It’s time for the first addition of Frank Answers! Let’s get to the questions:
Joel F. asks:
If a doughnut falls in the forest and nobody’s around will Michael Moore
still find it, rub it into his skin, and then devour it?
Now Moore has more of look of a guy who was just rummaging through a dumpster looking for a half-eaten sandwich than someone who is lost in a forest eating grubs and bear droppings. Plus, it’s hard to imagine Moore having any reason to go out into a forest unless someone convinced him that deer were NRA supporters or involved with corporate interests. Finally, with all the hunters around who don’t like Moore, it would be very easy for an “accident” to happen in a forest, and Moore does have simple instincts that involve life preservation. So, with all the evidence against him ever being in a forest, to your answer, Joel, I would have to say no.
Richard R. asks:
What is the speed of gravity?
I have wondered if a star were to suddenly disappear, would its gravitational effects on Earth instantly disappear, thus showing that gravity works instantaneously. But, from watching numerous documentaries on the coyote and roadrunner, I’ve seen that many times a coyote may run off a cliff and there is a delay until he starts to fall. This shows that gravity does not have an infinite speed as its effect are not instantaneous as it takes time for gravity to reach an object of mass. So what is the speed? What I did was make a simple experiment where I placed a gerbil in a small centrifuge, subjecting it to four times the force of gravity. I then placed the centrifuge in the microwave and set the power at 50%. The result was that the gerbil exploded after 26.35 seconds. Since I would like to keep this segment accessible to the layman, I’ll just say that the resultant calculations based on that evidence shows conclusively that the speed of gravity is between 8 and 8 billion miles per hour, give or take twenty orders of magnitude.
Paul asks:
Why is two more than one?
This was actually decided by Willy J. Puffypants, one of the main founders of modern mathematics. This was quite similar to when Benjamin Franklin chose to label one direction of electric flow as positive and the other negative. While many think in retrospect that Franklin’s choice was not the best when further knowledge was gained about electricity, most still think Willy J. Puffypants chose most appropriately when he said that two is more than one. I would be remiss, though, if I were not to remind you that one can be greater than two for especially large values of one.
Paul also asks:
What’s up with all the monkey stuff, it makes me and my simian friends a bit nervous..
I hate monkeys and yet they haunt my dreams. I will speak no further of this.
Bill Whittle asks:
Why don’t you DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The answer to this is that I am very wily and quicker than many may think. If you were ever to come after me, Bill, I assure you your next essay would be entitled “Ass Whup’n”, and my beating of you would be extensive enough to give you more than enough material to write 9,000 words about it like with your usual essays.
Finally, Laurence Simon asks:
Is there a Doggy Heaven?
Now, we all know of the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven, but I’m not sure how much research they did before making the title of the film. So, it was up to me to do my own experiments on the subject. So I wrote an e-mail to John Edwards who talks to the dead for his opinion. I got back a form letter saying that Sen. Edwards is not that John Edwards and telling me that I’m a jackass. What a jerk. I hope he wins the primary so he can have a humiliating defeat against Bush in 2004.
Next, I obtained a dog and then stopped his heart, making him technically dead for a minute’s length. I then asked him about his experience, and he bit me. Thus, the experiment was inconclusive.
Finally, I had a lab assistant stop my own heart temporarily. I found myself at the gates of Heaven, and there stood Jesus.
“The time of your judgment has come,” thus spake Jesus, “and now I shall…”
“Sorry to interrupt, Jesus, but I’m only here temporarily,” I informed Him, “You see, Laurence Simon wanted to know if there is a Doggy Heaven, and I knew you’d have the answer.”
“Yes, and the answer is… Wait a second; did you say ‘Laurence Simon’? He’s a Jew, and he’ll just use this information for the Zionist conspiracy.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Hey, I already have enough problem dealing with dead Iraqis since those bagel eating neoconservatives tricked Bush into attacking Iraq.”
“Oh my God, Jesus, you’re like a total anti-Semite!”
“Hey, just because someone raises legitimate questions about whether the Holocaust happened, doesn’t make him an ‘anti-Semite’.”
“How can you be a Holocaust denier? You must have met all the dead people.”
“Yeah, but I think they were lying about how they died as part of their Zionist conspiracy. It’s all so they can oppress the peaceful Palestinians and…”
At this point, Jesus started cracking up, and I knew he was just pulling my leg. “You’re such a rascal, Jesus.”
“I had you going there, didn’t I, though?”
“Yeah. I was thinking, ‘Man, this Jesus is an asshole. I think maybe I’ll become a Buddhist.”
“Sorry, but I just love playing jokes on people. You should see how much I mind-f**k the atheists.”
“Anyway, the question.”
“Oh yes. In answer to your quandary, my child…”
Then I woke back up from the brink of death. Once again, my experiment was inconclusive, but I have to say that Jesus is a fun guy, and I can’t wait for the second coming.
In the end, I’ll just have to go with what popular media says, and, since dogs are such loyal companions to humans, there is a Doggie Heaven and all dogs go to it. One thus must also conclude that there is a Cat Hell and that all cats go to it since they are demon creatures with slit eyes.
Please comment on if you liked this segment. In the future, I plan on answering fewer questions at a time, but I will do these in addition to my normal post of the day. If I didn’t get to your questions this time, don’t worry; I may answer it next time. Until then, e-mail more questions with the subject “Frank Answers”.
I recommend continuing this section….but so help me if you get me fired for laughing like a loon, all Rove’s Demons will not protect you. Great work Frank. In your gravity discussion you did fail to mention NEE (neck elongation effect) which will occasionally appear as the Coyote falls.
i love it frank J, very humerous
o yea, i told Bill Whittle how much i hate him
Excellent segment, Frank. Very funny.
#w00t> xRead ejectejecteject.com/essays/working
xRead connected…ok.
#w00t> list
SALIVA.TXT 53,104
MONKEYS.TXT 101,623
HERESY.TXT 85,523
#w00t> read monkeys.txt
MONKEYS
by Bill Whittle
The world was on fire. The fire was vast, invisible, and all-consuming. The fire was in my nose.
It was summer; a hot, dry summer, the kind of summer that makes you really wish it was spring. Or fall. Maybe even winter. I was a mere ten years old — still an impressionable youth, despite my steely-eyed glare, vast vocabulary, nifty haircut, and vast vocabulary.
While all my close friends were out having fun running from bullies to avoid being beaten with their own slide-rules, I was sidelined by the tragic side effects of an experiment involving an ingestible thesaurus and industrial-strength laxatives.
‘Oh dear god,’ cried every synapse in my pain-fogged brain, ‘please make it stop…’
My parents, taking pity on my condition, decided a trip to the zoo would be an appropriate remedy for my boredom. I’d never been to the zoo; and while I was looking forward to seeing the elephants, giraffes, and wildebeests, I was especially eager to see the monkey house. I had a great fascination with all things simian; chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, gibbons,
#w00t> skip 500
skipping 500 words…
macaques, marmosets, lemurs, and bonobos.
I was prepared for all this, breathless with anticipation, eager to learn more about our closest relatives in the animal world. I was prepared to be underwhelmed by their sub-par vocabularies; but nothing…nothing could have prepared me for the smell.
It was ghastly, horrifying, a piddle wrapped in a fistula wrapped in a smegma. The stuff of Faustian nightmares, Mephistopheles’ own homebrewed tear-gas. It hit my sinuses like a southbound freight train, and I could sense (if not actually hear) individual nerves in my nasal passages overloading and exploding in minute flashes of Cherenkov radiation. Every breath had me pleading, praying, begging to sell my eternal soul for death’s tender mercy.
Why don’t my parents notice? How can they just smile? What ARE they, that they can be immune to this vileness, this putrescence, this
#w00t> skip 2000
skipping 2,000 words…
malodorous miasma, this godawful damned stench?
And I’ve feared and hated monkeys ever since. All monkeys, and those bastards like Frank J who offer aid and comfort to them.
The end.
[note to self: ending needs a bit of polishing.]
#w00t> disconnect
xRead disconnected. Thank buddha.
just kiddin’, Bill.
Be afraid….Be very afraid…
Very funny.
And ‘apotheosis’, that was pretty good writing–very Whittlian/Lilekian. I wouldn’t mind reading the whole thing.
Why the blasphemy?? Don’t you know how stupid you are for making fun of the Lord? You are funny enough without having to resort to this level, you used to make me laugh, now you just make me sick.
Whoa whoa whoa… what was blasphemous? Jesus was just kidding around, and I don’t think I made fun of Him at all.
All references to Jesus being such a prankster were sadly editted out of the Bible. Like the time he was taking the whip after the money changers in the temple. They left out the part where afterwards he said he was just kidding and that he really was a fan of capitalism. Or the times he use to walk on the water and coax others to try, laughing hysterically when the fell in an thrashed about.
BTW as a child I asked Jesus about doggy heaven and he said, “Yes, Ken, they all go to heaven… except yours, he was a bad dog.” Then he burst out laughing.
Your right, Frank, Jesus is a great guy.
The psychic who communicates with dead people is John Edward, not “Edwards”. There’s no S in his name. I love that guy!
Now John Edward is blasphemous.
You shouldn’t make fun of Him, he IS a great guy.
I’ll do an entire post on this when I get home from work, because I don’t like being accused of blasphemy.
What blasphemy? It’s not like you were depicting Him bugging a goat or something. I, for one, firmly believe that He has a great sense of humor.
Exhibit A: He’s been putting up with me for decades.
Great section, Frank, I laughed my eyes out!
One definition of blasphemy as follows:
>
Makes sense and Frank J. is definitely NOT GUILTY.
Frank Answers…
We suppose that we should be all up in Imperial Arms about our Imperial Secretary of War opening up a…
Blasphemy? I sure as hell hope Jesus has a better sense of humor than you do, Martin.
Otherwise, I am so screwed.
This was hilarious, Frank. Especially the Bill Whittle part. He’s a wonderful writer. The bits I’ve skimmed & pretended to read thoroughly, anyway.
“Yeah. I was thinking, ‘Man, this Jesus is an asshole. I think maybe I’ll become a Buddhist.”
“Sorry, but I just love playing jokes on people. You should see how much I mind-f**k the atheists.”
Oh, I’m sorry I was mistaken, this isn’t blasphemous at all, nooo. I’m sure Jesus finds it hilarious Frank. If you don’t give a crap about Jesus then I guess it doesn’t matter.
I love it! More, more, more!!
I’ll have to think of a question….
Blasphemy? Some people just don’t understand satire, Frank.
As a kid, I had a favorite priest whose Sunday homilies were absolutely hilarious. He used satire and humor quite effectively and made people actually want to go to mass. I believe that he could have told a “doggy heaven” story in some context and he certainly would support the theory that Jesus has a sense of humor.
I remember one time (I was about 12) he told a story about someone giving him the finger while he was driving. He caused quite a still when he actually demonstrated the offensive gesture from the altar. Some in attendance gasped. Most of us were rolling on the floor. He proclaimed in his thick German accent “It is only a finger. God made this finger. If he’d shown me something else, then maybe I should get mad.”
But, I’m telling you, to this day I just cannot flip someone the bird. The thought of that jolly priest doing a goofy face and making fun of the PO’ed driver simply makes the gesture seem too ridiculous to attempt. Listening to a thousand fire and brimstone sermons would not have had this lasting influence on me.
Frank certainly didn’t have the fear of God in him when he wrote this, but it was only midly offensive. I still thuroughly enjoyed the piece.
A priest giving the finger IS funny and there ain’t a damn thing blasphemous about it seeing as how catholics aren’t christians anyways, but back to the real meat of the issue, you are a funny funny type guy, so keep the blasphemy at about a zero level because we Americans don’t like it, I don’t know about ya’ll in Monkeyland, but it really isn’t kosher here.
Now Catholics aren’t Christians? Now I’m wondering who is the one who should be getting religiously offended here.
Yup. I grew up hearing that redneck “Caflicks ain’t christians” bullshit from my Southern Baptist grandfather. I don’t know what Martin’s definition is, but Catholics do believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God.
Keep up the great work Frank. I am sure God has a sense of humour. I don’t find this blasphemous because it wasn’t trying to villify God, or to insult Jesus. In fact it highlights just how good a guy Jesus was, and how he would never entertain himself through the suffering of others. In fact, now that I think about it, he was the one doing to the suffering for us…
Catholics aren’t Christians? When’d this happen? Did someone tell the Pope?
Lighten up, people. As far as “so keep the blasphemy at about a zero level because we Americans don’t like it” goes… GET OFF IT DUDE! The comment harmed nobody, actually portrayed Jesus in a way far more relatable to the average person today, and wasn’t even blasphemy in any case. It was a vulgarity. Blasphemy wold be Jesus taking his own name in vain, flippantly damning someone in his father’s name, or some other RELIGIOUSLY DERISIVE COMMENT… idiot.
Please Shalegrey, you don’t put the F word in the Lord’s mouth no matter what you’re doing, that’s an insult and a blasphemy. I’m sure Jesus, as he hung in agony on the cross, was hoping that some day in the future we would all learn to use His name as the brunt of a joke and joking that He’s an a*hole etc. Yeah, he came down from heaven to suffer for our sins, just so we could get a good hearty laugh out of him. As for the catholic thing as not all secret agents are monkeys but some monkeys are secret agents, not all catholics are christians but some christians are not Jesse Jackson.
Catolics aren’t Christians? Martin, the Pope has HATS older than your entire FAITH. We did it first; we did it best. Get over yourself.
Linky Dinks
I’ve been cruising around the Internet this evening, looking for Fritz fodder. Here is some of what I’ve found and worthy of ridicule: I got a chuckle out of this socio-political analysis of the X-men comics that appears on The…
“Blessed are you that weep now, for you shall laugh.” –Luke 6:21b
Come on, lighten up and take a look at John 1: 45-51, where Jesus really does mind-f**k an atheist:
45 Philip then found Nathanael and said, “We have found the one that Moses and the Prophets wrote about. He is Jesus, the son of Joseph from Nazareth.” 46 Nathanael asked, “Can anything good come from Nazareth?”
Philip answered, “Come and see.”
47 When Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward him, he said, “Here is a true descendant of our ancestor Israel. And he isn’t deceitful.” 48 “How do you know me?” Nathanael asked.
Jesus answered, “Before Philip called you, I saw you under the fig tree.”
49 Nathanael said, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God and the King of Israel!”
50 Jesus answered, “Did you believe me just because I said that I saw you under the fig tree? You will see something even greater. 51I tell you for certain that you will see heaven open and God’s angels going up and coming down on the Son of Man.”
Of course Jesus and God have a sense of humor. They made humans didn’t they?
I firmly believe Jesus has more important matters to worry about than if Frank J. implied Jesus might cuss. Besides, He’s probably sitting up there right now saying, “F*ck yah I cuss!”
To add to my post above, the Scholars Version of the Gospels was the result of an effort to retrace the exact words and messages that Jesus spoke, translated into everyday language, and it portrays Jesus as really a pretty satirical and sarcastic guy when he wanted to be. Just take a look at some verses from the Scholar’s Version at this site:
http://members.aol.com/DrSwiney/humor.html
I read IMAO all the time and I love it, I think this Jesus bit is some of the best stuff ever! THat’s totally how I imagine Jesus really being! A joker, and just having fun. Your site is great and I love rumsfeld too.
Some people don’t seem to understand that Jesus was one of us. I mean, the guy ate bread and drank wine with his buddies, and I expect that they talked about lots of things then. I can honestly see him at the bar with the guys, drinking a beer and remarking on how hypocritical we all really are. OTOH, I don’t think Jesus would have used profanity, he wouldn’t have needed it to communicate his ideas. Profanity is often nothing more than an idiots excuse for not knowing enough vocabulary. Painful experiences dont count, that is different.
“As for the catholic thing as not all secret agents are monkeys but some monkeys are secret agents, not all catholics are christians but some christians are not Jesse Jackson.”
So, once again, I implore you to enlighten us heathens why Catholics aren’t necessarily Christians. Please, make with the monosylables, for those of us raised in catholic settings must by complete MORONS for not noticing this earlier. I’m fairly sure they would have dropped this factoid in somewhere during my SEVEN YEARS of Catholic schooling, not to mention another few years of CCD.
As for the rest of it, though I’m not a Catholic anymore, nor a member of any Christian denomination, I respect him enough to see him as a man. Great, noble, and courageous, but ultimately still at least half man, rather than an inviolate icon. Think about it for a moment; he spent his life on this huge mission to save us all with not a moment to really live for himself? Bullshit. I can guarantee you he spent the time between miracles and teaching people how to live right hanging out with his apostles, cracking whatever passed for fart jokes and one liners in that time period. I’d happily bet my soul on it.
So Martin, a Christian BIGOT with distain for Catholics, was offended by this piece? Oh well, you can’t please everybody. I’m just waiting for Frank to say something derogatory about Albanians, ’cause when he does – POW! – I’m going to let him have it! No, I’m not Albanian, but I just love ’em. Can’t explain it.
Do you got that, Frank! Hands off the Albanians!
Dude, I don’t know enough about filthy, smelly Albanians to say anything bad about them.
Damn you Steven Hawking!! He specifically told me that the speed of gravity is “Billy Zabka”. See if I ever read one of his books again. Sheesh.
guddun Frank
My fave was:
“mind-f**k the atheists”
hehehe
I am not a BIGOT, chiefly I am a sinner of the worse kind and Frank J. is a saint compared to me, I just get deeply offended when my Lord and savior is blasphemed. Plain and simple, the bit was blasphemous and there really is no argiuing that. Jesus’s mission on Earth was to save us from our sin’s, he is not ot be made lightly of. He is the Lord of Lord’s and King of King’s, not Bozo the Clown. The Catholic not being christian thing was just a dig at ya Frank. My mom’s is catholic, I was raised catholic and they’re a great bunch of folks. Frank, you’re funny, but I’m pretty sure the Ancient of Days doesn’t find it humorous when his Holiness is taken for granted. Peace.
Okay, Martin. I’ll accept that. I plan to use God and Jesus in satire in the future (as I have before) but I will tread a bit more lightly and no swear words for Jesus.
Martin, you believe in invisable super heros whio live in the sky. So I’d lighten up if I were you.
Actually Superman isn’t invisble, he just looks that way when he flys real fast, and he lives in the Fortress of Solitude, not the sky, you ass.
I’ll bet Jesus spit out his morning coffee in gails of laughter just reading this.
I didn’t mention superman, superdork.
Anus,
You said that I believe in an invisible superhero who lives in the sky, so I assumed you were talking about Superman, sorry my bad. I lightened up when I realised what you were really referring to. Could you tell me about some more things that I believe in? Do I believe in any artificially intelligent Go-Bots that live in caves on Mars? If I do, please let me know because I am morbidly overweight and I need to lighten up a lot!! Thanks.
PEACE — BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
This is the first time I have republished a post, and I hope it will be the last. This really burns me up! Frank, there is still time! Frank, please! Listen to reason. Give peace a chance! PLEASE READ AND…
I think this is the most beautiful website of all they have taken me to. But theres a flaw its to long.
P.S. Sorry!
Gratuitous Pandering for Linkage, a Sonnet to Frank J.
I present, in a blatant attempt to get Frank J. to link to me, a pandering, brown-nosing sonnet: If there were but one perfect site, A treasure to beguile with prose, humor, irony, unfair blows, then here my browser would alight for funny potshots from…
Gratuitous Pandering for Linkage, a Sonnet to Frank J.
I present, in a blatant attempt to get Frank J. to link to me, a pandering, brown-nosing sonnet: If there were but one perfect site, A treasure to beguile with prose, humor, irony, unfair blows, then here my browser would alight for funny potshots from…
HEY! I HAPEN TO LIKE CATS, MAN