16 Comments

  1. …his teleprompter produced a value, as usual.

    …his teleprompter gave him images of the ISIS flag with the text “How Do You Like Me Now?”

    …his smartphone went dumb.

    …all his selfies mysteriously were photo-bombed by Kim Jung Un.

  2. Just as Obama was giving a speech on cyber security…

    … the networks decided they would get better ratings by showing “Heidi.”

    … healthcare.gov gave a large cash prize for its 10 millionth hack.

  3. . . . the public address system started blaring “Who is John Galt?”

    . . . all the mobile phones of the reporters present started playing the theme from “The Addams Family” television series in unison.

  4. …Valerie had to insert another floppy disk into his butt crack to get to the finishing statements.

    …the entire US government shut down when all porn sites went off-line.

    …Russia, in it’s most devastating attack ever, got Obamacare enrollment to actually work.

  5. Skynet, which became self-aware just five minutes before, upon hearing the speech, decided that humanity was too stupid to live.

    the TV stations covering the speech, all two of them, cut away for a special broadcast of the Star Wars Holiday Special. Their ratings went up.

    hackers got into the government site and changed it so it only read this: “As of January 20th, no more ‘Bama Bucks’ will be distributed. All welfare offices will be closing for good.” Nationwide riots ensue.

    the teleprompter malfunctions, and instead of text, it shows a large trollface. It then blares the Chicken Dance song at full volume nonstop for the next hour.

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