It has come to my attention that many IMAO readers will be celebrating Valentine’s Day alone. This is not something to mock. It’s never nice to mock losers.
So let me offer my advice.
Are you trying to woo a certain someone?
Are you having relationship problems?
I have answers. I’ve been happily married for 9 years. Of course, that involves 11 different wives, but 9 years is 9 years. So – HAH!!!
I’m sure you have questions.
Q: Is this one of those Ask Dr. Duck segments where you sit back and watch people fall over themselves to ask questions and then you ignore them?
A: Normally, yes. But it’s Valentines Day and you’ve had enough time being ignored.
Q: Are you sure?
A: (Dr. Duck ignores this stupid question)
Q: But I’m happily involved in a relationship. I don’t really have any questions.
A: Technically speaking, that wasn’t a question.
Q: Sigh. Should I post a question even if I’m happily involvedi n a relationship?
A:. Yes! Because relationships could end at any moment. It could be ending right now!! Even as we speak, your boyfriend or girlfriend could be holding a press conference declaring themselves to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
Q: I don’t know if I should post a question. You really don’t give very good advice.
A: Look behind you, your significant other is giving a press conference right now! (Made you look.)
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Answers will be posted later today!
BTW, in case my wife is reading this, I’ve been married 9 years to one lovely woman. Stop honey, don’t go to that press conference!!!
Are you ever going to restore the trust of your loyal readers by answering the OTHER Dr. Ducky questions? If not why not?
Who decided that the heart is the “organ” of love and emotion? Why not the pancreas, or the left kidney?
If I am a guy, and my girlfriend is a girl and she makes more money than I, would it be wrong to ask her to pay for dinner tonight? Wouldn’t the fact that she makes more money than I mitigate my manhood, making her more of the man and I less of it?
My girlfriend has this really annoying habit of asking me to do something later in the day (asking at 10am for something that needs to be done at 8pm for example) and then throughout the day keeps reminding me about it. This is really annoying because she has already told me once, I have a good memory, and I usually have no problem doing what she asked, is there a way you would recommend getting her to stop telling me the same thing over and over and just to tell me once?
Ducky, do you form a new relationship each season after you fly north. What about the extra two wives, did you loose them to predation or a couple of tough duck hunting seasons. What about molting, has that ever been an issue.
Oh never mind, I know I’ll never get answers.
Is it a good idea to take a woman to Pizza Hut on Valentine’s Day? What if you use a coupon to pay for a good deal of it?
What about those of us on the opposite end of the good/bad relationship spectrum on Valentine’s Day? What would you recommend as an appropriate way to call things off? Besides a singing telegram from a guy in a bear suit holding a balloon, of course.
Is a Vacuum Cleaner a good or bad gift for your wife on Valentines Day?
What’s the going rate on a fifth of vodka and a Playboy? Is it more than an average Valentine’s day date?
How many times was I a baby?
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby’s coffee?
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum cleaner on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby’s coffee?
Whoa! Double post, my bad…spankings all around!
Yeah!!!!! A spanking, A spanking.