Ryan is trying to lie and say that there was a good start to the competition last night. Lie. Ur.
After the recap, Ryan starts in being a complete pinkytoe to Simon. And now starts the Seacrest Simon Smoochy Hour. Ryan is picking and picking and picking, trying to get Simon to admit that Chris Sligh got under his skin. Listen, Miss Seacrest. I’ll tell you how I saw it, and I am the Lovely and Talented SarahK, so after I make my judge’s ruling, you can shut your piehole and remember that you’re just the host and not the talent. If you don’t chill out (because really, something has got stuck in yer craw, as we say in Texas upon occasion), I’m going to accuse Joy Behar (a talentless hack) of being able to take you in a witting contest with half her comedy tied behind her back, and that idiot is a one-joke pony (Dick Cheney is evil! Halliburton did it! Duh-hur-hur!! Ba-dum-ching!). Anyway, listen up, Seacrest. You were trying to take Cowell to your girly mat because you wanted to know about random college singings, and Simon told you to put a sock in it. You kept badgering him and annoying me. Chris, the long-forgotten judgee, whose judging time you were usurping with your inanity, said, “hey guys, remember me? Il Divo and Teletubbies!” and Simon stopped arguing with you for half a second. it looked like he was ticked off at you for forgetting your place and getting him off his rhythm, because had you kept quiet during the Simon Segment, Simon would have been able to come up with something razor-sharp to counter with. Instead, he had to settle for the butter knife that made fun of Chris’s weight. But hey, Chris asked for it. After that, Simon stopped talking.
Get OVER yourself, Miss Ryan. Love ya.
On to the girls.
IDOLS 01… Stephanie Edwards is first. She looks pretty in a purply blue and brown knee-length dress. Hmm, I didn’t really critique the boy clothing last night, did I? Well, except Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim, who needs shoes. She sounds really good. Has great stage presence, is owning the stage. I would have hoped for a better song than this. “How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore” by Alicia Keys. Nice run at the end. She barely made that last note, I mean she crawled toward it like Seacrest toward a snappy comeback, and she only squeaked by. But she really came out swinging and didn’t go safe like the safety guys of Tuesday night. That last note really hurt my ears, though. Especially on the replay. I think I’ll vote for her. Randy loved her even though she was pitchy dawg but can learn from it. Paula says she’s a star. Simon says she’s better than everything, better than the guys last night (who all clap and nod and smile and pretend that they’re happy for her), better than herself, better than sex and chocolate and Paula’s vodka and unicorns and definitely better than Seacrest. Simon thought it was a good song choice. I disagree, but whatever. She sang it mostly well.
Archive of entries posted on 21st February 2007
For the Record: That Murderous Reynolds
There has been a bit of controversy over a post the puppy blender wrote in which he suggested the U.S. government secretly assassinate Iranian nuclear scientists and radical mullahs. One columnist even called on Glenn Reynolds to be fired from the University of Tennessee.
I’ve just sort of just sat back and watched being so perplexed by it all, but I would like to now go on record as saying I think this is a bunch of manufactured outrage. Of course, I’m for the U.S. government killing foreigners whenever they feel like it, so I’m especially for killing evil foreigners.
Also, if you look at Reynolds’ usual writing which all has the subtext of hobo murdering and Satan worship, his post about assassinating Iranians was actually his least evil post in some time. Any reasonable person would agree.
The Ten Plagues Of Paris
Giant swarms of hornets are invading France, and the French are blaming global warming while working up terms of surrender.
Yesterday, there was concern that it may not take long before the Asian hornet makes its way to Britain.
“There’s no doubt that these hornets are heading north and will probably find their way to Britain at some point,” said Stuart Hine, manager of the Insect Information Service at London’s Natural History Museum.
“Climate change certainly means they can cope with European summers. However, they would still have difficulty coping with our winter frosts.”
Leave it to the French to overlook the obvious cause of this plague of hornets…
My Idol Thoughts
Last night I was out of beer. So I did the next best thing to numb my brain – I watched American Idol.
At this point in the game, I don’t have too many favorites, but a few of them stand out enough for me to mention.
Phil Stacey: I know SarahK and some of the other ladies don’t like this guy much. Why? Because he went off to the Idol auditions while his wife was busy giving birth to their child. Personally, I don’t have a problem with this. At the risk of sounding old-fashioined, I believe that birthing babies is “women’s work.” I know, I know: A good husband should be there for the birth, and the afterbirth. But given a choice between following my dreams and watching 10 pounds of (Self censored because Ducky is shivering from the memories of the placenta coming out). I would choose American Idol.
Besides, American Idol has everything a delivery room has – The encouraging words, the screaming, the use of heavy drugs. And that’s just Paula Abdul.
Phil was a great singer. He started off weird. But then again, so did a lot of the guys. Most American Idol men struggle with the lower registers as many of them are more comfortable singing in the higher registers. What’s that called – castrato? I forget.
Phil really brought the song home once he got going. Plus, that bald head reminds me of that Alien guy from the Flintsones. What was his name? Kazoo?
Nick Pedro: Another guy I really liked was Nick Pedro. I love this guy’s story. I mean he quit last year for good reasons. I mean, what man wants to get on stage and sing Buttercup. Please. But it tortured him to wonder what his life could have been like. I identifiy with Nick. It’s hard to wonder about what could have been. A long time ago, Frank J. offered me the chance to write at IMAO. I always wondered what would have happened had I said yes.
Nick has a great voice. His song sucked and it was boring. Actually, I take it all back. He sucked.
Screw you Nick Pedro for making me type this for no reason.
Paul Kim. SarahK noticed the same thing i did. You sing Careless Whisper and you’re doing those stupid “yo, check this” gang-hip hop gestures? Why not just pull out a gun. That would be cool.
Paul Kim Singing:
I’m never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
(Smoothly pulls out gun and shoots at audience)
Bang – Bitch!
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
Tonight the girls sing. I like to hear a lot of the lady singers. Ironically, many of them have deeper voices than the men. This should should be interesting.
Yeah, We’re Great
I’ve seen a number of references in the blogosphere to this short ad entitled “A World Without America” by some British group. People seem to like it, but for some reason I find it off-putting. Actually, I guess I feel that way whenever a foreign national heaps gushing praise on America. I don’t know why, but I just do.
Post About Clear Movie Titles
Jim Treacher over at The Daily Gut posts a movie trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun, a move about a hobo who obtains a shotgun. While this is a trailer for a fictional movie, I like the idea of movies that state their premise clearly in their title, like Snakes on a Plane. Too many Hollywood people want to get all artsy and poetic with titles when we just want to know what the move is actually about without having to read reviews by pompous movies critics. Were Hobo with a Shotgun an actual movie, it would probably end up with some artsy obscure title like Reynold’s Nightmare.
Now, what was the biggest blockbuster of all time? Star Wars. People saw that title and was like, “Hey! I bet that movie has wars in the stars! Let’s see that!” and thus history was made. Were the movie to come out today, for the title they’d probably take some obscure line from the movie and try to conflate it to what the entire film is about, like The Fool Who Follows. No one would go see it.
And what’s my favorite movie? The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly – and that’s exactly what the movie was about. The only way it could be clearer would be to add the subtitle “They’re All After Gold!”
Let’s look at last weekend: What was the number one movie? Ghost Rider. Seems to be a movie about a ghost who rides; might be interesting. Another movie that came out was Bridge to Terabithia. Wha? Why would I want to see that? All I it sounds like I’ll see is some bridge and a place called Terabithia which could be in Europe for all I know. I’ll pass, thank you.
Clear titles clearly make better movies. If I made a movie, I’d title it Pirate Pete’s Adventures in Pirate Land: A Movie About Pirates. No guesswork needed to know what you’d be getting. So let’s try and make some other movies better by giving them clearer titles:
CLEARER MOVIE TITLES
Casablanca -> African Bar with Nazis
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? -> Fugitive Singing Stars
RashÙmon -> Unreliable Witnesses
Good Will Hunting -> Janitor Math Genius
Reservoir Dogs -> Bank Robber Flashback Fun
Million Dollar Baby -> Girly Boxing Tragedy
The Shawshank Redemption -> The Great Rape Escape
The Silence of the Lambs -> Professor People-Eater
Chinatown -> The Private Eye in the Case of Secret Incestuousness
Sling Blade -> Potato-Eating Killer Man
Jacob’s Ladder -> The Wacky Dreams of a Dying Vietnam Vet
Magnolia -> Crazy Interweaving Story Time
Blade Runner -> Killer Android Attack
Gone with the Wind -> Did That Guy Just Swear?!
Brokeback Mountain -> Gay Cowboys in Search of Oscars
Brazil -> Huh? What Was That Crap?
An Inconvenient Truth -> Someone Pay Attention to Me! Please!
What are your favorite clear movie titles and what movies titles do you think could use improving?
Explain This Picture
a) Analogous to the way the evil undead cringe at the sign of the holy cross, the decent and living have a visceral reaction when confronted by the liberal news media.
b) Condi tries out for the 25th Anniversary Celebrity All-Star Thriller Tribute Video.
c) CNN hates black people.
[Pic found at Musings from Brian J. Noggle]