Amazon is constantly sending me boxes filled with guns and ammo. I guess I signed up for some subscription service and I can’t figure out how to cancel it.

What we should be at war with is the idea we’re at war with each other.

FUN FACT: Alaska doesn’t exist. It’s just a state the U.S. made up as a tax write off.

The longest twitter feud I was in lasted three tweets. That’s how long it took the person to admit I was absolutely right and he was wrong to ever disagree with me.

Rambo doesn’t even need to fight in his new movie. I’d be happy for a whole film of just old man Rambo ranting about Millenials.
“They complain about college debt, but when I was their age, we paid our debt in blood on foreign soil!”

Even better idea: Rambo runs for office.
He used to fight Commies on the battlefield, and now he has to fight them politically.
“I knew someone once with economic ideas like yours. I blew him up with a grenade attached to an arrow.”

Ultrasound must have really changed things for fathers. Seems like the child in a pregnancy would feel pretty theoretical until quite late in the pregnancy without it.
I remember when I first felt like a father. 8 week ultrasound with my first. It was a lot more than I was expecting. Not just a heartbeat, but actually moving around, waving really tiny arms. There was the new life I was responsible for.

That Old Town Road is quite an ear worm. I don’t know if it’s rap or country, but I like it.

What are some extremely popular things that everyone else likes that you also like? I like Marvel movies, The Beatles, and Coca-Cola!

“I have a plan! I’ll take money from other people and buy you free stuff with it!”
Wow. What a plan. What a genius plan.

Kind of funny how Sylvester Stallone had two popular franchises that each start with a movie trying to be a serious film and then all the sequels become schlock until Stallone revisits it decades later trying to make a serious film again.

I remember the Ebert review of First Blood Part 2 remarking how he was really surprised they would just release a mass murderer like that, but then I actually saw the first Rambo movie and he only kills one person in it (by accident).

Maybe the ones who have to constantly watch themselves so they don’t accidentally humanize… well… humans, aren’t the good guys.

If you feel very strongly people should earn at least a certain wage an hour, make a business and pay people that.

“National security is at stake. We need the best on this.”
“CIA?”
“The best.”
“Seal Team 6?”
“No. The absolute best.”
“A team of street racers who used to steal DVD players.”
“Bingo.”

I’m starting to think I should do like a swear jar, but it’s a politics jar where I have to put a dollar in it every time I tweet about politics.

I like wearing a Henley because even though I’m just being a slob in T-shirt and jeans, I look more sophisticated because buttons.

I’m 70% sure Eric Swalwell is just an Andy Kaufman-esque bit. It’s too genius to be done by accident.

I don’t even understand caring about that Pelosi video.

Why is everyone trying to destroy David French? He said be nice to people? Is there video of this, because I don’t want to join the mob unless there’s proof.
I have a great way to bring down David French. I went through Game of Thrones and counted every single boobie and… Oh. Someone already beat me to it.

I’m officially an adult! 40 years, man! I have so much wisdom now to impart to young people, but it’s mainly that they should shut up because I’m tried of listening to them whine.

Don’t trust anyone who dislikes dogs or Dwayne Johnson.

Did there used to be something else that journalists did other than try to get videos they didn’t like taken off the internet?

I find it very insulting people think journalists can do my occupation.

So the answer is I can drink an espresso at 10pm and have no trouble going to sleep. I think I now just drink coffee to maintain normalcy.

Trump can only have one more term as president of Earth, but there are no term limits for president of Mars.

It actually took me a second to figure out how to misread what Trump said about the moon and Mars. I guess I’m just used to his garbled style.

Time to peruse social media and make a list of all the people I want thrown off of it.

I don’t want to just save the environment; I want to invest it and earn interest.

2020 election should be a lot of fun. Whether Trump is re-elected or if we get a new president, both possibilities seem like a big surprise. Neato!
Whatever happens, I’m sure I’ll have lots of fun at the expense of the head of state. If you’re going to lead the free world, you’re going to get ribbed by me. Watch out!

So now Mars has stolen the moon. Thanks, David French!

Social media is a publisher, not a platform which means there can be a RICO prosecution against them under the Logan Act.

Ah man. I just realized that now that I turned 40, I’m probably too old for Space Force.

Soon the living will envy the canceled.

Got a 4K TV for my birthday. Man, I can’t believe I ever thought 1080p was impressive. 1920×1080 is a gutter resolution.

I like how hotel fanciness just abruptly ends at the stairwell. The whole place looks like a million bucks and then you decide to skip the elevator and it looks like they used whatever paint was cheapest at Home Depot.

Other thing about the fancy hotel: It had single-ply toilet paper. Everything else about it was top-notch, but that part made me feel like I was in the Soviet Union.

People are a burden in the sense that gold is heavy.

I tried watching The Handmaid’s Tale, but I couldn’t take it seriously with all those women constantly dressed up like idiot protesters.

I’m not exactly sure who should be the most offended party in a comparison of AOC to Trump.

I pulled out my iPhone 5S for the first time in a long time. It’s hard to believe that 4” screen used to be the biggest iPhone. I now feel like Andre the Giant holding that thing.

The thing about a Frozen sequel—what percentage of that movie’s popularity was the song Let It Go?

Winchester is a dapper little guy.

Pay AOC $15 an hour.

Know what you call a congressman earning $15 an hour?
Overpaid.

Without political cartoons, how will we know what Saint Peter says to people at the pearly gates when they die?

We used to have water cooler shows–shows basically everyone watched and then would discuss around the water cooler. This era ended, though, when people stopped drinking water in favor of chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

I don’t want more modern nazism or communism. I want to leave those things in last century.

Solar energy isn’t renewable energy. Once the sun runs out, we have no idea how to make a new one.

Been wanting to show my kids the moons of Jupiter, but it’s been cloudy every night. I don’t know who to complain to about that.
A local news story said Jupiter is so close you can see all 79 of its moon with binoculars. They might want to recheck the science on that.

Biden can’t cure cancer. The guy has been in government since 1970; I’d be surprised if he has enough practical skills to tie his own shoes.