Was painting while listening to this last night. Getting to Texas is much more important than American Idol. Season four? I might have taken a break. For Pennywise and Kiki’s breasts? Not so much. I did take the time to vote to help the children in Africa. After all, I was touched seeing Simon do all but cry. I’ll bet he even cried when the cameras weren’t on him. He has an image to uphold. But see, y’all? Told you he has a heart.
Oh, see, now I’m actually watching it, and I don’t want to. It’s too sad. SING! Too SAD!
01 Chris is singing “Change the World” by Clapton. It was understated and nice but a little too whiny and maybe too underwhelming. He looked good. RANDY: Yo, dawg, for the first time in a long time, you’re in it to win it. Fly jacket, too. Fly, fly. PAULA: Great song choice, I’m really proud of you, really exciting. SIMON: Competition really starts tonight. This kinda reminded me of the first time we saw you and said you had a lot of potential. Good vocal, much more soul, it was sexy. I think you did really well. SARAHK: I think they overpraised you a bit, but it was good.
Ryan said something about myspace, but I scoff at myspace. That’s right, I said it, I went there. I scoff!
I’m glad they’re not just focusing on Katrina victims in America. Remember back when there were other poor people in America besides Katrina victims? I’m glad they noted that for the people watching who don’t get that.
02 Melinda is singing “There Will Come a Day” by Faith Hill. Hmm, not one I ever would have expected sung on American Idol. Look, she’s back to modest, looks great. Her hair is fantastic. I LOVE the dress. I hope singing about faith doesn’t hurt her. Whoa, in the kitchen last night, this was really good, but honestly I had her fairly far behind Jordin, squarely in second place. Now she’s in a very close second, because wow. I just got chills, dawgs. That was amazing. I haven’t even been amazed by her recently, but whew! Yo. Her line was busy when I tried voting for her last night, BTW. RANDY: You’re the resident pro. You just so dope! I don’t even know what to say anymore, you have arrived! Melinda is here! PAULA: There’s no one like you! You’re magical! SIMON: You’re not going to look surprised, are you? Promise? What I loved was that it didn’t seem like a copycat performance, the second half of the song was outstanding, blah blah, great. SARAHK: Sorry, I lost track. We loved her, right? She was the stuff, yes? Yes. RYAN: Simon, did you lose a button? SARAHK: I believe what Ryan is trying to say is that he has no chest hair and would like to borrow some.
03 Blake says the biggest sacrifice he’s had to make is missing his family and friends. My answer to that question would have been so different. No offense to family and friends. “My biggest sacrifice competing here, in California, in American Idol is that they don’t let me carry my guns around to protect myself, and I have weak arms, but now that I’m famous, maybe someone will stalk me and I can get a permit.” So Blake is singing a song that Frank and I both spewed at the same time, “Ugh, I hate this song.” “Imagine” by John Lennon. I’m not such a fan of communism and songs about imagining that there’s no heaven and no religion and what a wonderful world it would be if we had no borders, no God, and yay! Communism! Have I vomited yet? Yuck. Anyway, so Blake has forever lost any chance of getting my vote by singing one of the stupidest songs ever written and pegging himself as a communist. Let me try to be objective. You know what I imagine when I imagine no countries? The EU. Not warm fuzzies you’re getting from me, Blake. NOT WARM FUZZIES! “I hope some day you’ll join us.” Hair is fine. Outfit is bland, beige is not his color, corduroy again? Can we try a different fabric? Beautiful tone in your voice, incredibly boring performance. RANDY: Great choice of song. Amazing, amazing song. SARAHK: You know it’s about communism, right? RANDY: On the performance side, dude, it was just kind of alright for me, dawg. It was just ok for me. Just keeping it real. PAULA: It was the first real sensitive, emotional performance we’ve seen from you, Blake, and that goes a long way. SARAHK: Not the first time he’s tried to be sensitive and emotional, and he failed at this. You know this is about communism, right? And you know that communism is evil, right? SIMON: This is tricky. You’ve chosen one of the big songs of all time. You felt sincere, but it didn’t really go anywhere. But I think the most important thing is that you were sincere, so good.

You, too, could be one less girl with a choice about whether to get vaccinated against HPV. Ask your doctor about Gardasil and how Texas and Florida are trying to force the vaccination on little girls. It’s different from forcing condoms on kids, because Gardasil is known to have awful side effects in some cases.
Come for the American Idol, get a little something extra in every post!
Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson both on tonight/tomorrow night depending on when you’re reading this. If you’re reading it last night, then you’re from the future of the past and from the devil. Go back from whence you came!
04 LaKisha never ceases to amaze me. And I do mean the EGO of LaKisha. She never listens to any of the industry mentors who have actually been making money doing this for a while. First night out, she sang the big Jennifer Holiday / Jennifer Hudson number (past Idol contestant #1). Last week, she tanked trying to prove she’s better than past Idol #2 Carrie Underwood (she’s not). This week, she’s going to sing the so-so number “Believe,” by, you guessed it, past Idol #3, Fantasia. I’m so glad VFTW didn’t pick her to be their new champion, because I think she is not long for this competition, and I couldn’t stand it if they helped keep her around much longer. Holy cow, Kiki’s boobies are somewhat reigned in. She almost looks classy. If she would cover the backfat and perhaps the shoulders, she would look gorgeous. It’s the best she’s ever looked. Her hair is beautiful. The arrangement is a mess. She has pitch problems. And she is a little screechy at times. I can’t get over the arrangement, though. It’s awful. I felt like I was on the Texas Giant in the very last car. And that ain’t no good thang on a wooden roller coaster. RANDY: Great song choice, had some pitch problems. I didn’t think it was your best, but I did like it. It’s very hard to sing after Fantasia, I must admit. PAULA: You are a powerhouse of a vocalist. Even though Fantasia hasn’t been around that long, she’s so unique, so it’s hard yammer yaw hooblahawwwwnayaaaaa… Don’t sing Fantasia songs bloooooober. It doesn’t take away from your vocals. SIMON: Thanks for summing that up so briefly, Pauler. I think what she was trying to say is that she preferred Fantasia’s vocals. Again, I’m having an issue with the shouting. (Tells audience to shut up, because they’re yelling at him for being correct.) SARAHK: You actually look pretty good, thanks for wearing a bra, and the vocal arrangement was a mess. It did nothing for me. But you look good.
05 Pennywise the Phil… um, wow. Yes, I just got a comment asking if I noticed Pennywise’s Sharpie-drawn eyebrows, and I’m just now catching my first gander. Whoa-ho. It’s true. It’s true. Frank mentioned Stan Sitwell from Arrested Development, who is completely hairless. Is that a tux Pennywise is wearing? I’ll tell you what, why don’t you just quit the act and don the clown costume, floppy shoes, and bow-tie? Red nose? You don’t even need the white makeup. What does Pennywise miss about home? Sewer rats. No, kidding, he didn’t say that, though I would have thrown my support behind him whole-heartedly had he said so. Pennywise misses his babies, he has two. They’re usually there at AI (sure), but now they’re with their GPs in Oklahoma. But he’s making a better life for them outside of the sewers of Derry. He’s singing “The Change” by Garth Brooks and is talking about the heroism that came from the Oklahoma City bombing. That’s two references to Oklahoma. Is he from there? No WONDER I don’t like him! (Sorry, gotta get my Texan on, since we’re moving back there soon.) This was vocally strong, but I can’t bear to look at him when he sings. I would listen to him on the radio if I didn’t know if it was him and therefore didn’t get a visual nor purse up my lips and scrunch up my face at him. RANDY: Very nice vocal, very strong song. Two in a row, baby! PAULA: This was your best! SIMON: I really like you. SARAHK: No you don’t. SIMON: I’m glad you had a good week last week. Last week you had a country tone in your voice, and that could sell well, so tap that or something. SARAHK: If I close my eyes and forget I don’t like you, you sing fine. Please don’t invade the country stations. Please don’t. I listen to them.
This next AI segment is presented by the wonderful people at ConAgra foods. Mmmmm. ConAgra. They make Rotel. I think.
Simon visited a food pantry in America, twenty minutes from his American house. Simon says he had no idea places like this existed in America. Wow. The lady at the pantry told Simon, “Nobody knows that people are starving in America.” Yes, we are all elitist ostriches who’ve never driven near a downtown bridge. Never knew that. Nobody knows! Frank and I laughed at her. Frank started talking about serving food to the hungry in the church basement with his mom. Well, I’ve never done that, but I did audit non-profits that did that. So I at least KNOW that people are starving in America.
06 Jordin is singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from Carousel, by Rogers and Hammerstein. I adore this song. She looks beautiful, classy, grown up. I loved everything she did with the song, but she got screechy in a couple of spots. And though she has definitely stopped smiling through every song, I think she’s still having a little trouble thinking about lyrics. It’s kind of a hope-y song. Walk on, keep on trudging through the rain, dawg, you’ll never walk alone. She looked like she was in pain for most of the song. Like “I know you’re freaked OUT, but I’m freaking OUT right along with you.” I’d have gone for more of a “It’s gonna be ok, because you’re never alone” look. Ok, she’s gotta stop this crying at the end of every song thing. Have y’all noticed her doing that lately? Does she have a problem with her tear ducts? RANDY: One of the best vocals by any contestant by anyone ever on this show ever in six seasons ever. And by a 17 year old! EVER! PAULA: Haunting, awesome, glorious, beautiful. SIMON: Unlike Randy, I thought you were brilliant. I think you could have a hit record with that. SARAHK: I think you were great, but I don’t think the judges were hard enough on you. Best of the night, probably, but you should have been criticized for your screechiness. You almost lost your note at the end, barely held on. Stop crying. Now.
06 Jordin**
02 Melinda**
Anyone care about the others?
01 Chris – wow, he really has a round head, doesn’t he? Did I just now notice that? How?
05 Pennywise the Phil
04 LaKisha
03 Blake
Bottom three… Chris, LaKisha, Blake. Going home… Booo-bye, Kiki. Or should I say boob-eye?