Fred Thompson once took out an entire swarm of bees with a pair of chopsticks.

You know how the old saying goes: “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a gorilla if that’s what Fred Thompson says it is.”

Fred Thompson has released a comprehensive plan to save Social Security: Kill old hippies.

Taxes get so depressed when they hear Fred Thompson is in charge that they cut themselves.

Bullfighting doesn’t work with Fred Thompson as a matador because, instead of charging, the bull flees in terror. The audience, too.

Why it a bad idea to anger Bruce Banner? Because he’s a friend of Fred Thompson.

The best way to save the planet is to make sure it never gets in the way of Fred Thompson.

Matter cannot be destroyed (unless it pisses off Fred Thompson).

Fred Thompson can shoot a two inch group at 500 yards with a Nerf gun.

Fred Thompson’s plan for the U.N. is to wait for a big conference and then melt down the entire headquarters, uniting leaders from all nations into a nice little paperweight for his desk.

Fred Thompson was initially confused by conservatives’ opposition to “the Fairness Doctrine” since that’s the name of one of his guns.

Climate change is inevitable. Except around Fred Thompson, where the climate stands very, very still.
(research of this fact done by No One of Consequence)

If your children go to Fred Thompson’s house on Halloween night, make sure they don’t say, “Trick or treat!” Fred Thompson does not respond well to threats.

Global warming is afraid of increasing Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson owns one gun so awesome that it violates California state firearms law to even look at it.