Archive of entries posted on 1st February 2013

Progressives: Underneath the Mask

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[High Praise! to Gunslinger’s Journal and Political Outcast]

“progressives” are a caricature of themselves, fully given over to pseudo-utopian, relativist ideals that remain ludicrous – hopelessly unattainable – by any objective standard.

Still, our patchouli-wearing, pervert-pride-prancing, “pay-for-my-abortion”-shrieking friends are anything if not determined. They’ll let neither reality nor the U.S. Constitution stop them. Nothing, it seems – especially not those mealy-mouthed puddin’ pops running the GOP – can keep this ship of fools from sinking a once great nation.

Problem is, they’re taking us all down with them. How do you stop skyrocketing debt and deficits that even liberal economists admit, if left unchecked, spell America’s doom? You don’t. You print trillions more and spend it like game tokens at Chuck E. Cheese. The party must go on or the kiddos get cranky. Sugar Daddy Barack’s got hungry mouths to feed.

This Is How I Want to Remember George Washington

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Perusing the Crazy Horse Memorial Wikipedia page (just curious to see if it’s finished yet – a big, fat “nope” on that one), and in the “Controversies” section was this:

Having the finished sculpture depict Crazy Horse pointing with his index finger has also been criticized. Native American cultures prohibit using the index finger to point at people or objects, as the people find it rude and taboo. Some spokesmen compare the effect to a sculpture of George Washington with an upraised middle finger.

First, that would be the awesomest sculpture EVER!

Second, one could plausibly argue that the Washington Monument does just exactly that. 555 feet of “up yours, Britain!”

Wisdom of the Day: Lincoln Fraiser Experts Catfish Babies Hagel Economy Chicago Cookies

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Scientists Declare Earth Uninhabitable

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Scientists have redefined the “Goldilocks Zone” — the distance from a star where a planet would be “just right” and could conceivably have life on it. The problem is, with the new definition, Earth is no longer in the Goldilocks Zone. So I guess our planet is basically uninhabitable. I hope we have plans then to find and takeover one of the planets that actually are habitable. I mean, I have plans — with lots of cool drawings of us using lasers to shoot aliens.

I really should be Secretary of Defense.

The Best Lie the Government Ever Told?

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In the comments to my post on the moon landing not being fake, John [High Praise!] said:

The fatal flaw of all conspiracy theories, whether we’re talking about the moon landing or JFK assassination, to the various “truther” movements going on right now, are their assumption that the government is competent enough to pull off a massive, secretive operation in broad daylight in front of hundreds, thousands, or (in the case of television) millions of eye witnesses. Our government just isn’t that proficient.

Serious question: what WAS the biggest coverup a government ever successfully pulled off that we definitely know of?

I’m thinking The Manhattan Project, but even that was only kept quiet for a couple years.

What Suggestions Came Out of Obama’s Jobs Council

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Obama is shutting down his jobs council. Mission accomplished, baby. He started his term with a an awesome 7.8% unemployment rate, and after a lot of hard work, trillions in stimulus, and convincing lots of people to give up ever looking for employment, he’s gotten the rate back to 7.8% (well, 7.9% now, but really close). So what’s left for him to do? Go play some golf, I guess. Or skeet shoot; Obama loves him some skeet shooting with the bang bang sticks.

I wonder what were some of the suggestions that came out of that jobs council?

SUGGESTIONS FROM OBAMA’S JOBS COUNCIL

* “Higher taxes are sure to motivate businesses.”

* “Try being more patronizing to business owners; remember you’ve written multiple memoirs so you know way more about everything.”

* “Number one complaint of businesses: Health care and gasoline is too cheap.”

* “We need someone to fetch us coffee. That would be a job.”

* “Jobs are boring and stupid! Can’t everyone not work and just live on foodstamps?”

* “Businesses are just so concerned about ‘profit.’ I don’t even know why we want to help such awful things.

* “I thought the name of the council meant we’d be working for Steve Jobs. What?! He’s dead!”

The Hagel Hearing Was AWESOME!

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Man, I am sorry I missed seeing any of the Hagel hearings yesterday. They sounded pretty awesome. As someone who has always hated Hagel, it’s so great that Obama nominated him so we’d have this chance to expose him as an ignorant, anti-Semitic dimwit to a national audience. Here I thought Hagel had retired peacefully, but now Obama has pulled him into the spotlight to finally get the derision he’s always deserved. Thank you, Obama.

I mean, why in the world did he nominate this moron? Does he think the Secretary of Defense is an entry-level position? Then again, I guess the presidency basically was for Obama. Well, if Hagel doesn’t work out, I’ll offer myself for Secretary of Defense since I’m at least as qualified and many more times coherent. But to take the job, I get to be called “Secretary of War” instead and get to declare war on one natural satellite no questions asked.

Wait, how much does Secretary of Defense pay? We’re talking at least $25 an hour, right?

Random Thoughts: Hagel, Immigration Compromise, and Chirps

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Immigration compromise conservatives would easily sign on to: For every illegal immigrant who stays, one white liberal is deported.

It’s not like we need a serious person for Secretary of Defense; when was the last time we were actually at war?

I have no interest in the Wii U right now, but I’ll probably get it years from now when the new HD Zelda comes out.

One of the Senators should shout at Hagel, “There’s a Jew RIGHT BEHIND YOU!” to see how he reacts.

But we’re still going to confirm Hagel, right? I mean, it’s not like we expect someone competent for an Obama nominee.

Is the smoke detector’s low battery chirp specially designed to be impossible to locate by sound?

Think we’re finally going to subscribe to HuluPlus. It was realizing they have Cosby Show and Community exclusively that did it.

Hagel sounds like kind of a jerk and a dummy… which I think would be par for most U.S. Senators.

When Hagel thought the mic was off, it caught him saying, “And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling Jews!”

This is disappointing for the left, because they wanted a Secretary of Defense who would openly vow to destroy Israel.

So is Secretary of Defense like an entry-level government job?

I never liked Hagel, so now I’m kinda glad he got nominated because this is hilarious. I mean, if it weren’t for the nomination, he could have retried in peace without national humiliation.

So lax gun laws in other states than Illinois cause gun violence in Chicago but not in the states with the lax gun laws.

But guns are obviously the problem.

Is Markos really worth confronting anymore? It seems similar to burning down a strawman.

I can’t even imagine how in the world we managed to watch TV before we were able to pause it.

Really, when the phone would ring or someone was at the door… I can’t remember how we handled that when a favorite show was on.

Grand Theft Auto IV is pretty fun when you get past the tedium and the poor combat controls.

I know I’m very late to the game, but I really don’t see how IGN gave GTA4 a perfect 10.

Love how about half of column and blogging income gets eaten up in taxes. Makes me feel like a rich person paying that high a rate!