the main problem with the Middle East: Too many Muslims! Like way more than we have here! Also, not enough Jews.

So are we ever going to have a Republican debate without the sideshows? When do people get voted off the island?

Did they test each audience member to make sure they’re real Republicans? Like make them pepper spray a hippie before they can come in?

“I will use any excuse whatsoever to attack Iran.”

Hermain Cain: “Well, if they don’t have nukes yet, can’t we just nuke them ourselves and get away with it or am I missing something?”

CW seems to be that Republicans sound dumb, Democrats are dumb.

We could intimidate Iran by making a new more powerful nuke: The Triple Nuke. Three nukes tied together.

Why don’t they just refer to Obama as “the useless twerp.” Is that not considered respectful or something?

As I said before, we need to send out letters to all five year olds informing them not to expect Social Security and Medicare.

Ron Paul: “And I will exile Coke and Pepsi to end the cola wars.”

Ron Paul: “Let’s face it: Kids love heroin.”

I’m a little biased on the deportation issue since my company manufactures the Mexi-cannon™.

Won’t anyone just come out and say, “I want a permanent underclass who will do my yard work cheaply”?

Magnets on the border sounds like part of some cruel new fence scheme by Herman Cain.

Here’s my compromise: Amnesty, but we get rid of all entitlements so we don’t have to worry about anyone costing us anything.

I’d drink a bottle of water labeled “Persian Spring” but not “Arab Spring”.

Wait, how did we defeat the Ottoman Empire? Can we use that on Iran?

Ron Paul plans to crash the moon into America in “Hide Country Under Giant Rock” strategy.

Ron Paul: “And when we invaded the moon, did we ever think about how we were inviting the wrath of the moon men?”

They really didn’t ask enough questions in the debate about up and coming political humor authors.

Children are so stupid. Buttercup uses the word “ball” for any sphere, whether it’s meant to be a ball or not. I really should have taught her “sphere” first so she’d embarrass me less.

Taught her the dog’s name is Rowdi, so she call all animals “Rowie”. With next kid, I’ll say of the dog, “This is a mammal.” Right now, she points at a koala and says, “Rowie!” Next will point and say, “Mammal!” and look like a genius.

Only teach babies general terms so they won’t misapply them. Don’t teach “square”, “circle”, “triangle”; teach “two dimensional object”.

America’s greatest threat

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What’s the greatest threat facing America today?

Turkey.

Not the country, the bird. And not just the bird, but the dead bird.

The Department of Homeland Security tweeted on Monday how dangerous it can be to fry a turkey.

And, in case you thought that someone left their computer unlocked and somebody tweeted it as a joke, they also put up a blog post about it.

The Department of Homeland Security, that great arm of Big Brother, knows that Islamic terrorists aren’t so much of a threat. Sure, they want to kill us, but that’s our fault. Just ask Ron Paul.

After flirting with the idea that right wingers were a threat — not because of things they’ve done, but because there’s the possibility that some right-winger might do something… Left-wing violence was never an issue. Sure, they’ve been shooting Congresswomen and crashing planes into buildings and raping hippies, but that’s actual violence. The real threat has always been potential violence. Since the left has actual violence, and the right has potential violence, the right must be a bigger threat.

Until now.

As DHS has so kindly informed us, the real threat is dead turkeys. They’re evil. So evil, that after they’re dead and frozen, they’ll still try to burn down your house.

So, as we approach Thanksgiving, be thankful that we have a government department that wants to protect us from turkeys.

Now, if we can only find someone to protect us from the turkeys at DHS.

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