Based on a true story. Some names and 98% of the facts have been changed.

Basil knocked on the office doorframe. Harvey glanced up and the first thought that went through his head was “Oh my gosh, what has he done now?”

“Excuse me, Chief. I was wondering if you had considered picking up some more technical support staff? With all the updates and the S-E-O project, and everything else in the pipeline, it would be great if you could authorize a position.”

Harvey put down his pen and pushed his chair away from his desk. “You find somebody that’ll will be able to do the work and keep the department within budget and, sure, you can have a new supervisor.”

Basil smiled with relief. “Great, I think … wait, what? Supervisor?”

“I’m not putting you in charge of the department. Would you work for you?” Harvey asked.

“I see your point, Chief. Well, I found someone who responded to the ad I took out and I was hoping you’d give the green light.”

“I didn’t authorize an ad. That’s coming our of your paycheck.”

Basil sighed then turned and walked back towards the Supply Closet IT Department located next to the mensroom.

* * * *

“So, your résumé looks good. When can you start?” Basil asked the tall fellow who was standing next to the boxes of trail mix and Snickers bars.

“That’s not my résumé. That’s the packing list from that box of mouse pads you just opened,” the delivery man said. “I think you want to talk to the gentleman over in the corner.”

“Ah. Yes. Thanks.”

The shorter man stepped forward, all smiles.

“Glad to working here in great conservative Website office. Hi ho Silver.”

“I’m glad you could start right away, Boris. I’m not placing your accent. Where are you from?” Basil asked.

“Pittsburgh, Steel City, USA. Great American expert Web programmer from Pittsburgh, Ohio.” Boris responded.

“Oh, yeah. I should’ve figured. Cool shirt, by the way,” Basil said. “Well, let’s get to it.”

The delivery man spoke up. “This stuff was C-O-D. I need you to pay me for this. And no checks. $87.55 cash.”

“Boris, would you open the petty cash box and pay the man?” Basil asked.

Boris opened the box, took the coins into his hand then placed them in his pocket. He stuffed the stack of bills in his other pocket, then turned the box upside down to show Basil.

“Is empty. No American dollars cash, see? You make money writing funny conservative Website. You have money. You pay man.”

Basil reached into his wallet and pulled out five twenties. “You got change?”

“Nope,” said the delivery man as he pocketed the money and left.

* * * *

Basil was explaining the project to Boris. “Harvey’s taken over the analytics. He’s looking to see what users are interested in, stuff we have and stuff we don’t.”

“Oh, that easy project. I do this in Moscow much.”

“Moscow?”

“Uh, Moscow is city in Florida. Is between Pensacola and Homestead. Can’t miss it. I work there two, three years ago. Trump A-number 1.”

Basil thought for a second. “Oh. Okay. Well, first thing we need to do is backup the database. Let me get you set up with a password to do backups.”

“No necessary. I find password. I make conservative Trump number one Website look happy.”

Basil smiled, “That’s great. I didn’t realize they had already hooked you up. I’m gonna go run some stuff by Harvey. Be right back.”

“You no hurry. I make happy good Website ready. And I lock door. Everything great. U-S-A.”

Basil nodded as he walked out the door, hearing the locks engage as Boris closed the door behind him.

* * * *

“What is it now?” Harvey asked as Basil appeared in his doorway.

“I just wanted to let you know we’re starting the backups before the upgrade. We’ll be done by end of the day.”

“You could’ve sent an email that said that.”

“Well, I knew you’d want to know how well it’s going,” Basil said.

Harvey’s phone rang. “This is Harvey. Yes. When? How long? Okay, I’m on it.”

Basil asked, “What’s up?”

“That was Frank. He’s not able to log in.” Harvey typed a few characters on his computer. “Me, neither. What did you do?”

“Uh. Boris is just making a backup. We should be okay. Let me log in and show you.” Basil pulled out his phone and he launched the app. “Huh. I can’t log in either. Let me request a password reset.” Basil punched a few characters in. “Huh. It can’t find my username. This isn’t good.”

Basil headed out the door with Harvey right behind him.

They approached the Supply Closet IT Department, but found the door still locked. Basil knocked. “Boris? We got a problem.”

A voice from inside rang out. “Is okay. Fixing now. Happy good soon. U-S-A number one!”

“I need you to open the door,” Harvey yelled.

“Trump A-OK,” replied Boris.

Harvey turned to Basil. “I gotta find the key. You stay here and see if you can get that door open. Hack the lock’s password or something. And don’t let this guy leave.” Harvey walked down the aisle back towards his office.

“C’mon Boris. Open up now!” Basil pleaded.

“Is okay. Everything good now soon. This happen in Tbilisi, in Georgia, when I work there.”

“Hey, I’m from Georgia. Tbilisi, huh? I never heard of that one. I bet it’s near Swainsboro. Or Vidalia. I ever tell you I used to work in Vidalia?”

“Almost fixing complete. Website work good well soon. U-S-A number one.”

“I knew the fellow that ran the radio station there. It was not far from Mt. Vernon, when I was at Brewton-Parker College. Then was some fun times.”

“Fun times soon. Website work good. I fix. Use the SQL, make update. You patient wait, okay? Yippee ki-yay mother…”

“Found it!” Harvey yelled, as he pushed the key into the lock. The door turned but only opened a little way as the chain engaged. “We gotta break this down. Put some of that weight behind it, why don’t you?”

Basil stepped back then he and Harvey launched their shoulders into the door, which gave way, causing them to crash onto the floor inside the small room.

“See you! Not want be you!” Boris yelled, as he ran out of the door and to the elevator.

Harvey stood up and brushed himself off, surveying the broken door. “That’s coming out of your paycheck.”

* * * *

Several hours later, everything was finally starting to work. They had access again, but there was still a chore in front of them. Harvey told Basil, “Let’s reset all the passwords for everyone. Make them use more punctuation marks. That’s standard procedure. We’re getting everything ready for the next big update anyway, so we might as well kill two birds.”

“Okay, Chief. I’ll take care of that. In fact, I asked the temp agency to send over someone to help ensure we got everything, and there are no traces of Boris left in the system.”

A knock on the door caused both Harvey and Basil to turn. A tall woman entered.

She spoke, “I fix Website happy good, okay Darling? U-S-A number one!”