For once, the government should give the middle class something for free that’s paid for by the poor and college kids. I’d like a new iPad.

Is Mr. T part of the DC or Marvel universe?

Oh yeah. Give me some low-stakes Downton Abbey drama.

“I have very black and white views about people who have black and white views about the Iraq War!”

You know, the rich aren’t these infinite piñatas we can whack every time we want goodies.

Maybe a left-winger in Hollywood could make the really nuanced sniper movie that absolutely no one wants to see.

I thought winning free Starbucks for life would be cool but then I found out those cheapskates just give you one free drink and murder you.

So my 4yo daughter Buttercup is going to pay for this “free” college from her 529 college savings? Yeah, that sounds fair.

Yes, tax people for being responsible and saving for college; that’s what we want to discourage. I was totally asking for it.

If you’re middle class and trying to be responsible like me, that’s very provocative to the government. They’re going to go after you.

Going after savings starts to cross the barrier between usual left-wing stupidity and being down right evil.

Obama should wear a bow tie. Then everyone will be like, “You gotta turn on the SOTU! Obama is wearing a bow tie! It’s insane!”

Or a fedora. Obama should bring back fedoras. Then he’ll be remembered for something.

“We should really tackle climate change.”
*cut to audience all shaking heads
“Okay then. Here’s my next idea…”
#SOTU

He better not ask for a raise. #SOTU

It’s distracting how Biden and Boehner keep slap fighting. #SOTU

The easiest way to earn more than the minimum wage is to do work worth more than the minimum wage.

The annoying thing is that people who like free stuff over freedom have so many other countries to choose from. We have just the one.