Straight Line of the Day: Walrus Mentioned He Was House Hunting. What Criteria Should He Use?

Straight Line of the Day: Walrus mentioned he was house hunting. What criteria should he use?

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Should be close to Babesleaga judging beach — Vocation, vocation, vocation.

48 Comments

  1. Must look much like Mar-a-Lago.

    Proximity to nude beach.

    Easy commute to sentence.

    Wide, or double-wide.

    One bedroom, ten (for all practical purposes) bathrooms.

    — Wait. Those are my specifications.

  2. Walrus Mentioned He Was House Hunting. What Criteria Should He Use?

    What is the best calibre of ammunition to use and what are the best times to take the shot..also..if successful, is Walrus prepared to clean his catch…

  3. Mr. Wiggin: This is a 12-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive here and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these…

    Client 1: Excuse me.

    Mr. Wiggin: Yes?

    Client 1: Did you say ‘knives’?

    Mr. Wiggin: Rotating knives, yes.

    Client 2: Do I take it that you are proposing to slaughter our tenants?

    Mr. Wiggin: …Does that not fit in with your plans?

    Client 1: Not really. We asked for a simple block of flats.

    Mr. Wiggin: Oh. I hadn’t fully divined your attitude towards the tenants. You see I mainly design slaughter houses.

    Clients: Ah.

    Mr. Wiggin: Pity.

  4. Why even get a place to stay?
    Walrus’s female friend:

    ELAINE: No. No. No. No. No. I don’t really have a phone. In fact, I – I really don’t have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.

    [laughing]

    ELAINE: I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra.

  5. Don’t accept the free homes. I saw a mansion in Youngsville, LA which is reputedly haunted. Owners were giving it away, they were scared to go in it. One of the ghost hunter TV shows went there, and left in a hurry. Nope, they didn’t mention ectoplasmic slime. Apparently the ghost on the second floor is not Casper, but a mean son-of-a-gun who kept turning off their equipment.

    It’s only a rumor that all of the inhabitants once had evidence against Hillary.

  6. Walrus Mentioned He Was House Hunting. What Criteria Should He Use?

    It should have a nice upper floor balcony with a good view of the moon and anything that might be going kaboom on the moon.

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