“I would like to announce I’m now officially running for president,” Rudy Giuliani announced to a cheering crowd of Republicans. “Terrorists came to my city, and now it’s time for me to come after them. The way to do that is to become president.” He held up a blood-stained tire iron. “See the blood on this. I saw someone who looked like a terrorist on the way over here and I beat him to death with this tire iron. That’s how much I hate terrorists. If elected president, I promise to personally kill terrorists. You will constantly see me caked in blood and you can be sure that it will be the blood of terrorists… or possibly panhandlers.”
“Will you also kill hobos?” a Republican asked.
“Only if they panhandle.”
“Killing terrorists is great, but what about your stance on abortion?” said another Republican.
“I understand there is some concern from many Republicans about my support for keeping abortion legal,” Rudy said, “I want you to know that I am not changing my position on that; who I am is who I am, and you should know I won’t change my positions just to help myself politically. But I don’t want people to think I’m some sort of pro-abortion fanatic. To prove that, I’m inviting a pregnant woman to stand next to me.”
A pregnant woman walked on to the stage and Rudy stood next to her, occasionally glancing towards her uncomfortably. “See. I’m perfectly fine not aborting that baby,” he said. “I’m not fanatic.”
“The way you’re looking at her… it kinda seems like you really want to abort that baby,” a Republican said.
“That’s ridiculous.” He shushed the woman away. “Now, I think that should be enough to let conservatives know that it’s okay to vote for me.”
“But what about guns?” a Republican asked. “Don’t you want to take them away from people?”
“That’s absurd. I respect gun rights.”
“But aren’t you taking away that guy’s gun right now?”
Rudy looked down at the gun in his hands he had just taken from someone of the crowd. “I simply took it so I could look at and admire the gun.”
“So why don’t you give it back now?”
Rudy paused for a moment. “Maybe later.” He put the gun in his coat pocket.
“I knew it!” shouted a Republican. “Rudy Giuliani is an abortion-loving, gun-grabbing liberal!”
“Who will personally beat terrorists to death with a tire iron!” Rudy shook his bloody tire iron in the air to applause of the crowd.

“It’s going to be tough to run against Rudy Giuliani,” President Bush told his wife as he turned off the TV. “I better get started on my campaigning now if I want to be reelected in 2008.”
“You can’t reelected in 2008, dear,” Laura told him.
“Oh yeah… because my poll numbers are so low, right?”
Laura rolled her eyes. “Yes, because your poll numbers are so low.”