I‘m glad Trump had a clean bill of health because my greatest fear is him dying in the middle of a tweetstorm, we just staring at a “…” but never getting to find out the rest of the problems he had with the waitress at the airport Chili’s.

When was the last Trump scandal that changed anyone’s opinion of him?

With this DACA thing, it feels like the name “Dreamers” was picked in a heavy-handed attempt to manipulate people, but all the name makes me want to do is smack someone. “Get your head out of the clouds, dreamer, and get back to work!”

I think the broader lesson of the Aziz Ansari story is to be cautious dating any actor from Parks and Recreation… even Chris Pratt.

I was disgusted by David French’s “Nukes Are Great Because They’ll Only Kill Millennials Who Eat Tide Pods” article. Plus, it was wrong. The Millennials will already be dead from Tide Pod poisoning leaving the nukes searching for someone else to kill.

National Review makes a compelling argument that getting the country nuked is Republicans only viable strategy for 2018.

For a supposedly responsible adult, I feel like I watch a lot of CW shows.

Holy crap! Each of the Fake News awards comes with a million dollar prize!
You also get a congratulatory call from the president, but he’s extremely drunk.

I’m really interested in finding out whether Nintendo will succeed in getting me to pay $80 for a box of cardboard.

Government shutdowns never bother me. What I hate is when they start it back up again.

Saw an episode of The Simpson’s where they said, “Looks like those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.” But this wasn’t last week’s episode; this was an episode that originally aired in 1994!

People are good. And babies, which are tiny people, are very good.

Know who I blame for the shutdown? Everyone playing the stupid blame game on the shutdown.

Oh no. Now you have to go to Canada if you want some government.

Maybe the government shutdown will fix everything. It’s like when your cable modem isn’t working and you have to unplug it for a couple minutes and then plug it back in.

I don’t think The Last Jedi was terrible, but it was a terrible middle chapter. After The Force Awakens, I was excited to see where that story was going. After The Last Jedi, there’s no plot threads left I care that much about.
The only thing I’m actually curious about is how they’ll handle Leia in Episode 9.

The only thing to do about a government shutdown is to ignore it. They’re only doing this to get attention, and we can’t give it to them.

The Women’s March is to raise woman awareness. Did you know there are people out there known as “women”? You may know one.

Since the government is shut down, does that mean you can now sell loosies without getting strangled?

The Democrats say they’re going to shut down the government until the Republicans admit they’re responsible for the shutdown.

Twitter just sent me an email informing me that I’m a Russian bot in an attempt to help me become self-aware.

I actually understood what Occupy Wall Street was about better than the Women’s March.

The fixation on making mass marches to cause change in the country I suspect to be a confusion of correlation with causation.

Sometimes it seems like Trump is the only thing standing between us and worse than Trump.

I think its fair to say the Republicans have an anti-immigrant fixation that’s counter to American values and that Democrats would vote to give ISIS citizenship if they were convinced they’d vote for Democrats.

One thing Trump could do is come out strongly against eating Tide Pods to make biting into Tide Pods part of the #Resistance.
“These Republicans claimed to be ‘Never Trump’ and yet they keep going along with Trump on things such as not biting into Tide Pods.”

The Republicans and Democrats can do a lot more fundraising off of fighting about illegal immigration than they can from coming together and agreeing on something.

Trump outsmarted the Senate Democrats and a pigeon once outsmarted him to get all his french fries.

The Trump presidency is such a dark and depressing time that sometimes the only thing that can cheer me up is remembering Hillary losing.

The Democrats current strategy is to be so feckless that Trump eventually takes pity on them and gives them what they want. Will it work? Well, I learned during 2016 to stop making predictions.

The way to take the immigration issue off the table is for the U.S. to conquer the entire world, rendering border moot. But no president has actively tried to do this since Polk.

“The Democrats actually won by shooting themselves in the foot because looked how annoyed those Republicans are having to listen to all those pained screams.”

I saw three best picture nominees. That has to be a new record for me.

I think Bladerunner 2049 should have been nominated. It was good.

I don’t get those speaker devices like Amazon Echo and Google Home. I’ve just started to use Siri regularly since getting the Apple Watch, and it’s mainly because it’s the easiest way to set a timer for my French press.
If I need to quickly set a reminder for something, it’s good for that. I barely ever use it for answer I could google.

If they added a comic book superhero category to the Oscars, we’d have a tough race between Logan, Thor: Ragnarok, and Wonder Woman that people would actually care about.

Hopefully the Oscars this year will have another creative way to attempt to explain to the public the difference between sound editing and sound mixing.

All my kids know about The Flintstones is that they have something to do with vitamins.
The other day, I made a reference to my kids about spinach making you strong, and they had no idea what I was talking about.
I think the entirety of my kids’ knowledge of Scooby-doo comes from a Six Flags ride.

I guess Wonder Woman will just have to settle on being a refreshingly fun movie that made a ton of money.

I always thought it would clarify things if we tied voting right and gun rights. If you shouldn’t trust someone with voting you wouldn’t trust with a gun and vice versa.
Do you trust felons with guns? If not, why’d you release them from prison (it’s really easy to get a gun).

We have to understand that in a country of 400 million guns, whether someone is legally able to own a gun is more of a symbolic thing. Anyone who really wants to get a gun is going to be able to get a gun.

A good name for the Michael Bay Duke Nukem movie would be “Trolling.”