You’ve probably heard about the Berkeley study done with your tax dollars on what makes a political conservative. Here are the factors they identified:
* Fear and aggression
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity
* Uncertainty avoidance
* Need for cognitive closure
* Terror management
Funny enough, I had been doing my own study about what makes a political liberal. I think mine was much more efficient, because I traced it to a single factor:
* They’re f’ing morons
As evidence of this finding, just listen to any liberal. Ever read anything from Noam Chomsky? What a dumbass. Ever seen an article in The Nation? You can almost imagine the drool stains on the original copy of whomever wrote it. Heard Michael Moore speak? Than man is fat and ugly! While that doesn’t prove or disprove my theory, he’s also a nitwit, which goes with my findings.
And ever see a bunch of liberals get together for a protest? It’s like a whole gaggle of retards! You almost expect, that with that much stupidity in one area, it will collapse upon itself and from a logic black hole, sucking in all sense that gets near it.
And then there is liberal Hollywood where people are about as dumb as you can be without forgetting to breathe. It’s like that to get into Hollywood you need to take an intelligence test, and they’ll only let you in if it comes up negative.
Then there are liberal congressmen and women. I’ve seen them argue on C-SPAN, and they’re so moronic I want to hit them with rocks (there’s that aggression).
Well, I think my study was pretty thorough on what makes a liberal, but what I really want to find is how to cure it. Liberals seems to protect their idiocy by forming some sort of force field of pure stupidity, a force field so strong that logic can’t penetrate it. What can penetrate it, though, is a large stick. Such an item is known to the scientific community as a “whomp’n stick”.
What I want to find out is if by whomp’n a liberal whenever he says something stupid, can I train him away from liberalism through pure pain avoidance. My theory is that it will cause conservatism as defined by the Berkeley study:
* Fear and aggression – Fear of a whomp’n
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity – “Are you going to whomp me or not?”
* Uncertainty avoidance – “I’ll stay quiet so I don’t get whomped.”
* Need for cognitive closure – “Someone patch up this head wound.”
* Terror management – “I’ll crouch in the corner and be quiet so the scary man doesn’t whomp me.”
So there is the study: will a group of liberal who gets whomped have more converts to conservatism than a control group with no whomp’n.
Ahh… screw the control group; I’m going to whomp ’em both.
Now all I need is millions in a government grant and a stick fit for whomp’n.
Oh, and I’ll need liberal volunteers. The Berkeley scientists from the previous study are sure free to help out in this one.
WHOMP! WHOMP!
You can’t go wrong with Sweetgum for any type of whompin. Tough, resilient, and a little twisted (like any good American), the wood of the sweetgum tree makes for a mighty good stick. Make sure to let it dry before using it or it’ll be too rubbery and you’ll get one of those nasty “boing-oing-oing-oing-oing” effects.
The seed pods are nasty and pointy too, just the thing if your going to cram something nasty and pointy into the beaten liberals.
What could be more patriotic and American than the mighty sweetgum tree?
Wow, that pretty much sums it up. However, short of using a 1911, I have found nothing beats an axe handle or baseball bat to emphasize a point. Let me begin on pursuing the idea of “Fear of a whompin'”…
The Chicago Way
Here in Chicago, we let the police handle liberals, and their whompin stick of choice is a billy club, very effective…or you can go the route of Al Capone:
“I want this [liberal] guy dead! I want his [liberal] family dead! I want his house [bastion of liberalism] burned to the ground! I want to go there in the middle of the night and piss on his [liberal] ashes!”
Ah, I could keep going…it must be the 4 shots of espresso I had this morning–
I volunteer my entire neighborhood. In fact, to please you Frank J, I won’t even ask to smack them upside the head with that thar stick…I’ll just sit back and watch…and enjoy! (doesn’t mean I won’t kick ’em while their down..I AM a conservative afterall!)
STUDY OF LIBERALISM
Inspired by the “study” some Berkeley assbandits did of what makes a conservative, Frank J. has done a study of his own. It’s very scientificy. Go read….
I work in the media. You should swing by my office. I’ll be a research lackey. You don’t even have to pay me as long as I can soften ’em up ‘fore you whomp em.
I read some of that study… Man what a strech. their version of “political conservative” is anyone who resists change, this allows them to include Hitler (fascist), Lenin (Communist), etc. Because once you’re a dictator, you not very likely to support a change in politics.
This makes the study even more fun. In their world you’re beliefs don’t matter, just your political philosophy relative to society:
Lenin Was a liberal, then he got power and didn’t want to lose it, so he became a conservative, just like evil Reagan
Hum, if the definition of Conservative is anyone who resists any change (even changes for the better), does that make a liberal someone who only wants change, even if things are being run perfectly?
So in other words, we conservatives are… human? I think this list describes almost every person on earth, and is just as valid, if not more so, when applied to liberals.
Most liberals dream of a left-wing totalitarian utopia. They can not tolerate dissent, and are willing to use force if necessary to impose their world-view. They like the certainty of state benefits, and god knows they’ve been cognitively close-minded since they morphed into a human-like shape from the monkeys that they really are.
I believe the Libs dumb enough to compare Stalin with Reagan are suffering from a serious lead defiency. I’m pretty sure that 125 grains of lead, injected into the thorax at about 1450 FPS would cure them just fine. Naturally, the fans of the good ol’ punkin roller 1911s find that 230 grains by weight moving somehat slower has an equally curative effect.
Whomp’n stick? Naaah! Ask the Emperor to provide a Clue-Bat. I mean, you are the Minister of War, aren’t you? You should have been issued one!
I read in another blog that a Whomp’n Stick is also known as a Clue-By-Four.
Heh, heh.
WHOMP, WHOMP! Rarr!
Great post, Frank. Seriously funny. I’ve been reading you for the better part of year, and this is up there with the best In My World and the hate mail to Michael Moore.
I believe a group of liberals is called a murder, not a gaggle.
Cancer, but usually it’s a School.
Someone who believes in freedom for individuals to:
– live their own lives
– worship one god, many or none
– build businesses and hire workers
– buy property and keep it for as long as I d*mn well please
= LIBERAL
Someone who believes people should be made to:
– apologize for their own success
– abase themselves before the altar of political correctness
– feel guilty for living in a capitalist society or having a certain skin color
= LIBURL
The building next to the office I work in, is the state democratic party building. Please come by, I’ll be the one in front with an extra stick to help Whomp ’em!
You know, the whompin’ stick idea’s pretty good. And not without precedent. My grandma used to tell me that at her childhood church they used to have people with sticks who would thwack jackasses who talked during services. If we could just wax nostalgic and expand it to the rest of society.
This just proves how much of a narrow-minded conservative you ARE!!! You decide to start “whomping” and the weapon you think of first is….a stick! What a white euro-centrist idea! You really need to overcome these ingrained prejudices!
Instead of a “stick” borrow an idea from our more enlightened persons of color in the Orient…a bamboo rod split along the axis from the handle to the end. This not only makes a really nifty whistling noise as it approaches the target, the splits expand on contact and pinch the skin. Of course to be really effective you’d have to hit them on the posterior instead of the head…oh…wait…hmmmm I guess that’s not really a concern considering where most liberals have their heads located.
The funny thing is, after we have beaten the bejesus out of those of a liberal bent, that they will never ever realize that they are the very first ones that would be enslaved or executed in their utopian world, because no matter how you twist it, human beings are leading, or following, and those with the biggest sticks and the willingness to use them are ususally the ones who are in the lead. I cannot fathom for the life of me, how a person can lose all sense of reality, and actually be moronic enough to believe that total control over ones actions and beliefs is considered utopia. You guys can use your whompin stick, because I am going to use the whole damn tree….what scares me is they are winning. Rome succumbed to the siren song of liberalism, and they were sacked and burned. We are next.
that last piece was me, ibejirou2
well researched definition. This paper’s level of sophistication seems to fit its author nicely into his own definition of a liberal. To spell it out for the liberal who wrote this paper: “you go far to sound stupider than the people you are bashing”
and yes, your paper deserves no response, it is that “liberal.”
I see confederate flags all over this study. Wow you and a lot of the respondents must spend a lot of time watching WWF in between the bible thumping and rightous preaching.
you guys need some serious college education!
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