Archive of entries posted on May 2012

Alternatives to Reading Dreams From My Father: I’d Rather…

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Recently I suggested in an offhand manner that people should read Bill Ayers’ biography Barack Obama’s autobiography, “Dreams From My Father”.

This suggestion has been met with varying degrees of disgust and revulsion. For example:
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I can think of a zillion better things to do with my time, including: roll around in a fire ant nest while covered with honey; try to get a BAC over 0.6 and still survive; and try to explain the free market to a group of hippies. – Ernie Loco

TL/DR – Scott

I’d rather set fire to my face and beat it out with a track shoe. – JW
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I’m sensing a trend here.

So let’s roll with it

Tell me… what would you rather do than read “Dreams From My Father”?

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Alaska

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we’ll discover the incomparable, if slightly disturbing, joys of dog-whipping as we mush our sled north to Alaska, so let’s get started…

Alaska state flag
The design for Alaska’s state flag was loosely based on something Bugs Bunny saw after getting whacked on the head by a cartoon mallet.
  • Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton’s marriage.
  • Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.
  • 90% of Alaska’s oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.
  • There are no cars in Alaska because it’s too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.
  • The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.
  • Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for “cold,” all of which start with “Damn!”
  • Like that line? I stole it from a Mexican while he was sneaking across the border.
  • Alaska’s original state motto was “Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?”
  • Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims – much like Congressmen, except with parkas.
  • The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.
  • Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.
  • Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bicep.
  • It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.
  • During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.
  • Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.
  • The fishing industry is Alaska’s largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.
  • All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the U.S. where it was safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.
  • Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.
  • If I remember correctly, Alaska’s state flower is the forget-me-not.
  • I’ll let you think about that one for a minute.
  • The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn’t be confused with puppy blending – the official state sport of Tennessee.
  • The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.
  • Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn’t have a word to describe the temperature.
  • The current official state motto of Alaska is “North to the future.” The unofficial state motto is “South to somewhere warm.”
  • Contrary to popular myth, there are no penguins in Alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.
  • Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.
  • Alaska’s name is based on the Eskimo word “Alakshak,” which means “Damn!”

That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be elbowing leathery-skinned retirees out of our way at the mall as we take in the sights of Arizona.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression…

Hey ya filthy Canuck! Get your hands off that fish!

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

The Real Reason Why There Are So Many Movies With Aliens Lately

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Because the US military is so awesome, the only army that could actually give us a decent fight is one that’s made up.

Assuming, of course, that our Rules of Engagement aren’t mired in some rainbow-unicorn “winning hearts & minds” bushwah.

However, if we only wanted to win hearts & minds so that we could display them in a trophy case, then my first point still stands.

Link of the Day: New & Improved Presidential Biography Updates

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[High Praise! to Hunter of Atomic Monkey Action Squad]

Hunter takes Obama’s biography-meddling and “one-downs” it like a boss:

I Drop My Name Into the Presidential Biographies

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

11 More Dark Obama Secrets From “Dreams From My Father”

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Wow. The hits just keep on coming.

He ate a dog, he slept with composite women (who totally existed!), he loved driving drunk, and he used to bully kids by punching them in the face.

Too bad all John McCain did was serve his country and spend 5 years being tortured in Vietnamese prison camps. He might’ve amounted to something.

I thought about reading DFMF myself to see what other oddball tidbits are in there, but I’m right in the middle of “The Count of Monte Cristo” right now (“You’ll like it. It’s about a prison break.”), so I’m just gonna have to take a few guesses at what other surprises await the discerning reader :
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That bus he keeps throwing his friends under? Made in Canada

1) Fell in love with a singer at a night club. Turned out *spoiler alert* she was a dude.

2) Worked for a secret government agency whose goal was to keep people from finding out that aliens live among us. He was Agent K’s original partner, Agent O, although his name was changed to protect his identity in that documentary by Will Smith.

3) While living in Hawaii, invented the grass skirt. Still wears them behind the podium at press conferences.

4) During his introduction of Professor Derrick Bell at a Harvard protest in 1991, mistakenly described him as “the founder of America’s Mexican fast-food industry.”

5) In a crazy bar bet with a young man identified only as “Johnny”, lost a golden fiddle.

6) Only smoked marijuana once, experimentally. Then 7000 more times to confirm his data. Scientific method rules!

7) His roommate in college was a Chinese guy that Obama constantly borrowed money from, but never repaid.

8) Amazed his friends by appearing to die while fighting a Balrog, only to appear months later wearing a white robe and requesting that he should be addressed with a peculiar nickname that seemed to deny his African-American heritage.

9) Never actually told his literary agent that he was born in Kenya. Over a bad connection, he’d told his secretary that he was a “born Keynesian”. From there, chalk it up to poor penmanship.

10) As a poverty-stricken student at Occidental College in L.A., his lack of means forced him to do his own automotive maintenance, including changing his own oil. Which he would dump on the beach and blame BP for.

11) Shot a man in Reno just to watch the shortcomings of the failed American healthcare system let him die.
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Anyway, go ahead & read Dreams From My Father yourself. Bet you a gold fiddle my list isn’t nearly as weird as what’s actually in there.

Nuke the News: The President Is a Birther

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* Man, it’s Friday and I don’t feel like talking about politics. So what have you all been up to that doesn’t involve politics?

Oh. Really? That’s boring. Back to politics!

* Obama apparently used to be a nutty birther. Yep, in his bio for his literary agent, he claimed to have been born in Kenya.

Now, I find birthers to be annoying, so it’s a shock to find out the president is one. We can’t have a nut like that in the presidency; it will make us look like idiots. It’s time for him to go. No one in a position of power should be making such nutty claims. We have two candidates, and one of them, Romney, has consistently said that Obama was born in Hawaii. Let’s elect the sane one.

* Brand new shocking information about Obama found by someone actually reading Obama’s book: Obama liked to drive drunk. What a lot of neat stuff we’re finally finding out about Obama four years after he was elected. Belly full of dog, mind clouded with gin, out loose on the highways. But he got over those rough early years to be a complete disaster as president.

His next memoir should really be written as a comedy.

* Jeremiah Wright claims he was offered money to keep quiet about Obama and…

Weird. I just got a PayPal donation from Obama for… Wow. That’s quite a bit.

Know what. Never mind about this. Let’s go on to the next item.

* Here’s a blogger for Comedy Central whining about how conservatives are overtaking Twitter. If there’s one thing Twitter has taught me, it’s that there are a lot more funny conservatives than liberals. They just don’t have jobs in comedy.

* I know I’ve been making fun of the move Battleship since — you know — it’s a movie based on the board game Battleship, but the director actually seems kind of cool and pro-military. Here’s a funny interview for Israel where he gets on the reporter for not being in the military (language warning). Also, a character in the movie is a disabled veteran who lost both his legs played by an actual disabled veteran who lost both his legs in Iraq — and gets to be part of a cool action scene. I kind of want to see the movie now.

Random Thoughts: Wright Returns

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So, will any Democrat argue that Romney’s bullying 50 years ago is relevant but Obama’s spiritual influence for 20 years isn’t?

Or that how Romney treated his dog once years ago is relevant but that Obama was silent about his crazed pastor isn’t?

Wright and Ayers shows that Obama has a history of hanging around awful people and keeping silent to help himself politically.

That said, doesn’t really seem like we should need to bring up personal stuff with how horrible Obama’s job performance has been.

Usually, you bring up the personal stuff to say the guy is going to do a bad job. That point has already been proven.

I’ll not bring up Jeremiah Wright if the Obama campaign pays me hush money.

The Wright thing was to say Obama would he a bad president. Since he has been a bad president, attack him on that.

I say we keep Obama from being reelected and then argue how stupid it was to elect him in the first place.

1/32 of Obama’s birth was in Kenya.

The fact that Barack Obama used to be a birther should discredit him from office.

The easiest way to be carbon neutral is to find someone with the same size carbon footprint as you and murder him.

If I wrote my own Wikipedia page, it would longer and much more epic.

I have the .380 version of Zimmerman’s gun. Inexpensive. Easy to conceal. Made in Cocoa, Florida. I have had feed problems with it.

Since I’m morally opposed to the metric system, I call a 9mm a “.380 long.”

I tried writing a screenplay but it involved too much fiddling with indenting in MSWord so I’m going to be a novelist instead.

Link of the Day: UK Greens Set New Record in the 10,000 Meter Stupid

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[High Praise! to Soylent Green (NSFW)]

Just when you think they can’t get any dumber:

Some of our British cousins have figured out a way to solve it all. They have set up the One Million Jobs Caravan, as part of a “Campaign Against Climate Change”… I’m not sure how they plan to stop the climate from changing, but apparently it takes a million people to do it. To fight against CO2 emissions, the backers plan to get into fossil-fueled vehicles and drive, the lot of them, from city to city all around England and Scotland. And then back again.

But wait – the parachuteless plunge into the chasm of ignorance is only begining…

Energy and Economic Crises SOLVED!

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Biden: “They Don’t Get Who We Are” – Here’s 10 Reasons Why

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[High Praise! to T-dog for the link]

In Youngstown, Ohio, Biden went off on a bumbling, stuttering rant against Republicans that ended with “They don’t get us! They don’t get who we are!”

Look, we KNOW we were supposed to do our homework on this and become a frothing, bubbling font of knowlege on the topic o’ Democrats, but it just didn’t happen. Some things came up, like:
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Ran out of Red Bull while reading up on your bull.

1) Notes. Good intentions. Hungry dog. Oops.

2) Wikipedia’s down.

3) Every time we look them up on the White House website, their bios change.

4) “The Avengers” isn’t going to watch itself for the 35th time.

5) Democrats aren’t a character class in Diablo III, so we really don’t care.

6) Remember that scene in Matrix Reloaded where Neo had to beat up 100 Agent Smiths on a playground? Yeah, it was just like that, except it was a bag of Doritos and we were on a couch. Don’t tell Michelle, OK?

7) We took a vow of ignorance until a Democrat budget gets a single Senate vote. We suspect the Democrats did likewise.

8) Wait… if you mean the Democrats who filibustered the Civil Rights Act, we actually know all about them.

9) Did you send us something on it? Must’ve gotten caught in the spam filter. We’ll just take a look, and – DAMMIT! Hit delete by mistake. Stupid Gmail!

10) We ran out of gas. We had a flat tire. We didn’t have enough money for cab fare. Our tuxes didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole our cars. Our Chevy Volts ran out of power and then burst into flames. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN’T OUR FAULT, WE SWEAR TO GOD!
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Say, Joe, ya suppose your boss would be willing to just give us an “incomplete” on this assignment?