Archive of entries posted on 14th February 2007

American Idol — Cut to 24 — Dun Dun Dunnnnn

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So here we go. They don’t actually have any singing competitions to get from the cut to 40 that they did last night to the cut to 24 that they’re doing tonight. It’s just something so the 40 kids can get really excited and think they made it, but then for 16 of them, the judges say, “Oh no, not you. Sorry to get you all lathered up for your deluxe pedicure just to tell you that you don’t even get a basic foot rub.”
Sanjaya Malakar. Of course, we know he’s going through. He’s a great voice. Could stand to eat a sandwich, because half of him is split off into his twin sister, but sings well whether he throws up all his meals or not. I kid; no, I’m not starting a rumor that he’s bulimic, I’m just making a joke that he’s skinny, give the poor kid a break. I’m just envious, come on! I’d kill for that fluffy hair, too! Anyway, he’s in.
Anna Kearns is the girl who says she’s 6’13” with heels or something, and I don’t think she’s going to Hollywood. And I’m right, she’s out.
Bernard Williams is someone I’ve never even seen, so I’m thinking he’s out. Yes, he’s out. Someone named Eric Davis is out. All of the contestants who are left are pretending to be sad when the contestants get eliminated, but really in their minds they’re saying, hey, that’s one more slot that’s open for me!
Oh, that makes me sad. Tami Gosnell is out. She’s the pedicab driver from what, San Francisco? Auditioned in Memphis or something? I don’t quite remember, but she was soulful, modest, original, I thought she was one of the better auditions, and definitely one of the better girls. Maybe she didn’t undress enough for the show. Shame on AI. I think I would have voted for her often.
Frank and I are wondering about the opera girl, Rachel Zevita, from New York. She was an early favorite of ours, and we haven’t heard anything of her since her audition. Nothing in Hollywood week that I remember. Her myspace page hasn’t been updated (Frank googled her, no, I’m not stalking her, so shut UP!).
Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer, is staying for the voting. Simon has very nice things to say to her and tells her it was unanimous, and she’s earned her spot at the front of the stage. Hugs and kisses all around. Mwah!
Brandon Rogers, the other backup singer, comes in, and they show his Hollywood week stuff. He is singing that Bryan Adams song about really loving a woman. Um, please keep him. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease. Yay! They’re keeping him!
The contestants so far seem more mature this year than last year. The ones they’re letting through, anyway. I mean voices, not necessarily attitudes. Or whatever. I’m judging before the first commercial break. Shut up SarahK. Shut UP!

Continue reading ‘American Idol — Cut to 24 — Dun Dun Dunnnnn’ »

The Horrible Truth About The SLC Mall Massacre.

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Well, if you haven’t gone to Little Green Footballs yet, you’re probably unaware of the horrible truth about the Salt Lake City Mall Massacre
The Mainstream Media are suppressing this information, and even Wikipedia’s article on Sulejman Talovic is ripe with head-in-the-sand dhimmitude on the one bit of information you need to know to put it all into perspective…

Continue reading ‘The Horrible Truth About The SLC Mall Massacre.’ »

In My World: The Not That Odd Couple

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“The Democrats and the terrorists have never agreed on anything,” Representative John Murtha told the press, “Well, we both think that the Iraq war was a mistake, we oppose America acting unilaterally, we hate President Bush and everything he stands for, and we use troop deaths as an indication that our views are correct – but other than all that, we Democrats and the terrorists are complete opposites on everything. That is until today when we’ve come together to oppose Bush’s new troop escalation.”
“Bush is an infidel and a joooo!” the terrorist next to Murtha shouted.
Murtha chuckled. “Exactly. That why the terrorists and I have come up with a plan to finally end the war in Iraq. I call it the ‘slow-bleed’ strategy. At home, we Democrats will use our legislative powers to limit the number of troops available for Bush’s war. In Iraq, the terrorists will use their guns and bombs to also limit the number of troops available. Together, we’ll make sure that eventually there will be no troops in Iraq.”
The press was stunned silent. One reporter finally said, “Uh… I’m from the New York Times, and even I think that might be treason.”
“Treasonous like a fox!” Murtha said.
“New York is full of joooos!” the terrorist added.
Another reporter stepped forward. “I’m Melinda Hawkish from FOX News, and I have a question for the terrorist.”
“What is it, filthy harlot?” the terrorist asked.
Melinda pulled out a gun and shot the terrorist in the kneecaps. She then took out a package of uncooked bacon and began shoving it into the terrorists mouth. “You want bacon? You want bacon?”
“That’s unnecessarily combative!” Murtha shouted.
Melinda dropped the bacon. “Well, the only other questions FOX News is allowing me to ask are about Anna Nicole Smith.”
“This press conference is over!” Murtha said. “Death to America!”

Somewhere in Iraq, Buck the Marine was watching the news on TV with fellow Marines. “You ever get the feeling some of the America people and politicians don’t support us?” Buck asked.
“It’s not like they want us dead,” Gomez said. “They just want us to lose and be humiliated.”
“I thought I once heard that Murtha was a Marine,” Johnson said.
“That’s just a lie the enemy put out there to demoralize us,” Buck responded. “Don’t believe a word of it.”

… because Shick wasn’t willing to license razorblade gum?

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I saw this on Gizmodo:


That’s right. LEGO snack treats. Because nothing says love like teaching your kids the fuzzy, choking hazard barrier between food and fun.
According to the product page:

Kosher Status
Not Certified

Folks, it doesn’t take a rabbi to tell you that these things ain’t Kosher.
This got me to thinking about Dangerous Snacks For Kids, teaching them to stick various hazardous objects into their mouths, and the first thing to come to mind was “Light Socket Lollipops.”
Anybody out there as sick as me willing to give this challenge a shot? The comments are open.

Ask Dr. Duck: Valentines Edition

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It has come to my attention that many IMAO readers will be celebrating Valentine’s Day alone. This is not something to mock. It’s never nice to mock losers.
So let me offer my advice.
Are you trying to woo a certain someone?
Are you having relationship problems?
I have answers. I’ve been happily married for 9 years. Of course, that involves 11 different wives, but 9 years is 9 years. So – HAH!!!
I’m sure you have questions.
Q: Is this one of those Ask Dr. Duck segments where you sit back and watch people fall over themselves to ask questions and then you ignore them?
A: Normally, yes. But it’s Valentines Day and you’ve had enough time being ignored.
Q: Are you sure?
A: (Dr. Duck ignores this stupid question)
Q: But I’m happily involved in a relationship. I don’t really have any questions.
A: Technically speaking, that wasn’t a question.

Q: Sigh. Should I post a question even if I’m happily involvedi n a relationship?
A:. Yes! Because relationships could end at any moment. It could be ending right now!! Even as we speak, your boyfriend or girlfriend could be holding a press conference declaring themselves to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
Q: I don’t know if I should post a question. You really don’t give very good advice.
A: Look behind you, your significant other is giving a press conference right now! (Made you look.)
**
Answers will be posted later today!
BTW, in case my wife is reading this, I’ve been married 9 years to one lovely woman. Stop honey, don’t go to that press conference!!!