We’ve really been in a funk in America for a while. I blame Obama, but it’s not just his fault; it’s also the fault of his ideas. We’re starting to forget what awesomeness is in America and it’s time to remind ourselves and the world that we are a million time better than anyone else. That’s going to take some drastic measure to show our awesomeness and regain our confidence, so here are the things I would implement if I were president:
STEPS TO BRING AWESOME BACK TO AMERICA
* Start initiative to finally get us robotic cops.
* Confiscate all the wealth of Congress and sentence them to hobo town where they will live forever as hobo outcasts.
* Invade, get an unconditional surrender from, and then leave a country while never once giving a stated reason.
* Build high-speed rail so fast that no human can survive the g-forces.
* Demonstrate America’s superiority to all nations by hosting and winning kung fu tournament on a mysterious island.
* Conquer space: Fly into space, conquer any adversaries (if we can find any), plant flag in space, and declare space property of American and everyone else has to stay out of it.
* Make a promise to the American people that within ten years we will have a rocket launcher on a dinosaur.
* New Bacon Day holiday — new federal holiday we get off to eat bacon. If you object to eating bacon for religious reasons, you can call it something else like “pig strips”.
* Declare obese children to be fugitives so that they’re constantly hunted by federal marshals and on the run so that they’ll get lots of exercise.
* Make gas cheaper by taking oil from other countries without paying for it since we’re America and very big and can do that.
* Do study into whether giant, Battletech type robots are physically possible… then make them no matter what the study results say.
* Start plans for libertarian utopia on Mars.
* Whining will be illegal and result in immediate deportation via Mexicannon™.
* New education initiative: No Child Left Behind in Ability to Use Numchucks.
* Try for entry into Guinness Book of World Records for tallest wall on its border.
* Declare war on the environment: It either needs to be more accommodating to civilization or it will be destroyed and replaced with something better.
* New entitlement program: Everyone is entitled to their own earnings.
So there’s my plan. Too bad I’m not old enough to run for president in 2012, or I’d totally do that and initiate all these ideas. Maybe we should see if one of the candidates running will agree to all these measures; it will be a way to distinguish yourself from all the RINOs.
* Track how people vote. If they vote for a Democrat/Liberal then they will be responsible for any tax increase or oppresive regulation for two years before a Conservative voter has to.
* Connect wires to congresscritters genitalia and set up CSPAN like those trivia games in bars. If they vote for something you don’t like, press option C and they get a shock.
Those are great ideas, especially the last one. OK, that or the pig strips. We have to have at least one of them implemented by 2014.
Mmmmmmm…pig strips……
Nuke the Moon . I have the T-shirt, now let’s do it !!
Nuke Iran.
Nuke anything else we don’t like, like N. Korea or Chicago.
We should plant our flag right in the middle of that face on Mars.
– Declare that the US will be unafraid of Easy Bake Ovens and Cap’n Crunch.
– Move the UN to France
– Move France to the moon
– Nuke the moon
Here’s me riding the hyper speed train. O.K., mebbe it’s Col. John Stapp, the man with cojones the size of watermelons, but that’s what it’ll be like.
* Sell all of Obama’s golf clubs and use the money to make a movie about the life of Chesty Puller starring F.D. Thompson.
* Kill taxes. Shoot their dog in the leg. Burn down their house. Salt the earth where taxes once strode.
* Put the Mexicans in charge of border security. Hint: Mexican border security isn’t as nice as ours.
* It’s my money and, no, you don’t get to have it.
* I get to decide where my money goes. The Government will send me an email every year with the money they would like, where that money would go, and I will then decide to which portions of the government I will make charitable donation. The Government must learn to act like a broke man in the Great Depression; I will feed you some scraps, but you need to do some work before I pay you.
* Build an automated barbershop network for hippies that use comfy chairs and guillotines with a 99% success rate. The other 1%? “Oops, we’re sorry. Did that hurt? Buddy, you okay?” (*THUD*)
* Convert the Food Stamps program into “Democrat feeding troughs in every town” with green slop flowing in them. “Hungry? You like green. Go eat and STFU.”
* Build a stealth FOBS with every conceivable type of weapon we have. It would provide a new definition to “fire and brimstone” for the Islamic masses.
“Invade, get an unconditional surrender from, and then leave a country while never once giving a stated reason.”
Might I suggest Canada? How tough could it be to beat the crap out of a bunch of Justin Biebers?
Modify the Foodstamp program in the following manner:
1. Instead of just getting foodstamps in the mail, the people must show up at an office downtown and either beg for the foodstamps or agree to work one hour at an approved physical labor activity for the State, County, or City government OR two hours as a FoodStamp Facilitator (wait or it…)
2. Identify a single checkout in each grocery store as the Foodstamp checkout. Others may use it but if you are using foodstamps then you MUST use it.
3. These Foodstamp checkout may ONLY be manned by a FoodStamp Facilitator. If one is not available, then that checkout line is not open for that day and Foodstamps may not be used.
High speed trains? WTF are we – Europe? Besides, the idea is just silly when we have cars and planes. Next I suppose you’ll want some other antiquated form of technology retro-fitted for the modern day, like high definition vinyl records or a 4g briefcase phone or a hybrid stagecoach. High speed trains are a make-work, money-pit project of the leftist Euro-wannabes.
Codguy…that was like…well…cold!
You left off nuking! We need to nuke something! Then we need to like Super Nuke it again and again just for fun! After Super Nuking say Iran, we can say that we are now done testing our super nuking program and the rest of mankind may proceed with their existence as long as we approve of their future actions!
Then we should invade the rest of the Middle East and like you said, take all their oil! We should invent a super sucker (no not Rosanne) that like sucks a well dry in a day and fills up like a gazillion barrels of oil. We have lots of Aircraft Carriers, we will just load them up with Oil Barrels and bring them to the US as we like suck every well in the Middle East dry within 1 Month. Then we will build a mountain of oil barrels in the Desert guarded like Ft. Knox and we shall all stand and go Muwahahahahahahaha!!!!
You forgot Team America.
America! F— Yeah!!!
In an effort to antagonize MarkoMancuso, I’m going to take his money and giggle as I run away with it. Muahahahahahahhahhaa.
Go for it – what are they gonna do? Ask for your birth certificate? Just say “Hope and Change” a lot, and promise everybody a chicken in every pot and a dinosaur in evey garage, and you’ll be a shoo-in.
And dude…you had me at robotic cops.
“Invade, get an unconditional surrender from, and then leave a country while never once giving a stated reason.”
We’re sort of doing that in Libya, if you accept that an aerial bombardment is an invasion, and a “stated reason” means a reason which is logically coherent.
I have guns and a dog, Carolyn! You can take the dog, but you won’t get the money or the guns.
@Marko: What a country we’d be if we started printing $2 bills again and put Chesty’s mug on them.
does the Mexicannon sound like a new 3 lb burrito from Taco Bell? great, now I’m hungry
I would the Great Wall of America to actually be seen from space…
And the lower 48 states redrawn to spell out “Suck it, Bitches” – also seen from space
I don’t care if the Great Wall of America can be seen from space. If they can see it from Mexico City, that is good enough.
While there is still a chain-link fence on the border, could the Mexicannon be aimed a little lower for that “Play-Doh Fun Factory spaghetti” effect?
Where do the Thundercats fit into all of this? Perhaps the Democrat jackass could be replaced by Snarf.
That’s what I love about this site. It’s not just whining about problems; it offers common-sense solutions!
Can you mandate that liberal women have to wear paper bags over their heads while out in public? At least one day of the week? Liberal women seem to have a serious case of the fug, so I see this as really more of an “outdoors beautification initiative”. In fact, please call it that. This way, when liberal women begin shrieking that this is an evil awful thing, you are free to accuse them of “hating the outdoors” and “wanting the planet to be filled with ugliness”.
Face the facts folks…the days of awesome are done. The days of PC and mediocrity are here.
For the win: BanthaFodder with “suck it” and the 48 contiguous. I just choked on my drink.
24 said: “The days of PC and mediocrity are here.”
Oh, we’ve faced it zzyzx. That’s why were here! Well, not because “PC and mediocrity” are here-here, if you know what I mean. You might need a drink, zzyzx… maybe Carolyn has an extra one.
If President Jackass would give us laser-guided, rocket-launching dinosaurs (with machine gun arms), we wouldn’t NEED alligators for the moat.
Of course we need an alligator-filled moat. Just call it an “extended wetlands habitat” and curse the libtards for hurting Gaia if they don’t support it. Gator haters.
Release monkey muggers in San Francisco, Hollywood, etc.
Fred Thompson wants to change the Presidential election to a popular national vote. (HotAir)
Fred, I’d like to put the “!” back after your name so it can be “awesome” again. (This is why this comment is on topic.)
Is it just me, or has his Federalism Badge lost a little luster?
She’s real fine my 209
She’s real fine my 209
E D 209
Well I saved my pennies and I saved my dimes
(Giddy up giddy up 209)
Saw ‘RoboCop’ three hundred times.
(Giddy up giddy up 209)
I’ve got to have that ED 209
Nothing can catch her
Nothing can touch my 209
209 ooooo
She ‘ll give you “twenty seconds to comply”.
(Giddy up giddy up 209)
Makes thug-burgers in the fastest time.
(Giddy up giddy up 209)
My two legged, .50 cal, lead slinging 209.
(209, 209, 209, 209)
Nothing can catch her
Nothing can touch my 209…
… except stairs.
Frank J. For Preznit!!
* Confiscate all the wealth of Congress and sentence them to hobo town where they will live forever as hobo outcasts. –Or, Frankk J. For Congress!
* Invade, get an unconditional surrender from, and then leave a country while never once giving a stated reason. –I nominate Venezuela.
* Make a promise to the American people that within ten years we will have a rocket launcher on a dinosaur. — And then dinosaurs with rocket launchers will replace the alligators in the moat on the border.
* New Bacon Day holiday — new federal holiday we get off to eat bacon. If you object to eating bacon for religious reasons, you can FOAD.
* Declare war on the environment: It either needs to be more accommodating to civilization or it will be destroyed and replaced with something better. –Awesome!!
Too bad I’m not old enough to run for president in 2012, or I’d totally do that and initiate all these ideas. — Dude, run anyway. We can justify it under the Commerce Clause.
So, like where is Hobo Town? We all know where Homo Town is. The problem is that everyone supports a Hobo Town for congressmen but nobody wants one in their back yard! I propose we build one in the middle of the desert with no roads leading in or out. Then we put a mine-field up for 100 miles in any direction around Hobo Town to keep the Hobos from migrating! Then when we find a stray congressman we do the C130 drop that Vin Diesel did in XXX!
” it will be a way to distinguish yourself from all the RINOs”
I think Rand Paul has done that with his comments likening ObamaCare with slavery. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Hobo Town seems to very much resemble Anytown, USA. http://www.horailroad.com/hobo/hobo_photos.shtmlSA
Hmmm… this looks more like America’s bucket list.