WASHINGTON (AP) – Heeding a call from their voter base to retroactively eliminate student loan obligations, Congressional Democrats did their constituents one better by proposing that all colleges be required to give a free 4-year degree to anyone who asks for it.

“The current system is just a mess,” said Nancy Pelosi, the bill’s lead sponsor. “colleges bill students, students have to get loans from banks, teachers get paid by the colleges, students consume a lot of alcohol, and in the end, it’s just so hard to sort all the costs of tuitions, loans, and bail. But our bill eliminates all that.”

“At first,” Pelosi continued, “we were going to just have the government pay off people’s student loans for them, using money from taxpayers. You know, those awful rich people who aren’t paying their fair share. Mostly people who already graduated from college and paid off their student loans. Serves them right. They should’ve planned ahead like the people who’ll be getting their college for free.”

But then,” said Pelosi, “we thought, well, even if you make it free, a lot of people still have to do a lot of work. Administrators have go to their offices, teachers have to go to their classrooms, students have to go to the art supply store for protest sign materials… and for what? Just to get a degree. I say no! No, no, no! Simplify! Let’s eliminate the middle man. And the end man. And the beginning man. All you really need for a degree is a piece of paper, as a wise man once explained to a scarecrow. So all we really need to do is print these degrees out and mail them to anyone who wants one. And since we can, we should. And we should do it for free.”

When it was pointed out that there would still be printing costs associated with creating the certificates, Pelosi waved her hand dismissively.

“Well, yes, its not FREE, free,” concluded Pelosi “but depending on your income, you’ll be able to get a government subsidy to cover that. As I recall, that fixed Obamacare’s problems.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter CLIFFY contributed to this story]

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