A big issue this election year is the economy. A lot of people have hopes that either McCain or Obama can help improve the economy, but that’s stupid. What in either of their two careers shows they know anything about economics? That’s like have high hopes your cat can file your taxes.
I can figure out how to fix the economy, though, because I’m very smart. So here’s my idea: We convert the dollar to a squirrel standard.
Now as you may remember, a long while ago — like in the eighties — the dollar was based on the gold standard. That was stupid, though, because gold is just some shiny metal. What are we? A bunch of three year olds? “That’s pretty! Let’s base our economy on it.”
Squirrels, on the other hand, are completely worthless. But they’re also hard to catch. Did I mention it has to be a live squirrel to factor into our economy? Otherwise, it’s just food. So, when another country wonders how much the U.S. dollar is worth, they’ll have to ask themselves, “How much is a squirrel worth? And how many squirrels are in the U.S.?” They won’t know! As far as they know, our dollar could be worth like a billion of whatever Monopoly money they pass around. If you go into a foreign store and set down an American dollar, they’ll probably just give you everything in the store to be on safe side — especially since you’re an American and thus they know you probably have a gun.
I know what you’re thinking: Won’t the Chinese come into our country and try to get all our squirrels so they’ll own our economy? Of course they will! But here’s the secret: I hate squirrels. This was all a plan from the beginning to get the Chinese to take all of our squirrels so they stop pestering me. Once the Chinese have all our squirrels, we’ll simply base our dollar on something else like small, barking dogs.
So how does this plot to get the Chinese to work as pest control help our economy? I haven’t figured that out yet, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t hurt it. That’s makes it better than any proposed plan so far.
Does this also include squirrels like John Kerry and Howard Dean?
But if we based our currency on monkeys, the filthiest and most evil animals of them all (well, except for Muslims…), then the puny foreigners would fear us even more!
Your topic is pretty banal. Yet you leave out the Promise of very GOP candidates since WWII. They based there candidacy on less govment spending, and each time when they leave office we have record budget and federal deficits. The fact is, the dollar is so week because of our national debt and artificially low interest rates. The free market out side the U.S. will devalue are dollar accordingly to our monetary and fiscal policy. But instead of pulling there heads out of the sand, the GOP and it;s supporters will start the name calling war, instead of solving the problems of govtment spending; and claim only the GOP party can reign in spending.
Bush can say whatever the hell he wants the bottom line is When Clintion there was a surplus of money, now there is a deficit a war, energy crisis, fuel is f***ing way to expensive and our dollar is good enough to wipe my ass with.
Step 1) Collect underpants.
Step 2) ???
Step 3) Profit!!!
There’s a lot you haven’t figured out yet, Frank.
There’s a lot you haven’t figured out yet, Frank.
Not the most ridiculous theory I’ve heard about the Chinese. But squirrels?
Yep, there they go again: the GOP blaming the Democrats for all their ills! The Clinton administration has been gone now for almost eight years. Since then, a surplus has been converted to a massive deficit, the Constitution has been shredded, a war of choice started and still going, tax reductions for the rich at the expense of the less fortunate, one GOP scandal after another, almost doubling of the National Debt, and the list goes on and on. Yet all this is the fault of the Democrats!!! Give me a break, please.
From the comments, something tells me that either the Paultards are still scouring the intarwebs for “gold standard” or the Obamanations are searching for every mention of their Dark Lord and Saviour…or both.
#10 – Posted by: Master Shake on July 28, 2008 02:03 PM
Hopefully it’s both. I miss the Ronulans.
The only currency that will soon be needed is lampshades made from the skin of racist crackers!
Government just sucks. We need to wrest control of the purse strings and the treasury printing presses from the hands of these crooks. On the subject of taxation, I believe Jefferson was wrong.
http://www.oftwominds.com/blogjuly08/bankruptcy7-08.html
As far as the “surplusses” back in the ninties, I always considered those just smoke and mirrors. Nothing more than creative accounting of the kind popularized by Enron and Arthur Anderson, et al. Now we have more regulation and no more real accountability for those who perpetrate the frauds in both private and public sectors. If the government weren’t so closely tied to criminals in the private sector, the few who give business and free markets a bad name, would be in prison, and there would be no need for crap like Sarbanes-Oxley.
Maybe the standard should be illegal aliens. Heck, we have more of those than squirrels!
The company that makes Hav-A-Hart traps would be richer than Exxon… I’m buying stock when Frank becomes President.
I favor a dollar based on a standard of the pelts of those who don’t create wealth – lefties, hippies, and lawyers. Yes, I know that there’s plenty of overlap among those three categories.
Here’s how it would work. A lefty would be worth one case of beer. Bring the pelt of a lefty into the redemption center and you receive one case of beer. It would be good beer: your choice of something along the lines of Mirror Pond, Red Hook ESB, and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale; we can work the details out on that. A hippie would be worth two cases of beer. A lawyer would be worth ten cases of beer, because, without lawyers, lefties wouldn’t be able to accomplish any of their nefarious work, and we could sweep the hippies off the street with no problem. The person redeeming the pelt gets the greatest value. If somebody is both a lefty and a lawyer, it’s ten cases. No double-counting here.
I agree that Clinton left us with a lot of surpluses.
He left us with a surplus of fat mistresses and blue dresses.
He left us with a surplus of megalomaniacal wives who will try to piss, moan and groan their way into the White House.
And he left us with a surplus of Islamo-Fascists who insisted on killing us even before we invaded their countries.
and a surplus of DNA samples
Has anyone else noticed that liberals think that “fixing the economy” is synonomous with “make poor people not poor.” Poor people are necessary for a good economy. Who will we exploit without poor people?
Not the machines; they’re unionized now!