Did you know the Democrats are in charge of Congress?
I keep forgetting that. I get focused on how much my party sucks I forget all about the Democrats, and it’s pretty easy to do because I can’t actually name anything they’ve done — for good or ill. All there has been since the Republicans lost power is more whining and that’s about it.
So what exactly do the Democrats do all day? Being a congressman is supposed to be a full time job, but I can’t imagine them actually filling their days considering voting on a bill once a week. Since we pay them salaries, why not have them do other, more useful jobs as well? They could be picking up trash all day, coordinate parking, and then give their little speeches and vote on their little bills in the late afternoon. There’s a ton of useful stuff we could have them do. Like, for instance, drugs being held up by the FDA because of lack of human trials could be tested on congressional Democrats.
Yeah, I know: What if one of those drugs gives them super-strength and they go on a rampage? That’s why part of my congressional jobs program is to install kill-switches in their brains. It will cause the Democrats intense pain if they ever try to harm a human. By the way, raising taxes counts as harming a human. So does having to hear them speak.
Oh, get off your high horse. “You’re taking away their free will!” you whine. Well, free will is overrated. I envision a Congress where are the Democrats are unthinking machines bred for one purpose: Tort reform. You may call me mad, but they also called Bruce Banner mad. And look at what he did! He grew big and green and smashed them all!
Anyway, I’m going to start working on tiny explosives. These sort of things always requires tiny explosives for one thing or another. What you all need to do is help get Barack Obama elected. McCain will never go for this plan because he’s not a team player, but Obama is easily manipulated. I’ll just make it seem like it was all his idea.
“What a smart idea to put mind controlling chips in the brains of Democrats. You are a good and smart president.”
“Me president!”
“Yes you are Obama. Yes you are.”
Hmm. I don’t know if my cordless drill will work for this. Well, it’s almost a full plan.
Nanotechnology, Frank. You design the miniscule, brain-choking nanobots to be eaten. They enter the blood stream in the stomach and travel to the areas of greatest random electrical activity – their dumbass Democrat brains.
Where’s Pinky and The Brain? My plan is diabolical.
I think the best way is to have those explosives implanted inside Democrat heads to be remote controlled. Then hand everyone of us a remote controL. That way, when Democrats get together and plot their latest tax increase we, the people, can blow their heads up BEFORE they get to even introduce their evil bills. Think of the warning that would send to all other Democrats contemplating introducing any tax increasing bills. Hell, after a while you’ll have Democrats involved in fist fights trying to be the one that introduces a tax cut bill. And of course, any Democrat who votes against a tax cut, KABLOOM, BABY!
Talk about sending a message, eh?
No! the way you implant the explosives is with Alien Spaceship gutting lasers to make a small hole in the back of the head where it connects to their neck. You’ll just have to increase the laser’s frequency to get through the Democrats thick skulls.
There may be minor mishaps, but think, there are 49 democrats in the Senate and well over 200 in the House. I’m sure we can get it right before we go through all of them. I suggest we start with John Murtha.
I like anything that goes “KABLOOM, BABY!” But I also like “lasers” especially “gutting lasers.” But I also like nanoscale engineering. Hmmm. Here’s my new plan: the metabolic nanobots create little coalescing pockets of methane gas in the fluid spaces of Congressional Democrat’s heads (thereby replacing air heads with gas heads – they’ll never notice it). A remote-controlled, infared “laser” is controlled by #2 and #3 (Proud and Big) which makes each targeted head go “KABLOOM, BABY!” (the sound emitted by the explosion). Shades of “Mars Attacks” with an audible twist.
I really have to get to work now.
I really, really, really like your plan, Jimmy. Exploding gas pockets built by nanobots that go KABLOOM, BABY! when they blow triggered by lasers? Man, the word awesome seems so inadequate when describing that awesome plan!
“I don’t know if my cordless drill will work for this.”
Try it out on a couple of dozen members of congress to find out for sure.
See how conservatives can come up with a compromising solution in just 7 posts. If we were all liberals WE’d be sitting around trying to figure out the impact of Methane on the delicate ecosystem of D.C. Also Jimmy would be blocking his own compromise until his district gets 50 million in Pork spending.
Yeah, and we’re just so damn positive about it, Big. We’re upbeat, optimistic and forward-looking. We got a can-do, patriotic, throw- the- bums- out- after blowing- their- heads- off American spirit. Down right futuristic we are. Very anticipatory.
I expect to hear from Echo5a any time now.
And where the hell is ussjimmycarter? Anybody know? I’ve got messages for him from both Obama and McCain.
I’m perfectly happy with them getting nothing done in congress.
Did someone call me? Let’s get one of those illudium Q36 explosive space modulators that Marvin the Martian invented. That should take care of DC.
Those have been replaced by Unobtainium 115 Disintegrators, echo5a. Less collateral damage to Republican ingrates; just moderate maiming.
Marvin The Martian must be outsourcing the manufacture of the illudium Q36 explosive space modulators to China ’cause the last couple I bought failed to go off as schedulled. So if you have any Mars made Q36s, use them wisely, ’cause the new ones suck!
It’s DC! Do we care about collateral damage there? Does collateral damage even have meaning in that realm?
Only if we care about Republican ingrates, echo5a. But you’re right: we can probably throw those babies out with the Democrat bath water (goo).
Colateral Damage as defined in Washington is who do the more powerful politions throw under the bus. (I hear it’s not so bad there. Obama’s grandmother makes great cookies, and Larry Craig has a sweet video game set up).
See how conservatives can come up with a compromising solution in just 7 posts. If we were all liberals WE’d be sitting around trying to figure out the impact of Methane on the delicate ecosystem
#7 – Posted by: BigRichardSmall on July 29, 2008 02:36 PM
Really, can you imagine a 100% right wing Congress? We’d have this country and the rest of the world whipped into shape in no time! We could allow a few dems in for good measure, just cuz we are nice and believe in freedom of speech. And also so we’d have someone to park our cars and hang our coats…and bring us lunch….and a drink at 2pm becuase we got so much work done already that we are done for the day. Productivity is a good thing.
We can only dream…or put Frank’s plan into action…..
All these ideas are just dandy, but aren’t we forgetting the most important matter? One has to have an operating brain for a “kill switch” to work. If one is a democrat / liberal, it denotes that that person has no operational brain, or in the best case scenario, a brain heavily addled by hallucinogens. The solution is simple. Find and assassinate Dr. West. This will cut off the supply of re-agent, so that so many mindless zombies (IE: Obamanations, Gorebots and Kennedyites) cease to wander among us.
The most efficient way to target the brains of congressmen is to design a device that goes directly where their brains are located. I suggest a suppository.
Absolutely right, HCG. Members of Congress are like lawyers, probably because so many of them are, in fact lawyers; they have only two working parts, the brain and the asshole, and they’re interchangeable.
Frank, you can borrow my Dremel tool if you want to see whether it works better than your drill. I have a nice assortment of diamond-tipped burrs.
Well, SVJ, I think what HCG was trying to say is that Congress has their heads permanently up their asses. So, maybe a special butt drill would work mounted in a special chair. That, too, could be remote-controlled in the Proud Infidel manner. Then, Congress can admit that they’ve started “drilling.”
Always trying to help apply technology to solve problems.
7:
That’s because while liberals are all about the process, conservatives are all about finding solutions.
Let me give an example: TERRORISM
Conservative: Let’s KILL the bastards!
Liberal: Let’s find out why they hate us. It’s obviously something we’ve done, because America and capitalism have given us so they look bad and feel inferior to us. They probably weren’t hugged enough as children either and Bush lied and were killing the planet with global warming and Karl Rove. Instead of them blowing us up we shhould be blowing us up and condemn the people who died on Sept. 11 because those buildings were in the way of those poor misunderstood Muslims just out having a good time learning how to fly and we’re mean people who suck. Let’s let the UN deal with it with a non-binding resolution condeming us for having the unmitigated gall of not wanting to be killed by them with their legitimate complaints about us. What’s so bad about Sharia law anyway?
7:
That’s because while liberals are all about the process, conservatives are all about finding solutions.
Let me give an example: TERRORISM
Conservative: Let’s KILL the bastards!
Liberal: Let’s find out why they hate us. It’s obviously something we’ve done, because America and capitalism have given us so they look bad and feel inferior to us. They probably weren’t hugged enough as children either and Bush lied and were killing the planet with global warming and Karl Rove. Instead of them blowing us up we shhould be blowing us up and condemn the people who died on Sept. 11 because those buildings were in the way of those poor misunderstood Muslims just out having a good time learning how to fly and we’re mean people who suck. Let’s let the UN deal with it with a non-binding resolution condeming us for having the unmitigated gall of not wanting to be killed by them with their legitimate complaints about us. What’s so bad about Sharia law anyway?
The cordless drill will work. Believe me. Mwahahaha!