I was shocked and dismayed to discover that John Edwards is keeping Amanda Huggenkiss Culottes Marcotte as his blogger of record, despite the fact that her personal blog is saturated with the kind of embarrassingly foul-mouthed screeds that make German boys fly into screeching, frothy hissy fits.
Personally, I think keeping Marcotte was a bad decision for Edwards. Not only because she’s an unbalanced lunatic who will most likely boil Edwards’ bunny someday, but because she’s just not really in tune with the values of his campaign.
I, on the other hand, am completely congruent with the message Edwards wants to send. I think he should fire that stupid cow (See? I didn’t swear!) and hire me on as his official blogger because I’m ever so much more qualified for the position:

• I’m pro-choice. I believe that every woman has the right to decide whether or not to have fries with that.
• I believe in higher taxes. In fact, I’ve been after Frank for YEARS to start paying his co-bloggers in dollars instead of empty promises, which would allow me to pay more in taxes than I do now. How am I supposed to pay more taxes without Frank’s money?
• We need to strengthen affirmative action. I’ve also been hounding Frank to hire Michele Malkin as an IMAO writer, since she’s both Asian AND a woman. Quota-wise, that’s even better than hiring a black guy. Plus we don’t have to put up with all the annoying “Yo! Yo!” this, and “shizzle-dizzle” that.
• I want stricter campaign finance laws to lower the influence of corrupt corporate money. We should expand the “no campaign ads” ban from 60 days to 90 days before an election, or even longer if that’s what it takes to keep those things from annoying me during NFL pre-season games.
• Yeah… I watch pre-season football. And I miss the XFL, too. Wanna make something of it? Maybe we should step outside!
• I favor abolishing the death penalty. Except for crimes in which the perpatrator’s guilt is unquestioned, like lying about the reasons for going to war. Which means Bush is a dead man. And, technically, Pelosi, Gore, Kennedy, Byrd, Kerry, and both Clintons. But if that’s what it takes to bring Bush to justice, I’m willing to pay the price.
• I favor higher education standards. No one should be allowed to graduate from high school without being able to read Why Mommy Is A Democrat.
• I think euthanasia should be legalized. Americans have a Constitutional right to die. And I think Constitutional protections should be extended even to non-citizens, like Gitmo detainees and terrorists. We must help them exercise this precious right.
• Gay marriage should be legalized. Gay couples have the right to form happy, loving families just like hetero couples, because their adopted/stolen/black-market babies need the support and stability of married parents. So… gay marriage – yes… gay divorce – no.
• People don’t kill people, guns kill people. And if I can’t use my guns to kill the people on my enemies list, then no one else should have a gun either. I’ll just have to find another way to kill that creepy Burger King guy.
• I don’t think anyone should have to pay for health care – everyone should get it for free. Of course, greedy doctors think otherwise, and would unpatriotically refuse to work if they didn’t get paid. But let’s be honest, medicine is not so complicated that it couldn’t be done by a random homeless person, who – in exchange – would move in with their patients in lieu of cash payment. Everybody wins!
• Stop wasting money guarding the borders. We need a good supply of illegal immigrants in case we run out of homeless guys to staff our hospitals.
• When it comes to women’s rights in the workplace, I’m in favor of giving them anything they want as long as they promise to stop discussing feminine hygiene issues when I’m around. EWWWW!
• The only way to properly support our troops is to bring them home. And while we’re doing that, we should probably go ahead and give the terrorists a lift, too, since – with the troops gone – they’ll be headed to our shores pretty soon, anyway.

But my biggest qualification is that, like Zach Braff, I have a permanent case of bed-head, so I will NEVER upstage the important-lookingness of John Edwards’ pretty, pretty hair.