[High Praise! to According to Hoyt]
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Or take the minimum wage nonsense. What kind of insane idiot, with the crisis of unemployment we have would want to RAISE minimum wage? I mean, both the man reading these words off the teleprompter and the idiots who wrote them for him to read have presumably enough intelligence to stand upright and speak at the same time. So it shouldn’t be possible for them to NOT understand that a wage is something paid in exchange for a service. It is therefore tied to the value of that service. The idea of legislating it at ALL is insane, and leads to people who can’t afford to pay it hiring illegals or simply not growing their business past the one man stage – because, children, economics is a science. You can’t simply legislate wages, any more than you can legislate rain. BUT on top of that the idea of in a recession wanting to tie the minimum wage to the cost of living is so astonishingly stupid that- That I run out of words.
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According to scientists, the universe exists on the very edge of stability. So basically God is a hacker and MacGuyvered this universe together, and while it’s working fine for now, it could just completely collapse at any moment. So let’s all do our best not to bother the universe. Like, stop trying to divide by zero on your calculator. I mean, if we collapse this universe, it will probably take God like a week to hammer a new one together, and I bet parts of it will just never work as well as this one.

Instead of just going after guns to stop violence, some people are also targeting violent video games — the best kind of video games! It’s a War on Awesome.

Instead of despairing, though, I’ve come up with a few ideas on how to make non-violent versions of popular video game series.

NON-VIOLENT VERSIONS OF POPULAR VIDEO GAME SERIES

Hitman: Now “Hugman.” Blend in with the crowd, sneak up on your target, and give him a big hug.

Call of Duty: Same title, but now it involves actually calling people to remind them of stuff they need to do. Call center simulation fun!

Assassin’s Creed: Now it’s “Santa’s Creed.” Clamber over rooftops to deliver presents to children.

Mortal Kombat: Still involves tearing people open, but now it’s a surgery simulator because what we’re really in Kombat with is Kancer.

Grand Theft Auto: It will get back to its root and be about stealing cars — with a new twist: You take the car to a garage, get it converted to a hybrid, and then return it to its owner.

Resident Evil: Oh no! A zombie outbreak! Time to teach them to dance thriller style!

Halo: The only way to settle an alien conflict is an extreme cooking competition. It’s the Master Chief to save the day again… or should we say “Master Chef.”

Metal Gear: Sneak around enemy territory, and if you’re spotted, blow your rape whistle so someone can come help you.

If any video game company wants help making these games, my price is one million dollars.

So Governor Chris Christie is apparently the largest, most popular governor ever. Even a majority of Democrats like him. And you’d think he’d be unpopular with how brash he is with yelling at teachers in town halls and how there’s never any bacon in the cafeteria because he always gets there first. But I guess people respect how honest and forthright he is and how much he enjoys bacon.

So what’s next for Chris Christie? The presidency? Food critic? Eat an entire roast pig in one sitting? He probably has a lot of options, though many Republicans are wary of how leftward he can sometimes be and how he went on and on about how great Obama was after hurricane Sandy hit and Obama visited New Jersey and gave the governor a plate of fried cheese. Still, come 2016, it will be hard to argue with such popularity, and Chris Christie is a budget crusader, often expressing very conservative views on spending such as, “Every dollar cut from government is a dollar that can better be spent at Krispy Kreme.”

So, even if you don’t like him, get used to lots of talk of Christie for 2016. As he always says, “Nom nom nom.”