Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…
… Hiring master of fiction Stephen King to write their stories, JJ Abrams to direct
…they replaced Piers Morgan with Alex Jones (no further commentary required)
…they are hiring MORE Gay activists, MORE Anti-Christian crusaders and a few more RINO’s to work with Joe Scarborough.
…started writing lies about Obama, but they are better than the truth.
Soledad is spanish for – solitude. Oops……bye, bye Ms. Soledad O’Brien.
…they’re showing reruns of “Diff’rent Strokes”.
They will start running re-runs from the Carter Administration and hope for such a good economy themselves.
They’ve announced a new call-in show, “What can you blame on the GOP?”
They are going to introduce HBO-levels of nudity and profanity.
…they’re going to have a single camera focused on a TV with Fox News and just play the live feed.
…they’ve replaced all their shows with LOLCats.
…Obama will be proposing a new “CNNcare” bill, which will amndate that all Americans watch CNN on a daily basis.
…They’re showing videos of a monkey washing a cat.
they will have more guest editorials from Joe Biden.
CNN? Never heard of it.
They decided to become a news channel.
…they’ve hired a large ugly woman with a huge butt and “toned arms,” because everyone they know keeps talking about how attractive that is.
As Part of the Plan to Boost CNN’s Ratings… they plan on discontinuing all programming and transmissions.
…Peirs Morgan’s head will be exploded at a random moment.
…Anderson Cooper will do his show in full drag.
…at random intervals bulls will be stampeded across the set.
…two words: Naked News.
…they plan on advertising in the New York Times, Newsweek, and Time magazine.
…they bought the rights to “The Biggest Loser.”
…they will let the audience choose the ending of a news story by calling an 800 number.
…they will start showing a burning log in a fireplace 24-7.
…they’ll just start misrepresenting the Neilson ratings the way they currently do the economic statistics.
everyone is fired
… all on air personalities will wear a paper bag over their heads at all times … Anderson Cooper’s will be plastic…
. . . they will stop paying the utility bills for the transmitter.
…viewers can vote online to see their favorite anchor waterboarded.
As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…they will pander to the mentally ill by having Garret Morris in the corner screaming in mexican.
…they’ll take the “C” out of “truck,” and the “F” out of “way.”
…instead of a monkey, they’ll send Candy Crowley into outerspace.
…they will replace regular programming with a test pattern.
…rename from CNN to IMAO.
(Obligatory suck up entry)
…guest panels will have to run a “Chinese Fire Drill” right after coming back from a break.
…they will replace regular programming with speeded up footage of two fat men in tuxedos & tails playing ping pong. (h/t Woody Allen — back when he was funny….)
Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats
Just run Fox News programs but photoshop CNN logos over everything.
I can’t say much as it’s still company classified, but what I can release is that it involves the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”
two words…. Swamp People.
…they will add a new round table show featuring Cousin Oliver, Andy Keaton, and Scrappy Doo.
Piers Morgan will start wearing makeup and juggling on air. Might as well fully embrace his on air persona.
New show idea: Stump Piers Morgan. Will feature cast from the series American Chainsaw.
…the new prime time pairing of Honey Boo Boo and Anderson go poo poo.
…borrowing the Couric FannyCam and broadcasting Ted Nugent passing a golf ball sized stone, or even just a golf ball.
…the cooking segments will all feature grilling Conservatives.
…the “shock collar of accidentally telling the truth!!!”
…weather reports replaced with the thrill up Chris Matthews Leg meter via hidden camera at MSNBC.
…we get the Brownest Nose contest included with the What The Obamas Ate Today segment.
Anderson Cooper french kisses Elton John
As part of the plan to boost CNN’s ratings…they will copy the business and broadcast plan of MSNBC (that ought to work, right?).
The Administration has agreed to pull all of the Licenses to FOX stations and every station carrying Rush Limbaugh.
If that is not suffiient, the Mainstream alphabets are next.
…they will be providing free cable TV to every household in Palestein, Iran, Pakistan and Libya.
…Obama signed an executive order that all White House press conferences can only air on CNN.
….they threatened to make anyone who watched CNN listen to Yoko Ono “singing.
This was incredibly unsuccessful. So they came up with another plan, which they called “The Other Plan”, in which they bought ads on Fox News with Yoko Ono “singing” while a banner scrolled on the bottom of the screen announcing: If you were watching CNN now, this pain would cease. It did, in fact, boost their ratings until people realized they had to listen to Maddow, Matthews, Morgan and the rest drone on..and on..and on….
They gained exclusive Rights as Speech Writers for the Osama administration.
…they will start airing CNN in unemployment offices, which could either increase their current viewership, or lower new unemployment claims.
…Manti Te’o’s girlfriend will occasionally read he scroll at bottom of broadcast to Manti Te’o.
…Will hire Geraldo Rivera to do special on foxhole found with an atheist in it.
New show: “Stick Quiz”. Contestants are asked a trivia question and if they get it wrong, they are hit with a stick.
.. they will report that their ratings have tripled. Oh, you mean their actual ratings? It’s already been reported as tripled — so what, at this late date, does it matter?
Prime time will include an hour of lesbian oil wrestling. And I mean the good lesbian kind of oil wrestling…not the Rachel Maddow kind.
…. Both fans of Piers Morgan will stop playing video games in their mothers’ basements and tune in to watch.
…. New show: Sumo wrestling with Candy Crowley!
…. they’ll edit the ratings reports like NBC edits tape
They will sell there channel to some place in Japan for 24/7 anime.
They’re planning to have Hitlery host a new show……”It takes a village idiot to destroy a country”. She will have lots of personal stories and experience on this show.
…hourly ratings reports with anchors holding loaded handguns.
…they will stop fighting stalking charges against Anderson Cooper whenever he gets a viewer.
…they will move studio to extinct volcano core and question guests while laser beam tracks ever closer to their groins.
They will show reruns of To Tell The Truth and hope to fool you.
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