It’s Friday, so it’s time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week’s different… this week we’re going to start a new feature called:

WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?
And it’s an extra-special edition! Mahmoud and thug-in-chief Ismail Haniyeh the Hamasshole are hanging out in the granddaddy of all mosques – in Mecca!
So, from Mahmoud Abbas’ expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?
Is it:

a) To know who has their hand up his ass, and what’s their phone number.

b) To stop chanting TOGA! with the rest of the guys and go find some girls.

c) For the embargo to end so he doesn’t have to wear his Depends inside-out every other day.

d) For Ismail to quit telling him to hold that thing to his head and hear the sound of dying, screaming infidels.
Oh… wait…

He can hear them!

e) A semi-private changing room on the way back.
or
f) NONE OF THE ABOVE!
Put your guesses in the comments.

Dear John Edwards,
Pick me to be your blogwhatever because I really don’t want the job. Really. Am I using reverse psychology, how could I? I am southerner just like you. Really.
I am opposed to using cursing/profanity to express my opinions. I am smarter than that. See I know a lot of words with more than four letters which aren’t pejorative (naughty). So I doubt you’ll ever find any profanity attributed to me on any of the internets. (Like you know anything about the internet other than what your wife or kids has told you, HAH!) So you’d be hard pressed to cause a stir among left or right wingers.
See? I have my smug self-righteousness about not cursing, that gives us common ground right there.
I can help you get in touch with the religious left, assuming they exist, because I suspect they probably go to church somewhere. I know what church buildings generally look like and can coach you on proper decorum (how you act) while in one.
I could show you how the middle class lives. We shop at places with ‘mart’ and ‘mall’ in the titles. We eat food that comes wrapped in paper. We live in houses that measure 4 digits, in square feet and not 5.
That’s all I’m going to say about my qualifications because like I said, I really, really don’t really want the job. Really.
spacemonkey
P.S. Unless it pays well enough to get a 5 digit square foot house. Then I’m in for the big win, baby!

First Anna Nicole passed away leaving behind a sweet 5 month old girl.
Who’s the Daddy?
Howard K. Stern said, “I’m the proud father.”
Larry the Photographer said, “No, dude, it’s me.”
Now,
Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Ex-Husband says, “Hmm. Might be mine, too.”
Fox Entertainment brings you a new reality show…
No, Wait. I Am Anna Nicole’s Baby Daddy!!!
If you think you qualify, you can joing the other contestants and lay your claim to daddyhood and potential riches.

I think ex-Senator Edwards should pick me to run his blog instead of that anti-Catholic man-hating nutcase.
After all, don’t Jews mostly vote for Democrats?
And based on his robust and thorough vetting process for prospective employees, the fact that I’m Jewish should mark me as a die-hard loyalist to the Leftist cause.
Now where’s my login and paycheck?
(Gotta watch those Astros, you know.)

I saw how Harvey and RightWingDuck are trying to get Amanda Marcotte’s job as John Edwards’ blogmaster. I’d hate to see my bloggers get paid more, so I’ll offer my considerable blogger skills to John Edwards. I may not be a screeching harpy, but I get the job done.
As you all know, I’m both clean and articulate – something that can’t be said of current Edwards’ current hire. While I’ve traditionally held views opposed to those of John Edwards, that can be changed for the right money. Watch how dedicated to progressive causes I can sound if I apply myself:

Hello people’s of the two Americas. I want you to know that I, Frank J., support John Edwards for president. That’s because he’s right on the important issues we face today. He’ll always stand firm for abortion, the most essential right for knocked up sluts. Some of you godbags may not share that view, but, if you’re not a knocked up slut yourself, can you really empathize?
BTW, by “godbag” I mean you’re all “bags of God” which is a good thing… so don’t get your panties in a bunch you filthy whore godbags!

See, just enough spite to rile up the Kwazy Kos Kids while not being quite as eating-your-own-feces crazy as a certain Amanda Marcotte. That’s worth good money, John Edwards, and you should consider it. You know where to contact me.

Now that Amanda Marcotte is officially staying as the Team Edwards blogger, it’s safe to say that John Edwards is a man of very low standards. That’s why he should choose a blogger from IMAO!!

I know what you’re thinking: “But, Ducky, you’ve always hated and mocked John Edwards and his Breck-girl girly ways!”
That’s true. But when I said

“If John Edwards were President, the Muslims would stream across the border, race right past the wets, and f&Ck ol’ Johnny righ the @ss. And he would probably like it.”

I really meant that in a playful, satirical, non homobophobic manner.
John Edwards has a lot of fine qualities…
Environment: Sure John Edwards lives in a 28,000 square foot mansion, but he cares about the enviroment. In fact, when servants need to get from one side of the house to the other, he encourages them to use Public Transportation.
Equal Rights: Mr. Edwards believes in equal rights and equal access for the sexes. His home features and His AND hers hair salons.
Affordable Housing: The Servants’ Wing of his home falls into the low income zip codes. This wing features lower taxes while the other parts of his city features amazingly high taxes for the wealthy.
Man of the people: John Edwards legal address is still in the Servants’ Wing.
Global Warming: The earth is getting warmer. And what is John Edwards doing about it? He’s running his air conditioning non-stop. He literally is willing to air condition the whole neighborhood.
Terrorism: Wheras crazy right wingers believe that terrorists should be killed and their entrails fed to pigs, Mr. Edwards believe in more diplomatic solutions. Solutions include Sleepovers At My House where Al Queda operatives gather round, tell stories, paint fingernails, and then have pillow fights over territorial issues.
Immigration and friendliness: The other day, he was golfing with some friends and a family of illegals were making their way across the course. He offered them a ride in his stretch golf-cart. When he crashed into a tree, he helped the family by suing the golf club and their board of directors. **
**
So there are a lot of good qualities to John Edwards and I think he should choose me, or any other of the other IMAO bloggers, to be one of his other official bloggers.

Do you want more money? Of course, we all do. Well, I’m here to tell you that you can make money for something you’ve been doing for free: Denying global warming.
I heard how President Bush was paying off scientists to deny global warming, and I started wondering, “How can I get in on this money making opportunity?”
So, I went to the Forecast Channel on my Nintendo Wii the other night and recorded the temperatures of major cities in the U.S. Then, the next afternoon, I went back and recorded the temperature of those same cities. I noted the increase in all those temperatures and wrote a paper showing that so much warming in such a brief period of time was conclusive evidence of global warming.
Hours later, I get a phone call. It’s President Bush. “Frank,” he said, “would $10,000 help you rethink your position on global warming.”
I didn’t want to sound like a chump, so I said, “I don’t know. I really really believe in global warming.”
“Well… how does $20,000 sound?”
“It sounds like I need to review my research,” I said.
And look what I have now:

You better jump on this money making opportunity now before it gets shut down.
Also, I should mention that there is no such thing as global warming. Globes don’t warm, and only stupid people without big checks would think otherwise.

I was shocked and dismayed to discover that John Edwards is keeping Amanda Huggenkiss Culottes Marcotte as his blogger of record, despite the fact that her personal blog is saturated with the kind of embarrassingly foul-mouthed screeds that make German boys fly into screeching, frothy hissy fits.
Personally, I think keeping Marcotte was a bad decision for Edwards. Not only because she’s an unbalanced lunatic who will most likely boil Edwards’ bunny someday, but because she’s just not really in tune with the values of his campaign.
I, on the other hand, am completely congruent with the message Edwards wants to send. I think he should fire that stupid cow (See? I didn’t swear!) and hire me on as his official blogger because I’m ever so much more qualified for the position:

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• I’m pro-choice. I believe that every woman has the right to decide whether or not to have fries with that.
• I believe in higher taxes. In fact, I’ve been after Frank for YEARS to start paying his co-bloggers in dollars instead of empty promises, which would allow me to pay more in taxes than I do now. How am I supposed to pay more taxes without Frank’s money?
• We need to strengthen affirmative action. I’ve also been hounding Frank to hire Michele Malkin as an IMAO writer, since she’s both Asian AND a woman. Quota-wise, that’s even better than hiring a black guy. Plus we don’t have to put up with all the annoying “Yo! Yo!” this, and “shizzle-dizzle” that.
• I want stricter campaign finance laws to lower the influence of corrupt corporate money. We should expand the “no campaign ads” ban from 60 days to 90 days before an election, or even longer if that’s what it takes to keep those things from annoying me during NFL pre-season games.
• Yeah… I watch pre-season football. And I miss the XFL, too. Wanna make something of it? Maybe we should step outside!
• I favor abolishing the death penalty. Except for crimes in which the perpatrator’s guilt is unquestioned, like lying about the reasons for going to war. Which means Bush is a dead man. And, technically, Pelosi, Gore, Kennedy, Byrd, Kerry, and both Clintons. But if that’s what it takes to bring Bush to justice, I’m willing to pay the price.
• I favor higher education standards. No one should be allowed to graduate from high school without being able to read Why Mommy Is A Democrat.
• I think euthanasia should be legalized. Americans have a Constitutional right to die. And I think Constitutional protections should be extended even to non-citizens, like Gitmo detainees and terrorists. We must help them exercise this precious right.
• Gay marriage should be legalized. Gay couples have the right to form happy, loving families just like hetero couples, because their adopted/stolen/black-market babies need the support and stability of married parents. So… gay marriage – yes… gay divorce – no.
• People don’t kill people, guns kill people. And if I can’t use my guns to kill the people on my enemies list, then no one else should have a gun either. I’ll just have to find another way to kill that creepy Burger King guy.
• I don’t think anyone should have to pay for health care – everyone should get it for free. Of course, greedy doctors think otherwise, and would unpatriotically refuse to work if they didn’t get paid. But let’s be honest, medicine is not so complicated that it couldn’t be done by a random homeless person, who – in exchange – would move in with their patients in lieu of cash payment. Everybody wins!
• Stop wasting money guarding the borders. We need a good supply of illegal immigrants in case we run out of homeless guys to staff our hospitals.
• When it comes to women’s rights in the workplace, I’m in favor of giving them anything they want as long as they promise to stop discussing feminine hygiene issues when I’m around. EWWWW!
• The only way to properly support our troops is to bring them home. And while we’re doing that, we should probably go ahead and give the terrorists a lift, too, since – with the troops gone – they’ll be headed to our shores pretty soon, anyway.

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But my biggest qualification is that, like Zach Braff, I have a permanent case of bed-head, so I will NEVER upstage the important-lookingness of John Edwards’ pretty, pretty hair.

Some students at San Francisco State University got in trouble for desecrating the name of Allah when what they thought they were doing were desecrating the flags of the terrorists organizations Hamas and Hezbollah. Unbeknownst to the students, those flags have the name “Allah” written on them in some sort of chicken scratch.
Now, many Muslims have claimed that terrorists are the ones desecrating Islam by invoking its name with their murder, so shouldn’t they also be coming out here demanding Hamas and Hezbollah remove the name of Allah from their crummy flags? Aren’t they the true offenders and not the college students? Come on, Muslims, I know you’re out there; demand Hamas and Hezbollah right these wrongs so we can stomp on their flags in peace.

I saw a Budweiser truck this morning and noticed it’s slogan is “Crisp. Clean. Refreshing.”
What?!
Do they have Joe Biden doing their advertising now? Why would they imply other beers are dirty? Or are they patronizing Budweiser by implying we don’t expect lagers to be “clean” like we do of ales?

…but I don’t really get this airplane “scandal” with Speaker Pelosi. I’ve been ignoring it since it first broke just because it sounded boring, but my understanding is that all Pelosi wanted was to fly across country without having to stop to refuel… something thousands of people do everyday. The only complication seems to be that the military would fulfill this request in an absurdly expensive way… as the military tends to do. Still, what we have here is the person second in line for the presidency wanting to fly home non-stop, and that ranks pretty low on my elitism scale.
Come on! Ted Kennedy probably does something more outrageous every afternoon when he inevitably loses his pants. Are we bloggers getting so lazy that this is the best scandal we could find? I’m disappointed. At least photoshop Pelosi stealing money from orphans to pay for another face lift… or something else marginally creative.
I do wish I could get non-stop flights, though…