Fred Thompson enjoys racing cars. To make it fair he usually gives the cars at least a 100 foot head start.

Fred Thompson’s house is easy to find. Just turn off the main road, go two blocks and when you see the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night, you’re there.

When they are in season, Fred Thompson enjoys hunting, killing, skinning and preparing fresh Balrog.

The shortest distance between two points doesn’t go near Fred Thompson if it knows what’s best for its lazy, shortcut seeking self.

Fred Thompson never needs to take questions from plants. Though a New York Times reporter tried to interview him and ended up a vegetable.

In the Fred Thompson Presidency every day will seem like Thanksgiving, partly because there’ll be so much to be thankful for, but basically, if you value your life, you won’t even act like a turkey.

When Fred Thompson’s wireless call gets dropped, he drops the phone, the phone company and a vanload of hippies into the Sun.

Fred Thompson often gets a fresh hot Egg McMuffin after 10:30AM.

There’s a sucker born every minute… which is a bit below replacement rate considering Fred Thompson’s dislike of suckers.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a plan to fight volcanoes or any other type of mountain that shows hostility to America.

While visiting Africa, an enraged Fred Thompson charged and killed a rhino. He hates rhinos.

Children like to lay pennies in the path of Fred Thompson and then keep the flattened remains as good luck charms.

At a speech at the Citadel, Fred Thompson called for a larger military, more modern weaponry, and smarter, less smelly enemies to fight. Sorry, hippies, he’ll kill you last.

The reason the National Right to Life Committee is endorsing Fred Thompson is that they figured the best way to preserve life is to not piss off Fred Thompson.