Finally we have arrived at the voting rounds in the Idol studio. Thank goodness. And tonight is a 2-hour Idol. Two hours! The girls tomorrow night, and Thursday night two girls and two guys go home. We wittle them down fast now.
Ryan asks Randy about all the heat he’s been taking this season for being so hard on contestants. Randy says he’s just being more honest, and Ryan asks if he’s just been lying all along. SarahK says yeah, dawg. Yeah. Paula’s gonna have to be all more supportive and stuff, uh huh, and more happy seal clappy, yes. Ryan asks Simon if all of the Grammys, #1 hits, plus Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar nod put more pressure on the contestants because the show is more valid blah blah blah… Simon says “Yes.” Ryan was hoping Simon would expound, so he asks how the contestants should navigate the scary, raging American Idol river of pressure or some equally bad metaphor. Simon says, “Sing well.” Yes, I agree, Simon, let’s get to it, shall we?
Oh, my insides are all torn up. Y’all don’t ever get diseases of the small intestine, ok? Not fun, dawg. Not fun.
After the break, the guys get to share share share their audition memories. Rudy Cardenas says that being a professional musician means eating Ramen noodles & mac & cheese. So not for celiacs, then?
IDOLS 01… Rudy is singing “Free Ride”, and the first several bars are completely unintelligible. Completely. In fact, I can’t tell what he’s singing until he says “come on and take a free ride”. After the chorus, I again can’t tell what he’s singing. It was campy, there was very little charisma, and come on. This is your one shot to show America who you are, and you come out here and sing a boring, overdone song that they play on TV commercials every five minutes? Terrible song choice, no enunciation, an awful bore. Ok, so he blew it. Unless someone else totally tanks, I think he’s out.
After the break, Chris Sligh says that tonight is all about the guys looking pretty. Ryan is all, “Ok, you stay over there…” (so I can join you later…) Ryan is so in love.
IDOLS 02… Brandon Rogers is the one who sang backup for Christina and Usher and others, and now he’s ready to take the spotlight. Ok, when the lights come up he’s already singing, which is weird, and he’s singing all slow and low, and I think he’s going for a sultry effect, but really I’m just confused yet waiting for something big. Then the tempo picks up, and he is singing “I Wanna Rock with You”. He’s on pitch the whole song, that’s fine. Smooth, velvety voice. Enunciation is way better than that guy who went first (too forgettable to name, and it would require scrolling for me to find the name for you… Well, yes, I do realize I could have scrolled in the time that I typed all this about scrolling, but see my hands and wrists didn’t have to move for me to keep typing). Very warm, charming, sexy. Yes, woohoo, but I have to say, I was incredibly underwhelmed by his entire performance. I kept waiting for him to bust out and start belting some notes into the atmosphere. I felt like the song was pitched too low for him. I hope I’m not detecting a Studdardesque laziness in him. Eh, I think he’ll stay, but for me it wasn’t vote-worthy. He’ll be safe on his smile alone, though.
Archive of entries posted on 20th February 2007
Dog Bites Man; Muslims Are Offended; Americans Want to Win
The Drudge Report has results of a poll showing that Americans want to win in the war in Iraq like that’s something surprising. Of course we want to win. That’s why we’re Americans. By definition we want to win. If we didn’t want to win, we wouldn’t be Americans. If anyone wants to lose, he should move to Europe (I’d say Canada, but that’s too close for a loser to be to America).
I can’t see how any of that is controversial.
BTW, I know the phrase “Muslims are offended” isn’t as oft used as “Dog bites man” as an example of a non-story, but I was just noticing how you can add that phrase to the end of any news headline and it won’t look out of place. E.g.:
* Smith’s lover testifies on burial plans; Muslims are offended
* ‘Miracle baby’ homecoming delayed; Muslims are offended
* Cisco says 77 of its routers open to ‘drive-by pharming’; Muslims are offended
Not only does it look in place at the end of any story, it’s probably also true.
Burial
Q) With all the headlines and breaking news over the court battle to determine who has custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse, whipping every branch of the media into celerity news mode madness, what’s the one thing that should be buried that nobody’s rushing to bury?
The War in Iraq: Worse than Vietnam But Not as Bad as the Carter Administration
Not sure what to make of all this data, but I was alerted to it by an e-mail Jonah Goldberg received and posted in The Corner. There’s a site that has military statistics including casualties. If you look at data going from 2004 to 1980, the amount of military deaths in each of the past few years were less than that in 1980 (actually, the early eighties were the worst in recent times due to a much higher accident rate).
BTW, if you want to compare Vietnam versus the war in Iraq, here’s Vietnam military casualties and casualties from Operation Iraqi Freedom (and here’s from Operation Enduring Freedom just because no one ever brings that one up).
And, for historical purposes, here’s the official record for all American wars.
Make of it what you will.
People Who Disagree with Me Should Be Rounded Up and Put into Camps
An Editorial by Frank J.
Many people disagree with me. Some of those people even live in this great nation of ours. I call these disagreeable people “liberals.” Usually I find these people entertaining for they would walk around and say their crazy things and then I would throw stuff at them (often batteries) and laugh. But, in this time of war, there are more important things than laughing at people and throwing stuff at them. Plus, I need to save the batteries for emergency purposes if terrorists attack. These liberals only get in the way in time of war and make our troops and, more importantly, me angry. The many stupid dumb things they say only make this country worse. So we should round them up and put them into camps.
“Right now they act like they don’t want to go to camp, but, by the end of summer, they’ll be begging to stay.”
You’re probably saying, “Frank, you can’t just round up everyone who disagrees with you and put them in camps.” You are right. I need your help to do this. There are many people who need to be rounded up and they are not very bright and will be easily confused, so getting all these people rounded up will require many people, time, and patience. Plus, we will need trucks or something to bring these people to the camps after the rounding up. Alternatively, we’ll need large crates and postage.
“But won’t the liberals not like being rounded up and put in camps? Haven’t they been whining about that possibility for some time.” True, but you know how these people are. Right now they act like they don’t want to go to camp, but, by the end of summer, they’ll be begging to stay. Which is good because they’ll be in camp forever. Also, anyone who tries to escape will be shot in the face as is standard practice.
Camp will be great fun, too. They will have swimming, badminton, and macaroni art. They will also make wallets which you can buy. For those of you who are saying, “But I don’t want my money in anything those liberals touched!” that’s a bad attitude. Please support the camp because liberals tried hard to make these wallets. One activity in the camp was going to be reeducation, but then I saw how dumb liberals are and decided reeducation would be too hard. Instead of reeducation, there will be a three-legged race.
So where should the camps be? I don’t know, as I’m not good with geography. All I know is that I don’t want them near me because liberals whine a lot and I don’t want to have to hear that when I’m on my back porch smoking a cigar. Also, it could cause my dog to bark. Again, I’m not good with geography, so I’m not sure where not near me is. Someone who has a map should look up where I am and then not put the camps there.
This is a great plan that you should support. In this time of war, other countries will see America united together because everyone who doesn’t unite will be in camps. This will scare other countries and their leaders will pee themselves in public venues. The troops will be happy because everyone in America will support them and their mission because, once again, those who don’t support them will be in camps. Also, the troops will have new wallets.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “People Who Disagree with Me Should Be Hit with This Book” which is now available in hardcover edition.
I Just Have to Ask
If the issues behind global warming are scientific and indisputable, then why is the main proponent of combating it a below average student who majored in English and government? I mean, I once owned a barometer, so, by these standards, I’m over-qualified to talk about climatology.
BTW, I should tell you that, if we try to combat climate change, WE WILL ALL DIE! This isn’t a political issue; it’s a moral one… so don’t argue with me or you’re immoral.
Soon To Be Eaten By A Very Angry Rottweiler
Senator John McCain recently criticized Donald Rumsfeld’s handling of the Iraq War, saying “I think that Donald Rumsfeld will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history.”
Jimmy Carter’s SECDEF Harold Brown was reportedly thrilled at the prospect of having his picture moved up a notch on the Wall of Shame.
So why exactly IS Captain Combover so pissed at Rummy?
I have several theories…:
- Frank J. never wrote an In My World featuring McCain’s dog – “Yips: The World’s Annoyingest Poodle”.
- Unlike McCain, Rumsfeld favors abortions – as late as the 300th trimester for terrorists.
- Amongst his other blunders in Iraq, Rumsfeld gave Iraqis MORE freedom of speech during the 60 days preceeding an election.
- Jealous of Rumsfeld’s ability to remove a human spine with one lightning-fast, yet seemingly casual, hand gesture.
- While McCain was filibustering in the Senate, Rumsfeld was filibustering Mrs. McCain.
- Next to Rumsfeld’s pile of strangled terrorists, reporters, and Democrats, McCain’s pile of strangled Tickle-Me-Elmos just looks kinda sad.
- Thanks to Rumsfeld, McCain’s “Gang of 14” has become known as the “Gang of beaten-up lunch-money hander-overers”
- Although “Gang of the wedgied” is becoming the increasingly common term.
- Rumsfeld kept popping out of random closets and yelling “Torture!”, just to watch McCain flinch.
- A little miffed about Rumsfeld’s plan to invade Arizona and steal its illegal immigrants.
- Two words: Hairline Envy
Any other possibilities?
With Our Nation’s Socialists In Charge…
With the Democrats in charge of the the congress I was worried about some serious stuff.
I was worried they’d try to cut and run out of Iraq.
I was worried they’d molly coddle up with socialist dictators.
I was worried they’d badmouth the president from foreign soil and at home. And they didn’t disappoint.
But at least now with the democrats in charge, and if Barbara Boxer has her say, the planes will run on time.