Cartoons and Memes : Saturday Night Special

“Good evening Mr. Walrus.”

“Mr. Walrus? Where are you? Hmmm. He doesn’t seem to be around. Oh wait, here is a note.”

“Miss Cardinale. Golfing all day Friday and Saturday with a following trip to the Tequila Fest down at Foxwoods. You’re on your own. Good luck. God bless.”

“Looks like I am all on my own tonight. So let us get down to the nitty gritty.”

Winner

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This week’s choices.

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Which one is funniest?
91 votes · 91 answers

Message From Special Agent — I Mean, Special Friend — Jeff

Hey, {fill in field} [IMAO’er]! Why not join our armed insurrectionist protest at next pro-life rally or stuff? 🙂 I will be wearing khaki pants and sunglasses. We’ll show the government.

Well, that’s enough gabbing, conversing, and chatting. I’ve got to be going now, that’s enough talking intimately. Why don’t you tell me about your latest intimate thoughts? Oh: include friends’ cellphone numbers.

It’s nice to see they respect the Oxford comma, if nothing else.

A Blast of Howie Carr

This columnist transcribes Biden’s historic utterances, and it’s a blast:

Howie Carr: Biden’s 2024 Re-Election Run One for the Ages
Boston Herald | April 26, 2023 | Howie Carr

Dementia Joe Biden made it official yesterday that he wants to “finish the job.”

Maybe he should learn how to finish a sentence first.

But I have the tape for you, from this last month. All dialogue guaranteed verbatim.

Then he introduced US Rep. Jahana Hays, who is female. He called her Jonah.

“Jonah, and by the way Jonah Hayes. Jonah where are you? There you are Jonah, right in front of me. Stand up Jonah!”

Got her name – and gender — wrong five times, in 11 seconds.

Brandon will be campaigning on making billionaires pay their fair share. Or so he says.

“You have we have a thousand billionaires in America. You know the average tax rate they pay? Eight. E-I-G-H percent. Eight.”

“I’ve been in and out of Iraq and Iran er er uh Iraq and Iran but Iraq not Iran I misspoke Iraq and Afghanistan 30 times.”

“Three hundred 70-billion-dollar investment which will reduce annual carbon emissions by one billion tons in 230.”

In what year, Mr. President? In the year 230? Is that A.D. or B.C.?

“You know their sweet excuse me their sweat is soaked with the foundations of communities across the nation.”

“My mom used to have an expression. She said Joey, courage is the greatest virtue of all. Without courage, you cannot have love with the bandit.”

Huh? She said what, Mr. President? So he tries again.

“Without courage, you cannot love with abandon.”

Brandon said he’s known – present tense – “as America’s most pro-labor senator.” One-second delay. “Well guess what and now as president well guess what.”

“Across our country have framed the flame of liberty and fanned it and started the flicker in Athens a thousand years ago and now it burns brightly here.”

“You have built international credibility as peacekeepers stepping up continuously to serve in the UN keace-peeping missions since Ireland first development since Ireland first deployment.”

Channeling Hunter:

“Big Pharma can no longer rip us off by charging exorbitant prices for prescription jugs.”

Channeling himself:

“Here in Northern Ireland programs like un young young young entrepreneur young enterprise Northern Ireland…”

“Ireland’s contribution of 50 million Euros is helping prevent the the ta the ta the treat wasting child wasting and supply ready to use therapeutic foods and reach a half-million children in Africa.”

Rihar Responds to SpamNN

Rihar was kind enough to share this interaction. You lazy people could learn a lesson.

Rihar:

I got a “wrong number” text today (Wednesday) from someone at CNN asking to interview me.

I’m not Alice.

But I decided to reply anyway and not tell him it’s a wrong number. I probably should have strung him along much longer. I just hope I kept him from exploiting this poor person for a while.


***
Email from CNN guy:

Alice…

First and foremost, may God continue to watch over Payton and lead her in her fight to a speedy recovery. And thank Heaven Heather is OK.

I produce CNN’s lead show and national – and international – flagship morning program CNN THIS MORNING with Don Lemon, Poppy Harlow and Kaitlan Collins

As we continue our reporting tomorrow on the tragic incident, we would be honored if you and Heather would be amenable and available for a live interview on the show tomorrow .

At a mutually convenient time slot between 6:30- 9 AM ET (5:30-8 AM CT)

6+ Minutes

I can bring you to a studio in KC. Or you can join us virtually using CISCO WEBEX – I sent you a link and you can log into our remotes system from any computer or device. Plenty of transmission options.

Please give this special request priority consideration. CNN THIS MORNING is one of the few CNN programs that is broadcast live on ALL CNN OUTLETS, including CNN USA, CNN International, CNN Airport, CNN Digital, CNN Mobile and CNN.com . That means, your message will resonate with millions upon millions of CNN THIS MORNING viewers here and globally. And on the largest, most respected and trusted news network in the world. And help our vast audience keep praying for Payton’s recovery.

Thanks for your attention to this. I await your prompt and positive response.

Best

S**** F******
Editorial Producer
CNN THIS MORNING with Don Lemon, Poppy Harlow and Kaitlan Collins
CNN New York
(917) *** – ****
**********@Warnermedia.com (mailto: ***********@Warnermedia.com)

BRINGING THE WORLD HOME!

Hey! On re-reading this, I discover that “S**** F******” (just a simple way of hiding his actual name) kind of looks like a swear. So be it. — Oppo

Back to Rihar (not Alice) 1 hour later:

Can you be more specific about what you’d like to discuss?

CNN guy:

How Heather is doing. Remembering the incident and how she is using her fortitude and positive attitude to drive ahead in life and cheerleading. How Payton has always been a fighter and how heather feels her strength will pull her through. How the team will step up this weekend in florida after this tragedy and with Payton in their minds and hearts will compete stronger and better.

Nothing screams “I’m so busy I can’t be bothered with serious journalism 4 u” like using lowercase letters and omitting punctuation.

And, uh, not pushing an agenda or steering the interview in a particular direction. . . .

Rihar (not Alice) 1 hour after last text:

Would I be able to record our entire interview to ensure nothing is misunderstood?

CNN guy:

It will be live. And I would send u a link after the show.

Rihar (not Alice) 45 min after last text:

Thank you for the offer. I decline the interview.
***

Rihar actually did have a friend who found a link to the story that CNN was trying to dredge up. Which is more than I can say for you lazy people!

Sometimes You Can’t Improve on Raw Human Emotion

I reveled in the gut reaction of this man to the following headline:

Bud Light’s Under-Fire Marketing VP “Takes Leave of Absence” After Dylan Mulvaney Controversy

Daily Mail UK | April 22, 2023 | Harriet Alexander

“With pay or without[?] They ain’t firing the beotch or they’ll be down 15 billion. AB, Nike, I say, they’re lying. They disrespected my wife and all females, I’ll drive their ass so deep in the ditch they’ll find them with the dinosaur bones. There I vented. Gotta get me a Yuengling.”

I like this guy’s take on dinosaur bones. And females.

You can tell this doesn’t come from ChatGPT, but a real person.

‘Tickle Me Emu’ Eviscerates Man for Tickling Him

Court: Graphic Testimony Presented on Burning of Army Men, Firecrackers Placed in Model Ships and Airplanes

Etch-a-Sketch Says It Felt Manipulated; Legos Unconnected; Puzzle Pieces Underrepresented . . . Erector Set To Testify Behind Closed Doors.

Gag Order Placed By Unanimous Consent on Teddy Ruxpin

Barbie No Longer Comes in Original Box

Triggered Matchbox Cars Recall in Excruciating Detail the Trauma of Being Called “Hot Wheels”

Even if We Removed All the Water From the Atlantic, Bermuda Is One Weird Anomaly

… or, as the Brits would say, it’s all a bit rummy.

I think I see where Jimmy Hoffa ended up.

What About Private Meat Consumption?

NYC to Impose Restrictions on Public Meat Consumption to Fight ‘Climate Change’
SLAY | April 19, 2023 | Frank Bergman

Democrat Mayor Eric Adams has revealed plans to impose restrictions on the amount of meat and dairy products the public can consume in New York City.

Adams, who is vegan, has vowed to limit public consumption of meat and dairy in an effort to fight so-called “climate change.”

According to Adams, reducing meat consumption will help NYC’s “greenhouse gas emissions.”

Adams’ plan seeks to reduce food-based gas emissions by 33 percent in the next 7 years.

“Food is the third-biggest source of cities’ emissions right after buildings and transportation,” Adams said.

Adams’ anti-meat and dairy agenda isn’t new, however.

The mayor has already started rolling out his agenda in the city’s public institutions.

Last year, NYC schools introduced “Meatless Mondays” and “Vegan Fridays” to force growing children into adopting a radical diet.

The move triggered a backlash from parents after reports emerged that school kids were being fed fake meat, dry bread, and mushed-up beans.

Parents complained that kids were throwing the food in the trash and eating cookies to make it through the day.

For Adams, however, the plan was never limited to just changing the menu in schools.

The mayor vowed last year that he would impose his own vegan diet on the rest of the city.

“I’ve got to get New Yorkers to eat a plant-based centered life,” Adams asserted last February.

There was no immediate response from the Mafia on how they planned to get rid of informants under this regime.

Straight Line of the Day: Quick! We Need Ideas for Other Products To Sell to the Rich

Now, that’s a tax on the rich that even libertarians can support: the Stupidity Tax!

The 20 most ridiculously expensive items from Erewhon – the luxury grocery store beloved by Hollywood A-listers, where a bottle of WATER will set you back $26 and Kourtney Kardashian’s smoothies cost as much as $22
Daily Mail | 4/08/23 | Neirin Gray Desai

A luxury grocery store frequented by wealthy Californians has been mercilessly mocked online for charging ludicrous prices for the most basic, everyday items.

Erewhon Market has eight locations in Los Angeles’ most affluent neighborhoods, all with a focus on locally sourced, vegan and organic food catering to niche diets.

Products on its shelves include $20 raw milk, a $26 bottle of ‘oxygenated’ water and hot sauce costing as much as $40. It’s also known for selling upmarket prepared foods, like its popular buffalo cauliflower and collard green wrap, which sells for $15.95.

The premium grocery store started in Boston in 1966, selling macrobiotic and organic foods, but in the last five years it’s become a trendy spot for image-obsessed influencers, spurred by social media and a private equity deal in 2019.

On its website, Erewhon describes itself as ‘more than a grocery store. We are a community of people who are united in our love for pure products that protect the health of people and our planet.’

It’s a favorite of LA celebrities, who are regularly photographed walking to their luxury cars – in the valet-equipped parking lot – carrying the latest must-have accessories: an Erewhon smoothie in one hand and an Erewhon grocery bag in the other.

Last year Kourtney Kardashian collaborated with the brand on a $22 smoothie, marketed as the ‘Poosh Potion Detox Smoothie’, which contains activated charcoal, maple syrup, avocado, and protein powder, among other ingredients.

Then earlier this year, a $19 Bella Hadid smoothie was introduced, named The Kinsicle, as part of a promotion for her beverage brand Kin Euphorics. Hailey Bieber also has a ‘Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie’, priced at a mere $18.

Thanks to its offering of niche, free-range and organic food, the store has a reputation for catering to liberal Californians.

  • Tell them they have to pay a million dollars every time the county holds a fair — they’ll have to pay their fair share. (Sweeten the deal by telling them that the cotton candy will all be some high-thread-count Egyptian ‘Neirin Gray Desai’ cotton candy.)
  • Sell them a sports car guaranteed to go 32 feet per second per second off the Pacific Coast Highway.

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