(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, finally we can get back to the trigger warning training.

Galid: I am confused. Did we not already have the trigger warning training? My safety is on. See (pulls trigger and bullets spray into the air. Fiddles with the gun). Ok, now it is on. I think it is on.

Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. Your safety is not a trigger warning. This is a different issue entirely. Is anyone familiar with this term? Can anyone tell me what a trigger warning is?

Habib: Is it when the rocks and trees warn us that a Jew is hiding behind it so we can pull the trigger and kill it?

Corporate HR Imam: No. Nice try. I like the way you think, but no.

Ahmed: Is it when I warn the new recruits to never under any circumstance pull Ali’s finger and trigger the gases of death?

Ali: I warned you. I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Truly if they pulled Ali’s finger it would be the death of us all.

Ali: I’ll kill you too. I’ll kill you all! (pulls trigger. Nothing happens). Allah curse it! I can never tell if that safety is on or off. Which button do I push again?

Corporate HR Imam: Do not pull that trigger. I am warning you.

Galid: So what you just said? That is a trigger warning then?

Corporate HR Imam: No, no, no. Everybody calm down. Remember, this is supposed to be a safe space where Ali is free to stink without fear of reprisal.

Habib: But where is our space to be free from the putrescence of Ali?

Corporate HR Imam: That is not important. What are important are Ali’s feelings.

Galid: But I am confused-

Ahmed: Shouldn’t you be used to that by now?

Galid: Best mind your words. My safety is off, my friend. No, wait. I just turned it on. So the gun will shoot now. But if the gun won’t shoot, then I am less safe, so the safety is on. I am so confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Just everybody forget about your weapons and let’s have nobody shoot anybody right now, ok, and let’s get through the trigger warning section so we can have time for the beheadings. I know we all want to see that , right? Ok, so a trigger warning is this. A trigger warning is a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material. Does this make sense? Let’s look at some examples. Here is the special director’s cut of Schindler’s List. A trigger warning for this might be: Warning – this film contains fanciful depictions of the Holocaust that did not occur but may nonetheless cause the breasts of holy mujahedeen to swell with rapturous glee. Do not watch unless a doctor recommends your heart is healthy enough for sex.

Crowd: Death to the Jews! Death to the Jews! (pointing guns into the air and firing. Only Galid’s discharges)

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Here is another one. (Holds up a copy of I am Cait starring Caitlyn Jenner) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – this film depicts the transformation of a haggard, old attention gigolo into a haggard, old attention whore. The abomination presented may induce the viewer to either hang his television or hurl it to its death from a high building.

Habib: Abomination! Why, Bruce? You were dreamy just the way Allah made you.

Corporate HR Imam: See? Just the picture on the DVD cover is already causing Habib emotional distress. Let’s look at another one. (Holds up a copy of Season One of HBO’s Girls, starring Lena Dunham) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – (interrupted by stone striking the DVD) Who threw that?

Ahmed (sheepishly): But I can see the hairy, unwashed buttocks of the infidel!

Ali: I am pretty sure that is the face of the infidel.

Ahmed: You mean those lumps are not hemorrhoids?

Ali: Nasal hemorrhoids, maybe.  Is that normal for a girl?  Is that why they veil their faces?

Habib: Do we really want 72 of them?  Or is that just me?

Ahmed: Death to girls!

Crowd: Death to girls! Death to girls! Death to girls!

Corporate HR Imam (dodging a barrage of stones): Ouch, Allah curse it! Stop it! Stop it! Please refrain from stoning the DVD until I give you permission. Let’s get back to the trigger warning. Warning – this film depicts pale, pudgy women without burkas engaging in relations that will cause the bowels of the mujahedeen to writhe with irritability and the loins to shrivel. May induce homosexuality in the viewers or an intense need to stone the DVD. (throws the DVD to the ground). You may proceed to stone.

Crowd stones the DVD into oblivion

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Let’s show one last example. (holds up the Quran). The trigger warning might be: Warning – reading this book may induce extreme feelings of peace and induce one to love one’s neighbor, treating all with kindness and respect regardless of race, gender or creed. Following its precepts will cause one to forgive and return kindness to insults and affronts. Under no circumstances will it induce one to rape and pillage.

Galid: But, uh, I am confused….

Corporate HR Imam: Just kidding. Got ya! Here’s the real one. Warning – this book may induce one to submit to Allah, join the global caliphate, wage violent Jihad against the infidels and behead those who insult Islam. The subjugation of women and cruel and unusual punishment are icing on the cake. Ok, we’re almost done now and will soon be able to move on to the beheading demonstration, Allah willing. We just have to make it through the unit on microaggressions.

Corporate HR Lackey (running toward the group with the box of action figures): I think I have them all. When is the clock boy going to have them deactivated? Where do you want them? (jiggles the box vigorously)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Who put the Bengay in my boxers?  I can feel the bern! (explodes)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs once again return to earth)

Corporate HR Imam: By the brides of Mohammad! (into the megaphone) I need another clean up on hill 7. A clean up on hill 7.  (muttering to himself) Looks like I brought way too many training forms…again.

Galid: I think maybe you should put a trigger warning on the action figures. Something like: Warning – do not pull the string unless you are an infidel.

Corporate HR Imam: That isn’t really a trigger warning, Galid.  Just a regular warning.

Galid: What? I am so confused.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

On a completely unrelated subject, I’m gonna have to head down to the Houston area next week, and I seem to recall that a number of the commenters hale from the great state of Texas. Are there any must see sights, attractions, BBQ joints, etc. that I should check out while I am in town?