I’m afraid conservatives aren’t very engaged in politics right now as it doesn’t look like we’ll have any candidates to fight for in the near future. Still, we need to have our own vision for the future to continue to work towards. With all the second guessing about Iraq, it’s starting to look like we’ll never be able to assert ourselves confidentially overseas again. That won’t do. I envision and continue to envision an America that knows to do what is right and doesn’t care about popularity on the world stage. In short, I envision an America that’s confident enough in itself to be an asshole.
MY VISION FOR AMERICA
I want an America with foreign policy like the Incredible Hulk: You make us angry, we smash the crap out of everything.
I want an America that will take a crap on some other nation’s lawn, and then that nation will thank us just for acknowledging their existence.
I want an America that causes contiguous countries to build their own walls on our border in a vain attempt to protect themselves.
I want an America that will invite itself into other nation’s houses, drink all their beer, piss on their furniture, and the only thing we worry about afterwards is where to get more booze.
I want an America that’s always looking for cool new things to nuke.
I want an America that declares war on Saturn and bullies all the other nations into joining us on the declaration.
I want an America that shows up drunk and looking for a fight to every U.N. meeting.
I want an America that invades the next Islamic country that pisses us off and then forcefully converts everyone there to Wiccan just because we think that would be funny.
I want an America that is all for passing tons of international laws and regulations with the running assumption that none of them, of course, applies to us.
I want an America that other nations are less concerned about receiving foreign aid from than not receiving our foreign detriment.
I want an America that surprises other countries by busting right through the wall yelling, “Oh yeah!” just like the Kool-Aid guy.
I want an America that announces there should only be six continents and it has a sentimental attachment to Antarctica.
I want an America that causes other countries to pay Rand McNally to get themselves delisted.
I like the Hulk America. Don’t make us angry. You wouldn’t like us when we’re angry.
There is a conservative candidate on the ballot in all 50 states named Barr. Punish the republicans for nominating a complete tard.
JUGGERNAUT’S VISION FOR AMERICA
I want an America that gives other countries nicknames, and then refers to said countries by the nickname in all official documentation. Furthermore, if one of these countries fails to refer to themselves as such, say at some meeting of the United Nations, America does that thing where you take somebody’s underwear and pull it out far enough to wrap around one of their shoes. Then the foreign representative must finish the meeting like that. For example, France would be “Stinky Cheese-Eating Cowardland”, and Lithuania would be “Where-The- -Is-That-I’ve Never-Even-Heard-of-That-Place-Is-That-One-Of-Those-Eastern-European-Countries-Where-The-Women-Don’t-Shave-Land”, and so on, and so on.
I want an America with immigration laws like Rome. If you want to be a citizen you better win a battle for us singlehandedly, or invent a cheap nuclear delivery system that will reach the moon, or a chemical agent that detects liberalism and eradicates it. Then maybe we’ll consider you.
I want an America that gets a little buzzed on the weekend and occasionally invades (and subsequently conquers) Canada. Then on Monday afternoon, now fully sober, realizes that it wasn’t worth it, and goes home. And subsequently bills Canada for the costs incurred while quickly conquering them. And maybe America keeps Nova Scotia, because the name sounds kinda cool.
Sorry, I don’t know what happened to my separate paragraphs. Let me try again:
JUGGERNAUT’S VISION FOR AMERICA
I want an America that gives other countries nicknames, and then refers to said countries by the nickname in all official documentation. Furthermore, if one of these countries fails to refer to themselves as such, say at some meeting of the United Nations, America does that thing where you take somebody’s underwear and pull it out far enough to wrap around one of their shoes. Then the foreign representative must finish the meeting like that. For example, France would be “Stinky Cheese-Eating Cowardland”, and Lithuania would be “Where-The- -Is-That-I’ve Never-Even-Heard-of-That-Place-Is-That-One-Of-Those-Eastern-European-Countries-Where-The-Women-Don’t-Shave-Land”, and so on, and so on.
I want an America with immigration laws like Rome. If you want to be a citizen you better win a battle for us singlehandedly, or invent a cheap nuclear delivery system that will reach the moon, or a chemical agent that detects liberalism and eradicates it. Then maybe we’ll consider you.
I want an America that gets a little buzzed on the weekend and occasionally invades (and subsequently conquers) Canada. Then on Monday afternoon, now fully sober, realizes that it wasn’t worth it, and goes home. And subsequently bills Canada for the costs incurred while quickly conquering them. And maybe America keeps Nova Scotia, because the name sounds kinda cool.
I want America to be that ex-boyfriend that the other countries’ girlfriends (on the rebound) can’t help but talk about.
“Oh Yeah? Well, America never had that problem!”
“Huh? Oh, nothing. It’s just that…America used to love this song.”
“America is so big, strong, and MACHO! I mean…that’s OhhhKaayyy if you’re into that stuff. (sigh)”
I want an America that pushes other countries into the mud puddle on the playground and then takes their lunch money and asthma inhaler.
I want an America where the show “Celebrity Death Match” is acted out in real life with real celebrities.
I want a America that heavily taxes institutions that attempt to bring down the national morale and morals. i.e Hollywood, the paleo-media, the DNC
I want an America that once again conducts test of nuclear weapons, and does it in San Francisco, Berkeley, Massachusetts, Seattle, and Portland.
I want an America that takes all Canadian Conservatives. I want an America that forces all American Liberals to go to Canada. It only seems right! Like osmosis, only better.
I want an America that takes every threat of “If a Republican is elected president, I’m moving to X” as a legally binding verbal contract and enforces it – at the expense of the person who made the threat of course.
I want an America that rewards people who burn their trash in a barrel and drive s.u.v.s. Maybe they can use the Mexicannon and choose five people to load into it, who don’t necessarily have to be Mexican, or even latino, or illegal. That’s right, I’m looking at you, Harry Reid.
I want an America that comes back from a tour of Europe, and France is in flames, Switzerland has a black eye and a fat lip, Spain is crying in the corner, Germany is scrambling because they’re out of beer, and Italy is pregnant.
-I want an America that relies on Diplomacy.
-I also want an America that has a new division of the armed forces called “Diplomacy” – full of nuclear-armed Marines in hover-tanks, who haven’t eaten in days, recently lost their girlfriends to some foreigner, and just banged their knees on the coffee table.
-I want an America that ain’t got time to bleed.
#10 As a chemist, I feel chemgeek honor bound to point out it would be more akin to reverse osmosis as the liberals going to Canada would be flowing from a lower concentration of liberals to a higher. Osmosis is the flow of something from a higher concentration to a lower………..
What, FrankJ can put up a whole math geek post and I am not allowed to be pendantic on one little comment?
Okay, its his blog. I will go punch a hippie to atone for my wrongdoing.
ding! ding! ding! I found my winner:
“I want an America that ain’t got time to bleed”
That should be a bumper stick on my big ole’ Suburban!
Actually ALL of them are funny! #7 I was laughing so hard….my kids came to check on me (they thought I was crying!)
I want an America that shows up drunk and looking for a fight to every U.N. meeting
STANDING OVATION!!!! well said Frank!
“I want an America that is all for passing tons of international laws and regulations with the running assumption that none of them, of course, applies to us.”
Doesn’t the UN already have this covered?
I want an America where kids are taught right off the bat and continually through college, that America is the bestest country and pretty much all other countries suck the big one.
France – Filthy – Socialism – Muslims burning your car every week – Can’t find work – Don’t even want work – Sucks
Germany – Ditto except the filth and Muslims burning cars.
England – People are polite but that’s about it. Food sucks, cars suck, price of gas sucks, airports suck.
Belgium – need a different glass for each kind of beer. Outside of that everything sucks.
Iceland – Too damn cold – being split apart by a tectonic fissure, and all around sucks.
South America – Have you seen the freakin bugs, snakes, and phirannas down there? Please.
Canadia – No health care, language will soon be French or Arabic, both of which suck.
Africa – My God people.
Australia – One word – Funnel Spiders!
Mexico – Holy Carp! What are you Thinking ! Food’s not bad.
Everyplace not mentioned is constantly being blown to smithereens by mild storms, whimpy earthquakes and tsunami’s caused by supertankers going to fast in the no wake zone. = Sucks.
Then maybe people would have a clue.
I want an America
where I can wear my, “Christian, Heterosexual, Patriotic, Pro-gun, Pro-life Conservative. Any Questions?” T-shirt in public without catching any dirty looks.
Where I can purchase alcohol, tobacco and firearms at the drive-up window of my local mini-mart and use them all before I get home.
I want an America that recognises strong leadership when it shows up.
I want an America where Fred Thompson is President.
I want an America that when our representative talks, the room goes quiet and people listen.
We get that by meaning what we say, sticking to it, and backing it up as needed. No wimpouts, bluffing that can be called, promises unkept, or debts owed. WTC events are met with measured, professional menace culminating in an appropriate ass-whooping for any state that sponsors, condones, or ignores attackers within their borders.
We don’t loot, we shoot and leave, with as little impact on uninvolved civilians as possible. With the correct people either dead or in chains, who are then taken to a fair hearing and then hanged.
After that, we’ll have earned some respect, or at least every despot’s desire to avoid tangling with us, and our friend’s knowledge that we can be counted upon not to waffle, but to stand fast by them.
I don’t know what òthe west wants, but Americans are simple: we want the rest of the world to go away and stop bothering us.
Understand I’m not speaking for myself,I’d be on a plane somewhere 365 days a year if I could manage it. But Americans generally don’t like being forced to confront the outside world. We have quite a large country of our own and if we find it cramped there’s always Canada (America Lite).
Americans want to spend their days working. We like working. We like coming up with crazy plans and turning them into billion dollar businesses. If we’re not working we want to hang out with family. We don’t like thinking about politics, we’re not the French. We don’t like having to learn the differences between Shia and Sunni because, quite frankly, we don’t give a damn. We just want to work and hang out.
From time to time Americans are forced to recognize the existence of some other piece of the world: Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq. We resent
being forced to do so. We didn’t really know these places existed, didn’t care, and don’t wish to be irritated by them because we have work to do.
So we fall back on simple, direct solutions to ease the irritation: nuke ’em all. Nuke ’em all, and then get back to work. It’s not that we harbor particular malice toward one country or another, one religion or another. What we harbor is indifference. If you threaten our indifference by forcing us to pay attention to you and your intractable foreign problems we may have to blow something up just so you’ll go away. There is, after all, money to be made, and work to be done, and family to be hung out with.
We’re busy: don’t make us kill you.
I grant that in some cases it’s our own government’s actions that force us into the position of having to learn where Fallujah is (answer: who cares?) but that doesn’t alter our underlying sense that the whole world should just stop bothering us and let us get back to work.
Said by M. Takhallus in http://tinyurl.com/y48yao
I want an America that announces there should only be six continents and it has a sentimental attachment to Antarctica.
Now that’s funny.
The only problem with this post is that it was nearly within our grasp. We had John Bolton at the UN but Bush wouldn’t let him cut loose.
Thank you! I’m putting that on my short list of potential next tattoo slogans.
Here’s my vision for America:
HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.mywonderfulworld.org/images/large_print_ad1.jpg
Hey! I think it worked this time! It pays to read the instructions!
Nope! Disregard! I screwed it up somehow. Nevermind! @#$%^&*! I give up.
This thread rocks.
I want an America where prisoners get nothing more than 3 meals and a cot, serve their full sentence, and spend their waking hours performing community service in restitution to society.
I want an America where convicted murderers on death row are put to death the same way their victims were.
I want an America where people are treated the same way they treat others.
I want an American where the good people prosper and the evil stupid selfish people suffer.
I want an America that when the National Anthem plays, everyone stands ramrod still, in complete silence, and removes their hats.
5 of 7 don’t give up! You have me curious now! I found the site, just don’t know which images?
I want an America that realizes it’s just yet another country, nothing more or less, but with an increasingly junk currency, and does something about that little currency problem ….
“Good people prosper and evil stupid people suffer”, what an idealistic goal, has it ever been this way, anywhere in the world? Who determines what makes people “good”?
i want an america were you can marry ur sister
#s 32 & 33 seem a bit “trollish”, nicht wahr?
my vision
Disregard the caption or make up your own.
5 of 7 – hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I’m so glad I checked back, definitely worth it, thanks!!!